This is pretty much a complete set of my song lyrics. Maybe it’s an exercise in futility and ego, but if a few people get some amusement from them, that’s all I can hope for. I guess being clever and quirky is my emotional substitute for being famous, rich, or loved. Writing humor gave me a veneer of sanity. I tried to give all credit where due.

One further note. Somehow, my first 20 or so songs were really amazingly inventive for un untrained beginner,so I marked them with “T20”

Also, for the wives, I marked “L” and “M” for the ones I did with or inspired by Lynne and Mari.

ACCOUNTABILITY

I didn’t do it! It’s not my fault!
It must have been some other stupid guy
It’s not my problem. I wasn’t even there
These things happen – but I don’t know why

Say goodbye to accountability
The lawyers and psychologists have taken it away
Sayonara, civilized society
Find someone to blame and sue today

I couldn’t help it! I have a good excuse!
The company I kept led me astray
I did what I was told – I thought no one would care
I figured someone else would have to pay

Say adios to accountability
The lawyer/politicians have taken it away
Say auf wiedersehn responsibility
Just find someone to shame and screw today

It’s great when consequences never follow actions
It guess it means we don’t have to worry
It’s a free country just doing what we want to
And never face the music or the fury

Say bye-bye to accountability
The lawyers and the media have taken it away
Say au revoir to the old society
Just find someone to frame anew today

AFTERMATH

You throw words like bricks from a medieval catapult
Your metal stones and sticks adding injury to insult
Irresponsibility is something you excel at
You finally did some things that we can all get mad as hell at

Big wheels turning
Making plays with people’s lives
Big deals turning
I hope we all survive the burning

Insanity is breaking out the face of all the nations
And vanity is taking up the place of good relations

Mixing truth and lies is a common ploy for friendly enemies
While blackening the skies releasing aeronautic archeries
Given the excuse we could degenerate to cavemen
The guillotine and noose could both return to re-enslave men

Big wheels turning
Making plays with people’s lives
Big deals turning
I hope we all survive the burning

Indecision’s making us look like
Our back’s against the wall
What they’re dishing out’s too much
We’re far too tough to ever fall

All you men and mice who stand there waiting for the second coming
The world’s not very nice just look around and you’ll see noses thumbing
Someone’s got to go this town ain’t big enough for the both of us
If you let them run the show you’ll find there’s no room on the shuttlebus

Big wheels turning
Shoot ’em down call them all spies
Big deals turning
I hope we all survive the burning

In the meantime—There’s someone learning

AKARI

She was a bright-eyed, dark-haired toddler
The only daughter of a man and wife
She traveled from her home 5,000 miles
To a country that could save her life

Her parents knew the operation would be costly
But many people joined and showed they cared
They raised a lot of money and all the country hoped
That a tiny child’s life could be spared

They wrote the little girl’s name on the list
The long one where so many wait
Then the loving mom and dad got some bitter news
The doctors said the risk was far too great

Akari, you’re far too small
The line is long and we can’t serve them all
We draw the straws to choose who makes it through
And we have to tell you, little girl, there’s no heart for you

Akari and her parents left the good old USA
To a land of different customs and laws
She traveled to her home where she was to pass away
But became a poster child for the cause

In a land of great achievement and strong beliefs
We like to think that everyone has worth
But sometimes it takes just a little more than prayer
To save a child born of this earth

Akari, you’re far too small
The line is long and we can’t save them all
We draw the straws to choose who makes it through
We have to tell you little girl, there’s no heart for you

ALL IN THE FAMILY L

I went to try out for a job at I.B.M.
The applicants were spilling out the door
I knew I was more qualified than most of them
I had all of the training and a high S.A.T. score

I filled the forms with confidence and penmanship
I pitied other people in the place
The guy in line in front of me was such a dip
The kind you know right off would never
Make it to first base

The interviewer spoke with us, I was so cool
I thought about the dollars I’d have soon
The little twerp made of himself a total fool
The obvious decision would be made this afternoon

After lunch they told me I had lost to that poor clown
And pretty soon my vocals were restored
I asked them what had prompted them to turn me down
And discovered that his daddy was the chairman of the board

It’s all in the family And almost any slob
With fortunate heredity Will still get any job

So now I’m dating someone that I don’t like much
I play the game because the stakes are high
I buy her gifts and tell her that I love her and such
She’s telling everyone she loves a really super guy

And soon I’ll have a cushy job at R.C.A.
I’ll drink champagne instead of dirty water
I’m going to be in riches when I’m old and gray
For I’ll sacrifice true love and wed the boss’s daughter

It’s all in the family It’s not pretty, but it’s so
The theory of relativity Says it’s always who you know

It’s always who you know

ALL MINE M

I guess I’ve always been selfish
I’ve never liked to share
Especially in love
I need to be thought of as
One half of a matching pair

But I had to wait for you
I had to waste a lot of time
But with each endeavor
Better late than never
At last I’ve found a (wo)man that is all mine

Someone understands me now
And still loves me anyhow
All the others in my life
Had another that came first
Somebody to ease the aches
Someone who admits mistakes
Hard to come by in this universe

I know that I can trust you
You’ve been a loyal scout
And as for moral support
You’re the best in the sport and
You’re always there when I feel in doubt

The best years in the future lie
I will not waste more time
I feel so elated
Comfortably mated
Yes, at last I found a (wo)man that is all mine

ALL MY TOYS

I’ve been running away from humanity
Hiding my face so all the world can’t see
Every week I buy myself a toy or two
But I’m still not as happy as most of you

All my toys
Make me the envy of the other boys
All my toys
Being a kid is what I most enjoy

I am careful what I do and say
It’s this silly grown up game I have to play
But I just pretend that I don’t really care
It’s a big mean world and I am unprepared

All my toys
Make me the envy of the bigger boys
All my toys
Being a kid is what I most enjoy

I have almost all the things a kid desires
I can afford to get what my T.V. inspires
Sometimes I’m so glad I go to sleep alone at night
Then I don’t worry about whether I am wrong or right

All my toys
Make me the envy of the college boys
All my toys
I don’t want to hear anybody else’s noise

ALONG FOR THE RIDE

I am going to many places
Cause I want to see new faces
There is so much left to do I can’t decide
But I need a true companion
Like a Porthos or D’Artagnan
I want you to come along for the ride

We’ll see the high Sierras
We’ll see how clear the air is
We’ll walk along the Great Western Divide
Like pancakes and the syrup
Like a saddle and the stirrup
I want you to come along for the ride

For it’s no fun doing it alone
You’re what turns our shelter into home
You make eating into dining
Digging into mining
And sketches into finer arts and poems

I’ll fly you to Australia
I’ll rent a boat and sail ya
To the places in the word both far and wide
We’ll have a new adventure
It’ll be a real butt clencher
I want you to come along for the ride

I want you to come along for the ride

AMERICA LOST THE WAR

When it’s over and done
We can say we were number one
But somehow we let it all slip away
There was never any doubt
We would eventually be bought out
They just waited patiently for the day
Through the business suits they wore
And the land that they acquired
America lost the war
And not a shot was fired

Well, everybody knew
All anyone had to do
Was wait for the giant debt to fatten
Like Indians were we
When we bought technology
And in return we traded them Manhattan
Now the sun rises at our western door
We never thought the giant would awaken
That’s when America lost the war
And not a prisoner was taken

They’re not the kind of people
Who are easily upset
But they have an “Alamo”
That they never will forget

And when the war was through
And we had to work like they do
We had a lot less free time on our hands
United though we were
Our lost glory was a blur
And there was no bargaining for our lost lands
Lady Liberty became a whore
We didn’t learn from the Holocaust
And though our lives were spared
It was our freedom that was lost

Diplomacy and sanctions
Aren’t enough to turn the tide
America lost the war
When America lost her pride

ANOTHER DAY (In my dreams)

I got out of bed this morning
With the bright sun in my eyes
The alarm clock buzzed its warning
As I donned my work disguise
I stepped out to face the big world
Half asleep I found my way
And I noticed that my neighborhood
Seemed different today-ay-ay

There were houses down the street
That I hadn’t seen before
Separated by six feet
Next to them a brand new store
And a vendor selling something
As the kids came out to play
I can hear them laughing, yelling
But I can’t understand a word they say

I guess I should have stayed in bed
Called in sick to work instead
Everything is better in my dreams
I’m having trouble coping
When my eyes are fully open
This town is finally bursting at the seams

Well, I made my daily dollar
And I made it home alive
I can hear my neighbors holler
I can see police arrive
I can feel my body tiring
And I hang my head in shame
In the distance sounds the siren
In tomorrow’s paper I will know his name

So I lay in bed defeated
Try to shut the real world out
Tell myself that I am needed
Try to bury every doubt
As I drift off into slumber
I kiss off another day
Knowing morning’s got my number
I can see my hair and outlook turning gray

I wish that I could stay in bed
Wrap that pillow ’round my head
Everything is rosy in my dreams
The world is so demanding
There’s so little understanding
The covers help to muffle all the screams

It’s just another day In my dreams

ANOTHER TRAIN SONG

I think there’s way too many songs
‘Bout cotton pickin trains
They make me kind of queasy
Repetition is a strain
When bluegrass players start up
I guess I have to leave
Cause if I hear another train song
I’m gonna heave

All that those things ever do is tote some heavy freight
And lug land-lovin’ passengers who fly with fear and hate
So what’s the big idea with every oldie song?
Romanticizin’ railways has been done for far too long

Chorus

I go to all these jam fests, the players do quite well
Singin’ tandem back and forth, they whistle and they yell
But suddenly I hear that somethin’s gone right off the track
And there we are in Trainville, and there’s no turning back

Chorus

I holler “Folks, please stop”, but I’m drowned out by the whine
They’re chatterin’ and clackin’, and chuggin down the line
I try to steer the music away from all of this frustration
But then I hear that “Choo-choo” and I have to change the station

Chorus

ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh yes, we finally went and gout ourselves an answering machine

It’s something that we thought we’d never do to our phone

(Never do to our phone)

So if you want to leave a message and it’s not too obscene

We’ll try to call you back when we get home

(So listen for the tone)

THE ANTI-BLUES BLUES

I didn’t want to wake up this morning
Because I didn’t want to play the blues
No, I didn’t want to wake up this morning
Because that music is not something I choose
So I reached over to the alarm and hit the snooze

I’m so sick of those same damn twelve bars
And the same predictable three chords
Yes, I’m so sick of those same damn twelve bars
Goin’ out of my mind, so help me Lord
And those pentatonic riffs are driving me out of my gourd

Yeah, I’ve played so many dives
In so many lame rock bands
Never played with each other
Trying to win over some fans
I hate the repitition
And the same old drivel lines
And just when I think it’s over
Someone yells out “One more time!”

When I finally got up this evening
My eyes and temperment were all red
Man, when I finally got up this evening
All those songs were making me brain-dead
|But I ate an orange and some greens
And I went back to bed.

APATHY AND IGNORANCE

The two most common afflictions
Are apathy and ignorance
They’re worse than any addictions
But I don’t care

I have my own life to live
So don’t inform me
I like the mystery
My mind is just like a sieve
It can’t hurt me if I don’t know

Life’s full of big complications
Like ignorance and apathy
I don’t like having frustrations
So I don’t care

ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN M

I can’t believe this is happening to me again
I told him that it wasn’t a well thought out plan
The leaves on the trees are gonna fall
And I had to answer when the music called
I played myself into the arms of another man

Promises I made
I can’t keep forever
Living in his shade
Guess it’s now or never
Found a brighter sun
Said I have to run

I must believe this is happening to me again
I told him that it wasn’t a well thought out plan
The snow on the ground is gonna melt
And he never understood anything I felt
I played myself into the charms of another man

I was filled with doubt
Did I make a blunder?
Needed to get out
Or I’d always wonder
Need to have my space
Won’t be second place!

I now believe this is happening to me again
I told him that I still was his biggest fan
But all the jokes that I couldn’t ignore
Yes I found someone who seems to like me more
I played myself into the arms of another man

ASHTRAY

(CHORUS)
The world is my ashtray
There is no public place
Where I won’t throw my butts away
They’re right under my feet
Like millions in the street
That’s why this big old world is my ashtray

They say that there’s a fine for littering
I say littering is fine by me
There are matches with a flame
There are packs of cellophane
The parts that I can’t smoke– I don’t want to see

CHORUS

It’s okay because everyone does it
At least, every one addicted to the plant
If I saved a little cash
From saving bits of trash
I might do it -nahh—but you know I can’t

CHORUS

You know you should never say a thing
If I litter, don’t call me a slob
There’s no cop that’s going to cite me
You don’t like it —– bite me!
Why do you care? Hey, it’s not your job

The world is my ashtray
I don’t take no crap
Just like the Marlboro Man
I know that he’s long dead
But no logic fills my head
That’s why this big old world is my ashtray
That’s why this big old world is my ashtray
That’s why this big old world is my ashtray

AT THE NUDIST CAMP

Well, we may be old
But we’re never cold
As we show each fold at the nudist camp
Yes, we have grey hair
On display “down there”
And our buns are bare at the nudist camp

For we don’t believe in covering
The form that we’ve been given
Be it short or tall or blubbering
We’re into natural livin’

It’s sometimes a drag
That some parts do sag
But we fly our flag at the nudist camp
It’s not for the meek
For our bones do creak
And we sometimes leak at the nudist camp

Though we may look like a raison
Our skin feels like it’s blessed
And no matter the occasion
We’re never overdressed

At the nudist camp
At the nudist camp
Each Gram and Gramp
Hold their heads up high
They may use a cane
But there’s no distain
And the nurse is standing by…….

We just love the pool
Whether hot or cool
And we rarely drool at the nudist camp
And the braver sort
Use the tennis court
But the breath grows short at the nudist camp

For we don’t believe in covering
The form that we’ve been given
Be it short or tall or blubbering
We’re into natural livin’

At the nudist camp (We’re very proud)
At the nudist camp (No clothes allowed)
At the nudist camp (The geriatric crowd)
At the nudist camp (It’s never loud)

BAND TO BAND with Richard and Leslie Karst

My life is like record
A symbol in itself
Sometimes it’s really spinning
Then it sits upon the shelf
My loves are on recording
A tape and plastic maze
I’ve tried to give them up before
But they’re not a passing phase

For its band to band
Like a needle in the groove
Cause you’re in demand
When you’re always on the move

Typical of restless men
I am quite a sight and sound
And if my home looks “disaster zone”
You know that I’m around
I really have no pivot point
To make me settle down
Just one tie around my neck
To music I am bound

For it’s band to band
I hope thirty-three’s a third
For our life is grand
Though it often seems absurd

Now I’m running like a racehorse
I fly from track to track
But when I get too near the finish
I pick right up and go right back
I spin around in circles
Never pausing between songs
But when the music and the life combine
I know I can go on

For it’s band to band
Like a laser on the disc
Cause you’re in demand
If you only take the risk

BEAT THE METER

I put a nickel in the slot
When I parked and went inside
Because I had to mail a package
For my uncle that had died
I waited there in line
Which moved at a snail’s pace
And I asked the guy in back to save my place

I quickly rushed out to my car
And I got there just in time
I saw the little flag emerge
And I put in another dim
But when I went back in
The line was twice as long
And the guy I asked to hold my place was gone

I played a little game called ! Beat the meter
For the parking maid was ! Down the street or else the
Ticket paid would ! Cost some dough
I didn’t want that paper on my Chevy window

And so I stood there feeling mad
As another window closed
While one employee went to lunch
It seemed a couple others dozed
I looked at my watch and knew
My dime was getting thin
I had to rush outside
With change again

CHORUS
Oh well I finally reached the counter
‘Bout a dollar fifty later
And sent my package to my Auntie
Who is quite a master baker
I went out to my car
To go right home now that I could
And found my chevy had been stolen
By a hood

I played a little game called ! Beat the meter
For the parking maid was ! Down the street or else the
Impound fees would ! Cost some dough
Oh how I wish I’d gone with U.P.S. or FedEx

BEAUTIFUL DAY M

The clouds are rolling in like semis
To a roadside cafe
The sound of thunder in the distance
Like eighteen wheels on the highway
The air is humid, yet still cool
It smells like summer rain
Some might call it nasty weather
But one man’s loss is another man’s gain

It looks like a beautiful day
It’s dark and overcast
I love all the shades of gray
I wonder how long it will last

The sky is shifting like the sea
In an ever changing mural
It mimics motions of the waves
Each curve and cusp and curl
The air is still a tortured mass
And yet there is no pain
Some people call this gloomy
But my joy is something I just can’t explain

It looks like a beautiful day
Of that there is no doubt
My happiness will stay
Until the sun comes out

I’m having as wonderful time
I hope that it stays this way
And I hope that it isn’t a crime
To feel it looks like a beautiful day

BECAUSE YOU TOOK ME IN

I worked most of my life for a big boss that never cared
I acted ever macho but then slunk off feeling scared
But since the night we found the knack
I felt my life get right on track
I don’t have to keep looking back
Because you took me in

I left a messed-up state, and also left a messed-up me
There were a lot of women that I would no longer see
Though, a few are still good friends
And will be there until the endu
I found a place where I could mend
Because you took me in

Someone once told me that I should make a brand-new start
No one to scold me after I flipped the apple cart

Solo

Someone once told me that I should reap what I have sown
Time to cut my losses keep what little left I own
And now I’m grateful to her every minute
Take that past, get over it
Sometimes you find music can be infinite

And now I’m doing everything I should have done before
Showing some respect and never closing any door
I am showing my new face
Not trying to run any race
I’m happy to be in my place
Because you took me in

BEN GAY

She has a lot of aches and pains
And seems like several dozen sprains
It must be cause she’s getting old and gray
She has soft, but somewhat smelly skin
I hate it when she rubs it in
There she goes again
My baby uses Ben Gay*

It’s not the best of all perfumes
It often fills up several rooms
Its lingering effects last through the day
There’s nothing much that I can do
Except to help rub in that goo
Oh, yes it’s true
My baby smells like Ben Gay*

She’s not a girl that’s heavenly scented
But I still like having her around
I say when in aroma do as aromans do
And I can always find her
Without a bloodhound

So in the end the love you make
Is working through whatever aches
It’s not a very huge price to pay
I’m still her ever loyal guy
Where there’s an ointment, there’s a fly
It’s no lie
My baby smells like Ben Gay*
My baby smells like Ben Gay*

My baby always smells like Ben Gay*

*Ben Gay is a trademark of the Pfizer Company.

BIG ASS

My wife is a wonderful human being
Almost nothing bad that you can say
There’s only one fault people find with her
Her big ass is always in the way

She has a big ass
She has a big ass

When people meet us on the street
They say pleasant things to her face
But the minute we leave I just know they feel
Her big ass is taking up too much space

Her ass is always behind her
Her ass sometimes gives her lots of shame
Even though she knows she’ll never tame her ass
She often calls her ass by a name
She has a big ass
She has a big ass
My wife is a glorious person
As any idiot can see
I hope that she hangs onto her biggest flaw
For the big ass I’m referring to is me

She has a big ass
She has a big ass

BLACK WIDOW SPIDER L

She’s stalking her prey
As it tries to sneak away
But she’s going to make it pay
For she’s vicious
There’s reason for her greed
She has many mouths to feed
Just like others of her breed
She’s avaricious

She’s a black widow spider
And she spins a web of cost
You will find yourself inside her
For she wins when she has lost

She’s going in to rest
In her cozy little nest
She’s a very pampered pest
In this garden
But she’ll soon be out again
To make profit from the pain
And if you plead financial drain
Her heart will harden

She’s a black widow spider
And she spins a web of lies
With her mouth opening wider
She just keeps increasing size

BLACKMAIL

I don’t know if you’d call it
Good luck or bad luck
You don’t get opportunities like this every day
But this pretty little picture
Is my key to a fast buck
I never really liked him anyway

He’s been cheating on his spouse
What a louse
And his artistry in lying has been good
Is it the wrong thing to do?
Is it my place to disgrace?
Am I lowering myself
To the level of a lawyer or a hood?

If I write this letter
I could get a lot more than my job is paying
I have the picture
But these are very high stakes
In this game I play

I don’t care if my actions
Are illegal or immoral
I don’t care if people see me as a crook
If someone has to suffer
Well, it might as well be him
That’s what happens when
You leap before you look

He’s been cheating all his life
His poor wife
His indecency is surely more than mine
It’s the right thing to do
I feel I’m due some restitution
His affair is going to
Compensate me for my time

I’ll write that letter
I may lose a few friends and some self respect
But I’ll send that picture
It will even things out when I see that check

BLIND TEDDY

This room is my home
I lie on the quilt
My friends are all toys
On the shelf that she built
I was her friend
The child slept with me
But now it’s the end
I can no longer see

For I’ve lost the buttons
That were my eyes
They fell from my head
There was not enough thread
And now I’m a blind teddy
She’ll love me no more
I’m not ready to be
Tossed out the door

I’m filled with such fright
In my mind there’s no doubt
Now that I’ve lost my sight
I know I’ll be thrown out
I was her pal
She looked in my eyes
And now that I’ve lost them
I’m no child’s prize

And I’ve lost the confidence
To be a great toy
It fell from my heart
Now I’m coming apart
Yes, I’m a lost teddy
Lying here on the floor
And I know that she’ll
Love me no more

BOOB JOB

I was shopping at the mall and encountered an old friend
I hadn’t seen her since my big divorce
Somehow she seemed different as we got reacquainted
Then it hit me suddenly, “Of Course!”

She used to be a pirates’ dream
But now she filled her vest
With a sudden glance I saw
She had gotten it on her chest

She got a boob job …
And there wasn’t any doubt
She got a boob job
And she was a-bustin’ out

We talked about old times, but she acted rather strange
Her demeanor and her tastes just weren’t the same
Her whole attitude was changed and personality was tainted
I had lost the friend I knew–it seemed a shame

Because her cups now runneth over
Now she acted like a tease
Did they use some of her brain cells
To make those double D’s?

She got a boob job
Now she turned into one
She got a boob job
So I said I had to run

She got that boob job
And she certainly looked great
She got a boob job
I hope it was worth the weight

BOY TOY

I am so in love with her, but she’s with another man
I guess he ain’t doing something that I can
Looking to describe myself I now know what I am

 I’m someone’s boy toy
And it’s all so new to me to be a boy toy
In the mirror all I see is someone’s boy toy
And I’m proud to wear the label
When I’m dining at her table

When we are out together I am walking on the air
And then she takes me to her home when no one else is there
So I must face the fact that I am really just her spare

Cause I’m a boy toy
Round her finger like a ring, Yes, I’m a boy toy
She knows how to pull my string, I’m a boy toy
And I’m proud to wear the label
We could be a show on cable

I guess it’s very true what they say
Besides that old line, “Love is blind”
That girls will go out with guys like me
But they always seem to marry the other kind

Now she’s going off to see him I must cool my jets and wait
Every woman has some baggage, but hers is more like freight
I hope he’s disappointing, I might get another date

And be her boy toy
It’s a job I would apply for–her best boy toy
So I’ll stand here at the side door as her boy toy
And I’m proud to wear the label
For Lord knows, I ain’t Clark Gable

BRONZE, THE

Well, I’m in trouble again
My wife is mad at me
I don’t know why this happens
I’m so com-pli-ment-ar-y
I try to say something nice
And she seems to misconstrue
It seems I’m always in the wrong no matter what I do

And now she’s put our love in doubt
I’m about to get thrown out
I thought that we were for-ever mated
Her face turned seven shades of red
When I turned to her and said:
“You’re the third most gorgeous gal I’ve ever dated!”

When young, I’d been ’round the block Before I fell for her
But still I think quite clearly And each mem’ry doesn’t blur
So I thought I ranked her high Put her way up on the list
Yet, once again, I’m in the wrong, there’s something I have missed

I guess she thought it not so cute
I have now received the boot
I thought it was a good line I stated
I guess she couldn’t take a joke
When I turned to her and spoke:
“You’re the third most gorgeous gal I’ve ever dated!»m

You’da thought I slapped her face Maybe stepped on her big toe
She pointed at the door And told me where I should now go
She said I was a pig So I got in my rig
And drove off thinking “Ahh, What do women know?”

So now I have a lawyer
The third best in the town
Gonna go in that courtroom Take that woman down
Then I saw her solicitor
I knew that I was screwed
I guess she was a little more attractive than I knew

I put my head into that noose
By being so obtuse
I guess that women don’t like being graded
Because I never had a clue
I wound up number two
She’s the first most smartest gal I ever dated

BULGE, THE

There are lots of things that women like about men
But the most important thing I’ll now divulge
It’s not the face or chin or muscles on the chest
The most desired feature is the bulge

They say they like our eyes or soft long hair
But they’re blind once they notice and indulge
They say that they love us, so they want to share
In the promise and the pleasure of the bulge

The bulge in the pants that most women like the best
Is the one that’s created by the wallet
And though they’ll all deny it if you put them to the test
It’s so obvious to me that I must call it

There are lots of things that men like about women
It’s the things they hide and also things they show
So men work very hard trying to earn that green
Doing everything to make that bulge grow

The bulge in the pants that most women like the best
Is the one that’s created by the wallet
And though they’ll all deny it if you put them to the test
It’s so obvious to me that I must call it

BUNDLING BOARD

Back in the rural farmland days
When people lived so far away
Family and friends alike
Would have to spend the night
And the boyfriends with their briefcases
Would have to share the sleep space
With the daughter of the house
(Which in those days was alright)

But they also had a custom
Which sufficed to keep the lust in
Papa laid a hunk of timber
In the middle of the bed
And the couple wouldn’t cross it
For Dad’s shotgun in the closet
Guaranteed that the most daring kept their heads

(The boyfriend would accept it thusly)

My love for you can overcome this bundling board
Why just to lie beside you is it’s own subtle reward
I know that to hop over would be a big mistake
There’s more than just our honor here at stake

So with the dawn at breakfast time
Dad would say the expected line
“Well, how’d you sleep, boy?”
Then he’d watch for a reaction
And he would answer “Sir, just fine!”
And daughters’ eyes would give no sign
And Dad would be assured of no infraction

And so it was in those old days
When truth and honor had a place
And people could control the way they play
And this young man who passed the test
Who proved to Pop he was the best
Could later to his girlfriend proudly say

My love for you did overcome that bundling board
Why just to lie beside you was it’s own subtle reward
I’m sure your Pop is glad that we stayed on the side we should

BUSY SIGNAL

Last night I called you on the telephone
And I got ****
Then I dialed up the operator and got ****

Oh, that busy signal
I’m going crazy
I’m going out to find that
Busy signal
When I find that tone
I’ll smash that phone
So I won’t have to hear that ****

I called your girlfriend up to find out
Where you might be and I got ****
Listen girl, please tell me
It’s an emergency but I heard ****

So I went to your house
And I knocked on the door
Then I broke it down
And saw it lying on the floor
Going ****

Solo ********************************

The police arrested me for entering and breaking
They couldn’t understand the fuss that I was making
They gave me a dime and said
“You better well invest it”
I put it in the slot and what did I hear?
You guessed it…..Yeah!

Oh, that busy signal
I’m going crazy
I’m going out to find that
Busy signal
And when I find that tone
I’ll smash that phone
And never have to hear that ***************(fade)

(**** represents title)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

I was sitting on my sofa watching my T.V.
When I saw a man demonstrating kitchen gadgetry
He was slicing, dicing, never dropping onions on the floor
He showed what I’d pay Which I thought was okay
And then he said “But wait! There’s more”

But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s more
But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s always more

I’ll throw in a lemon squeezer And I’ll add a peeler, too
If you order now I’ll even toss in Salad tongs for you
He made me such a deal, I ran quickly to the phone
I had the stuff delivered to my home

To pay for all the crap I bought I had to get a job
I went in for my big interview with manager “Joe-Bob”
He told me what the job paid and I headed for the door
He asked me to come back , I halted in my tracks
And then he said “But wait! There’s more”

But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s more
But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s always more

I’ll throw in vacation days And the hours you can pick
Maybe use the boss’s truck If you can drive a stick
He made me such a deal, I accepted on the spot
And later I thought, “Gee, Joe-Bob is hot!”

You know where this is going; Joe and I started dating
He put the moves on me, I told him I was worth the waiting
He finally popped the question; we got married in the store
And on our wedding night I turned on the light
And then he said “But wait! There’s more”

But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s more
But wait! But wait! But wait, there’s always more

I’ll throw in a little foreplay And I’ll even cuddle after
I’ll give you a back massage If you’ll just stop all the laughter
He made me such a deal; I just had to be a sport
But for a guy with money, he’s a little short

BY ITSELF

Oh, my drink fell on the floor by itself
The crayon marked the door by itself
The head fell off my doll
And it rolled on down the hall
And it crashed into a wall
By itself

The laundry hit the floor by itself
The bathroom slammed the door by itself
My toys are out of whack
And the mirror got a crack
And my sister’s [brother’s] eye turned black by itself

Mommy, I think our house is haunted
Everything occurs behind our back
It couldn’t be these children that you wanted
So don’t blame us when something blows your stack

My dinner turned to mush by itself
And the potty didn’t flush by itself
Now you know just who to blame
For the answer is the same
My excuse just sounded lame by itself

And the kitchen turned to flame by itself
And this song just got its name by itself

CALIFORNIA ROCK with Ellen Brown

My sister follows rock stars over Laurel Canyon roads
It’s a part of California life, she says
I play guitar, and sing my songs
And hope that someday I’ll belong
To that famous clique my little sister loves

Doesn’t anybody want to know my favorite breakfast foods?
Or if I’m married or the color of my eyes?
I’d like Rolling Stone to question me
I’d answer everything faithfully
And fly my Lear jet over California skies

Oh, California rock
Is the only occupation
That is worth examination
Has more fame than any other
In the nation
Oh, California rock
Captures all of my attention
I attend all the conventions
I even go to all the shows
The papers mention

Well, California dreaming
Is a fairy tale, they say
But a rock stare has a legend that endures
Making music is a happy way
To pay the rent and hear folks say
California has the media that cures

Repeat Chorus and first Verse

CAN’T SING M

I worked very hard to write this song
I had some people help me fix the parts that came out wrong
I hired a real big studio
And I had an engineer to tell me where the drums should go
I stepped up to the mike
Having thought of everything
When to my horror I discovered
I can’t sing

I had acquired some connections over time
I had a guitarist boyfriend who was playing in his prime
After saving up a grand
I hired a real good rocking band
I stepped up to the mike
To make that perfect recording
When I proved to everyone
I can’t sing

It took a lot of work to get this ditty in the can
I know someone else might do it far more justice
But it’s my song, dammit, at least it was when I began
So I’m gonna sing it even if my voice shows where the rust is

SOLO

I did my singing and I overdubbed it
And I almost covered up all the many times I flubbed it
How I wished that I had taken some voice lessons
My recording went into extra sessions
When I listened to the tape
I knew my song had taken wing
And I almost forgot
That I can’t sing

CELIBATE LIFE

We lead a celibate life
We lead a celibate life
I (am) (got) a celibate wife That’s right
No, I’m not a big prude (him)
No, I’m not a big prude (her)
We’re just not in the mood tonight

Well, we used to get depressed
For we both were real obsessed
Went to bed three times a day or more
But the day we gave up sex
Our lives got less complex
And we’re just as happy as before

We lead a celibate life
We lead a celibate life
And we feel swell about life That’s right
Now we’re not all that strange
No, we’re not all that strange
We just needed a change tonight

Well we have so much more time
To construct a song or rhyme
Ever since our lust was put aside
And my partner understands
No more kinky demands
There was really nothing left we hadn’t tried

So if you’re at your patience’ end
There’s a cure I recommend
A solution that will give you peace of mind
Think of the time that you will gain
No more anguish, no more pain
I can promise that you’ll never get behind

We lead a celibate life
We lead a celibate life
That’s how we celebrate life That’s right
After kid number ten
After kid number ten
We said never again tonight
Not tonight (Or any other)
Not tonight (Or any other)
Not tonight (Or any other)

CELTIC LAMENT

I’ve been dumped so many times
I’ve been hurt a lot before
Most times put it all behind me
Then go out to hurt some more

No one gets out of here alive
No one ever gets to stay
Someday I’ll get what I deserve
Then there will be Hell to pay

All I want is someone near me
I need just a little hope
Give me someone to hold onto
It’s a slippery little slope

Falls right through my pudgy fingers
Goes right in and out my ear
Soon I won’t have any choices
Living all alone in here

CHEAP ROCK AND ROLL

It’s an economical time
Doing away with the frills
Making the most of nothing
Trying to get some thrills
I want to be in the movement
Make conservation my goal
That’s why I’m recycling all this
Cheap rock and roll

Cheap rock and roll It’s not inventive
But I got no real incentive
I don’t make a single dollar from this tripe
Cheap rock and roll It’s not a classic And the lyric’s not fantastic
So I guess I really got no right to gripe

Rock’s an egotistical art
Always tooting your bugle
Catering to the downtrodden
That’s why I’m being so frugal
So I’m gonna be in the movement
Even if it means selling my soul
And since there will be no improvement
I’ll write cheap rock and roll

Cheap rock and roll It’s not creative
It’s only recreative
I don’t make a single dollar from this trade
My only motivation Is to give someone elation
It’s a low common denomination serenade

Cheap rock and roll With just three chords electric
You’ll attract the non-eclectic
Over-education doesn’t make a hit
Just take a simple song riff
That makes the people sing along with
Don’t bring along your brain You won’t be needing it
Cheap rock and roll.

CHEATIN’ ON HER

My black book has lots of pages
I’ve seen a lot of action
Many colors, many ages
I was lookin’ for distraction
And then I met this woman
And no one else could hold a candle
Now I think I’ve got as much as I can handle

For cheatin’ on her is something that I just can’t do
For I love her so much I just have to be true
I still have my memories
But they’ve become a blur
Cause for now and forever I can’t be cheatin’ on her

Now I’m on the path to bliss
And I’m on my way to heaven
I live now for her kiss
As a gal she’s an “eleven”
How I love this woman
She is beautiful and deep
I just she would let me get some sleep

For cheatin’ on her is something that I just can’t do
For she’s taught me so much I just have to see it through
I still have my memories
But now I must defer
Cause for now and forever I can’t be cheatin’ on her

She’s the golden goose
And I’m the copper gander
We’ve been on the loose
And it’s hard for me to brand her
I know were both thieves
But she somehow stole my heart
If were gonna straighten up our act
I guess one of us should start

So cheatin’ on her is something that I just can’t do
For I love her so much I just have to be true
I still have my memories
But they’ve become a blur
Cause for now and forever I can’t be cheatin’ on her

CHILDHOODS END L

I’m through searching for that girl
That I’ve wanted all my life
For I’ve found her in my very own best friend
I’m not hurting anymore
She’s agreed to be my wife
I feel at last I’ve reached my childhood’s end

It’s rewarding when you know
That you’re part of someone’s name
A kinship with another that won’t fade
And it’s depending on a teammate
To help you in the game
And reminisce on all the sports you’ve played

It’s not quite like we were told in story pages
Never was a lot of gold to find at seventeen
Always thought that “happy ever after” was a fairy tale
But now I’m closer than I’ve ever been before

I’m through fighting all those windmills
Like a proverbial Don Juan
In these days there’s no damsels to defend
But somehow something in my daydreams
Says those time are not quite gone
I’ll save a piece as I reach my childhood’s end

Like the night in days of old
Like the glory ages
Never was a lot of friendship in those fantasies
I thought that “once upon a time” would always come along
And now I think that I will share that dream with her

CHRISTMAS CAROL

Christmas Carol was a whore
She made a real fine living
She only worked one month out of the year
Starting from Thanksgiving

She knew how to give good will
She worked the shopping mall
All day long she’d spread good cheer
At night she’d be on call

Men signed up early to get a date
They knew her worth because
Even Santa couldn’t wait
To get inside her clothes (clause)

The men would bring their Christmas bonuses
And soon they would be spent
They would go ho-ho-ho-hoing home
And she would pay her rent

This awful job was not her first
This one that you are despising
Her other ten-month job was worse
She worked in advertising

CIGARETTES T20

You think that you’re so cool
Puffin’ on that smoke
And when I say that it’s choking me
You think it’s just a joke
But someday soon they’ll pass some laws
To make it hard for you
To force your habit on us breathing folk
When we are passing through

Cigarettes
They’re killing you
They’re killing me
Cigarettes
They’re making you
Too sick to see
They companies will rob and kill you
Saying there’s no fun until you smoke those
Cigarettes

There’s no time like the present
Not a thing they won’t allow
You know you’re gonna die someday
So get a head start now
Just light yourself a cigarette
Dawn or dusk noon or night anyplace
You might escape the future’s problems
The rest of us all face

Cigarettes
Much worse than booze or coke or pot
Cigarettes
You said you’d quit but you forgot
The companies will rob and kill you
Saying there’s no fun until you smoke those…

Just look at what it’s costing you
They’re making millions off of you with those
Cigarettes

CLOSE TO XMAS

It’s getting very close to Christmas
The children waiting for that day
It’s getting nearer now to Christmas
Here’s hoping good things come your way

The family’s coming home for Christmas
They’ve made it through another year
The lights are shining bright this Christmas
And music fills the house with cheer

It’s Christmas, It’s Christmas, It’s Christmas…

It’s Christmas like it or not
Excitement fills the air
There’s trees and bells and tinsel
It’s time for everyone to share

It’s getting very close to Christmas
The children waking up at dawn
We’re right on top of that darn Christmas
And very soon it will be gone

The family’s leaving after Christmas
They’ve packed their presents in the van
You’ll want to rest up after Christmas
Till you go shopping once again

It’s Christmas………..blah, blah, blah

CLUMSY

I’ve been in many kinds of clumsy situations
I’m always falling down or there’s some dish I’m breaking
I think I need a long vacation
I feel too much alienation
When I make a stupid move In public places

Everywhere I go the people laugh at me
Make me feel so foolish with their levity
I want my pride reinstated
But I feel so uncoordinated
I know I’m not an expert In the social graces

Ever since the day you laughed at me
I’ve been feeling like a horse’s end
The crowd of people thought it plain to see
That you were dating quite a bozo
That ain’t the way it’s all supposed to be
Since I thought you were my closest friend
I’m getting tired of this misery

But you know there’s a show
In which I’m an acrobat
I’m a dancer and a romancer with finesse
There are times in my mind
when I can be a diplomat
In the stadium arena
There’s a graceful ballerina with me

So when next you see me with my nose to the ground
Try to realize I’m just like those around
Only I’m a little more amusing
When my mannerisms I’m excusing
And I love to see the looks On people’s faces

Ever since the day you laughed at me
I’ve been feeling like a horse’s end
The crowd of people thought it plain to see
That you were dating quite a bozo
That ain’t the way it’s all supposed to be
Since I thought you were my closest friend
I’m getting tired of this misery
But I guess it’s just my destiny

COFFEE BREAK

In the office RUSH RUSH
Sell the products PUSH PUSH
Shuffle papers STACK STACK
Input data CLACK CLACK

Cup of coffee SIP SIP
More is brewing DRIP DRIP
Make decisions GUESS GUESS
Need vacation STRESS STRESS

Bosses yelling, harpies telling
You form a mental block
Just when you think you’re on the brink
At last it’s ten o’clock

Then there is coffee and idle conversation
You’ve got fifteen from your pressure occupation
Your employers own your time but can’t boss you on your break
So savor every second and what they give you, always take

And it’s back to desks and telephones
Make transactions, funding loans
Type more sheets before the boss gets back
Maybe soon you’ll have a heart attack

Lunchtime comes but you don’t eat
You’re on a diet and on your feet
Drink another coffee cup
How many years ’til this lets up?

Another break time in the afternoon
And you know that you’ll be going home very soon
And you are thinking, “Thank God it’s almost Friday!”
And you’ll soon be heading on that homeward highway

Take the shoes off ACHE ACHE
Cook the dinner BAKE BAKE
Watch the T.V. SOAPS SOAPS
Try to forget all your HOPES HOPES
Late that evening BLINK BLINK
Why can’t you sleep THINK THINK

COMING FROM BEHIND

All my life I’ve been a “five”
Working hard to stay alive
Never good at school P.E.
Couldn’t pass geometry

But I’m coming from behind
In the human race
Cause I’m sick and tired
Of being second place
I’m always in the middle
Playing second fiddle
No one here to recognize my face

Now I think I’m worth much more
Gonna rise my rating score
I’ll pick up that ambition slack
And bring my life from red to black

There is no real escape
From this world of tussle
So I’m getting in shape
Trying to build a little muscle
Before I get too old
I want to win that gold
And all I need is just a little hustle

Now I know I’m gonna win
Go someplace I’ve never been
Gonna go right to the top
And maybe I will never stop

Cause I’m coming from behind
Yes, I’m coming from behind
In the human race

CONTROL IS ONLY AN ILLUSION

Plan for the worst
Appreciate the best
It’s all just someone else’s plan
Always have “Plan B”
Keep your choices free
We’re all just doing what we can

Control is only an illusion
Because life only gives you complications and confusion
Try as you may
To make things go your way
There’s always another big intrusion
7
Take it as it comes
Remember as it goes
Your heart should be open to the sky
Learn from your mistakes
Love when something aches
When things go wrong do not ask why

Control is only an illusion
Because life only gives you complications and confusion
Try as you may
To make things go your way
There’s always another big intrusion

There’s nothing anyone can do except accept
There’s always a Joker in the deck
The best laid plans are hammered by the wind
There’s only cause and effect

Control is only an illusion
Because life only gives you complications and confusion
Try as you may
To make things go your way
There’s always another life intrusion

There’s always another love intrusion

COUNTRY MUSIC

A friend of mine was sad one day
So I asked her what was wrong
“Well, I wrote a poem the other day,
But I’d really like to write a song
I want it to be rock and roll
And I want it to be good
But music is that one darn thing
I never understood.”

So I said “Look, Dear Heart, don’t fall apart
If you can’t write that rock and roll
Go into jazz or classical
Or pop or punk or soul.”
“I can’t write them things, neither
For that you need some learnin’ , too!”
And then it struck me suddenly
Hey, Babe! There’s one thing you can do

You can twang that country music
Get the feelin’ night or day
You can stick them chords together
Whether or not you can play
Put some lyrics with some country licks
And get your friends to sing
You might make a million records
And the dollars that will bring

So don’t feel bad about yourself
If you can’t write that “Rock and Roll”
and if you’ve never been upon the stage
Or played the Hollywood Bowl
And if you’ve got trouble writing letters
Much less words to any song
Just go into country music
It’s just where you belong

CHORUS

“Hey, I might make a million records
And the dollars that will bring!”

CRITICS CHOICE

To the man who knows his music
Who knows just what he likes
Who can explain exactly why it’s great
All respect his broad opinion
And his valuable insights
Even though today’s love is tomorrow’s hate
To the man with all the talent
Hiding in his fingertips
Only shows it when he’s influenced by ale
All respect his board dominion
And his composition bits
But though he’s found it all he’s bound to fail

Cause he’s a lazy musician
He could be great in any show
But hear his hazy renditions
Of the songs that no one knows

To the man with rigid standards
Who knows what’s right or wrong
Who almost always lives by what he preaches
Could be a model to us all
If he would put it to a song
Might give some support for what he tries to teach us
To the man with multi-facts
Congenial and warm
Who can crush you with a word or charming smile
All respect his candid candor
But he’s hard to understand
For we wish we had more substance with his style

He’s the lazy musician
He’d rather fake it than rehearse
It takes some crazy conditions
To get just one creative verse

He’s a lazy musician
And any little riff or noise
He somehow brings to fruition
Of course, becomes the critic’s choice
Of course, becomes the critic’s choice
Of course, becomes the critic’s choice

CUDDLE PUDDLE

I want a cuddle puddle
Get together with my friends and form a huddle
I need a cuddle puddle
Because I feel the best things in life
Are always subtle

It doesn’t matter if were dressed or nude
We just fall into a pile
All that matters is your attitude
And the place to put on a smile

I want a cuddle puddle
Get together with my friends and form a huddle
I need a cuddle puddle
Because I feel the best things in life
Are always subtle

It really helps to open up your eyes
To see the human inside
The pool of people can now harmonize
As long as hearts are open wide

It’s a different kind of high
Getting close and warm
You don’t even have to try
You’ve got shelter from the storm

I want a cuddle puddle
Get together with my friends and form a huddle
I need a cuddle puddle
Because I feel the best things in life
Are always subtle

In the cuddle puddle

CUDDLY CATS AND CANINES IN THE COMICS

I open up the newspaper and what do I see?
Cuddly cats and canines in the comics
Cartoons are supposed to be far from reality
Cuddly cats and canines in the comics
They never get in fights
Or tear up everything you own
They don’t howl like hell at night
Or whimper when they’re left alone
They never get carsick and their food is always free
All those cuddly cats and canines in the comics

They all say such funny things
They must have a Ph.D.
Cuddly cats and canines in the comics
In the word balloons they’re more articulate than me
Cuddly cats and canines in the comics
They make you want to hug them
And put them on your knee
And they never soil they rug
And they never have to pee
But look in your front yard and tell me what you see
It’s not from cuddly cats and canines in the comics

I really can’t refute that they’re sickeningly cute
But when you see it every morn
It gets a little old, kind of leaves me in the cold
Like those sugar flakes of corn
It really starts me fumin’ when I see them acting human
Pretty soon my paper’s torn

I go to peoples’ homes each day
And what do I see?
Pampered pups and pussies in a pigpen
They’re listening to no one
As they chase me up a tree
Pampered pups and pussies in a pigpen
And as they bite my shoes
And make an everlasting sore
To the owner it’s no news
For it’s happened twice before
But still we read the paper and think that it’s all funny
All those Cuddly cats and canines in the co-om-ics.

CUSTOM MADE GOD

All the Jesus folk who raise such a fuss
Would have you believe that a “being” made us
But if you look at all the evidence
You’ll see it can’t be true

For the “written word” that the faithful flaunt
Can be twisted to mean anything that you want
And a million prayers and nothing else
Won’t do a thing for you

Look at all the artwork dedicated to him
They claim “divine inspiration”
They tell you that “he” made everything
Including man
Well, it looks to me like man
Custom-made God

Oh, the churches want to show you the light
But the tactics they use include guilt and fright
And the lost, the poor and insecure
Are told just what to do

The courts protect freedom of religion
But what we really need is freedom from it
For if you let your guard down for a moment
They’ll pray without a clue

Listen to the music dedicated to him
They claim “divine inspiration”
They tell you that “he” made everything
Including man
Well, it looks to me like man
Custom-made God

Look at all the bullshit dedicated to him
They claim “divine inspiration”
They tell you that “he” made everything
Including man
Well, it looks to me like man
Custom-made God

CYNICAL

I used to be so cynical That was before I met you
Now my life has reached a pinnacle
With you by my side to see it through

The songs I used to write made fun of this small world
At least the little part that I could see
But you took me aside, cause you’re just that kind of girl
And now this planet means much more to me

I used to be so cynical That was before I knew you
Now my life has reached a pinnacle
With you by my side to see it through

The wars I used to fight were battles hard to win
And yet I always seemed to take them on
Leading by example, you showed how wrong I’ve been
And now I do my best to get along

I used to be so cynical That was before I had you
Now my life has reached a pinnacle
With you by my side to see it through

Somebody taught me How just to let it go
Now the folks that fought me can relax
No more apprehension I’m going with the flow
There’s optimism in some of my wisecracks

I used to be so cynical That was before I loved you
Now my life has reached a pinnacle
With you by my side to see it through

With you by my side it’s all so new

DAMN GOOD THING L

I almost punched you in the nose
I almost broke your arm
I wanted to stomp on your toes
But I couldn’t do you harm
I could have used a kitchen knife
I could have used a gun
But I decided I’m stuck with you for life
And besides you are still lots of fun

It’s a damn good thing that I love you
Or I’da kicked your butt by now
I wanted to push you and shove you
But you stuck by that vow
We have a damn good time together
We’ll make it through this life somehow
Yes, it’s a damn good thing I love you
Or I’d have strangled you by now

I looked at coffins in your size
I priced some poisoned gas
I worked out airtight alibis
Thought I’d make your lunch with glass
I went to disconnect your brakes
But then I thought I’d let you live
I guess we all make big mistakes
And it’s better to forgive

It’s a damn good thing that I love you
Or you might have woke up dead
Almost dropped that rock from above you
But I remembered why we wed
We have a damn good time together
We’ll make it through this life somehow
Yes, it’s a damn good thing I love you
Or I’d have strangled you by now

Yes it’s a damn good thing that I love you
Or I’d have strangled you by now….

DARK CLOUD

We don’t do love songs
We don’t sing about hope
Cause the future is bleak
We’re at the end of our rope

Just look at the news
And the headlines screaming loud
And you can see we’re under a
Dark cloud

Da-ark cloud behind the silver lining
We live in a place where the sun is never shining
Da-ark cloud the calm before the storm
The world we see is not so fuzzy and warm

You can keep your tender ballads
You can keep that romance
Give me the bleak and tragic
It’s the theme to which we dance

The time bomb is ticking
No controlling the crowd
And that is why we are singing to the
Dark cloud

Da-ark cloud behind the silver lining
We live in a place where the sun is never shining
Da-ark cloud the calm before the storm
The world we see is not so fuzzy and warm

All of the destruction
My, but aren’t we proud?
And that’s why we are singing to the dark cloud

Da-ark cloud behind the happy faces
We live in a place where we’re running out of spaces
Da-ark cloud the dry before the rain
The world we see is not without pain

DEAD HORSE M

The deal’s been agreed on
The contract has been signed
An album’s been recorded and pressed
The digging is complete
And the vein has been mined
That’s why I hate to see you so distressed

The school years are gone
And the final bell has rung
The sun is down and everyone’s in bed
The game is finally over
And the fat lady has sung
So quit beating that horse
Cause it’s dead

The history has been written
And a hundred times retold
The turkey has been picked to the bone
The movie is now over
And the credits have been scrolled
I think it’s time to just hang up the phone

The building’s been demolished
And the rubble has been towed
The cows and pigs and chickens have been fed
The yard is free of weeds
And the lawn has been mowed
So quit flogging that horse
Cause it’s dead

The nights are often long from
Thoughts you can’t erase
You can’t let the ghosts catch you napping
The past is dead and gone
It’s no longer in your face
You’ve got to make each day do more than happen

The garbage has gone out
It’s been taken to the dump
The odor that you smell is in your head
You don’t need a referee
You don’t need to ask the ump

DEATH IS THE ANSWER T20

Death is the answer 
For heart disease or cancer
Death is the cure
For all your sins impure yes yes yes 
Death is the answer 
It is the final reckoning 
Death is the answer 
I can almost feel it beckoning

You got problems with your ma
And you’re not fond of the wife
If you suffer from the blahs
Well then, put an end to your life
And if you can’t get along 
It’s no problem if you’re dead
And if you can’t sell your songs 
Just shoot yourself in the head

And you’ll find 
Death is the answer
For animals and plantser
Death is the end
Of problems with your friends yes yes yes
Death is the answer
It is the final reckoning
Death is the answer
Even if you think its sickening

So if your boss won’t compensate you
And there isn’t any hope 
And the girl you love won’t date you
Tie a big knot in a rope
If you’re arrested for a crime
And your lawyer has no style
You won’t serve a day of time 
If you die before the trial

Yes you’ll find….

And if you’re too short or tall
And that makes you quite upset
If you want to end it all
Just smoke that cigarette
And if you’ve got unemployment 
Can’t seem to make ends meet
Drink a six-pack of enjoyment 
And go driving in the street

And you’ll find….

DEPRESSED

I get up every morning to a beautiful day
I got a beautiful woman to help me on my way
A couple darling children with whom I love to play
But still I’m a little distressed
I have some dear old friends
Spread across this country wide
They ask me what is wrong
I say there’s one thorn in my side
I have to take so many anti-depressant drugs
It’s really making me depressed

Whenever I feel crappy
I take another pill
And soon I’m feeling happy
With my artificial thrill
The world’s a better place
And I no longer want to kill
I guess I should be feeling rather blessed
Oh, why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I just fit in?
It’s really hard to read the news
And come up with a grin
I have to take so many anti-depressant drugs
It’s really making me depressed

I know a lot of people need some help to fix their head
For me it’s a big pink one when I get up out of bed
I should be feeling grateful that I don’t wake up dead
It lets me be my very best
But still I wish I didn’t have to have
A pill to make me smile
I sometimes think this mellowness
Sort of cramps my style
Yes I have to take so many anti-depressant drugs
It’s really making me depressed

DIE HARD

There’s a movie with this title
There’s a battery by Sears
It means living and dying on YOUR terms
I want this to be my creed
When that final day draws near
And I have to leave my body to the worms

They won’t have the pants that fit when I die hard
I’ll be sticking up a bit when I die hard
I refuse to just behave
They’ll put a flagpole on my grave
Won’t know what to do with “it” when I die hard

If you mourn me, you will see that I died hard

Since I can’t take it with me, I’ll die hard
I want everyone to see that I died hard
When they lay me down for dead
I’ll still be holding up my head
I’ll leave golfers with a “tee” when I die hard

All my women at the service will remember me
Though some tried they were not able to dismember me

Something sticking past my gut when I die hard
That coffin lid won’t shut when I die hard
My will says “Do not cremate”
I’m still ready for a date
They’ll say I was born to rut when I die hard

If you mourn me you will see that I died hard

DIET

Diet—I’m on a diet Oh, why do they make every pastry taste so good?
Diet—A meager diet And I am counting all the calories I should
Try it—You can’t deny it
For there aren’t many tortures worse on earth than that
Diet—I’m on this diet And it’s because I’m just too fat

We live in a land of plenty
Unfortunately that means food
Americans could easily drop twenty
But it’s tough to change your attitude

Time to put the brakes on inflation
Show more than a little restraint
Restrictions causing you frustration
Cause you’re trying to be someone that you ain’t

Diet—I’m on a diet Oh, why does each baloney sandwich taste so good?
Diet—A stinking diet And I am counting all the calories I should
Try it—You can’t deny it
For there aren’t many tortures worse on earth than that
Diet—I’m on this diet And it’s because I think I’m fat

Society says being thin is in
I guess that’s why I’m feeling on the outs
I view my little salad with chagrin
And about this low-cal Jello I have doubts

I gaze longingly at ice cream and wonder
If the numbers on the box might be a typo
For if the makers made a simple blunder
I woudn’t be here wishing for some lipo—-Diet!

It’s a long wait when you want to lose weight
It’s a task you hate and you get irate
And that horrible scale says “So sorry, you fail”
Again resign yourself to your fate

Diet—I’m o diet Oh, why do they make every frenchfry taste so good?
Diet—Starvation diet If I could count all of those calories, I would
Try it—You can’t deny it
For there aren’t many tortures worse on earth than that
Diet—I’m on this diet And it’s because they think I’m fat

DISABILITY T20

My name is Eddie and I’m accident prone
I always get hurt at work but never at home
Why, just yesterday, I was cleaning the floor
When I slipped and I landed in a place I’ve been before

I don’t know why this always happens to me
I was due to break my toe, instead I hurt my knee
My boss was concerned, and the nurse was so kind
I said I could work but they said “Never mind”

So now I’m laid up and collecting my pay
I’m watching T.V. almost every day
My leg hurts a little but I really can’t complain
Cause I’m collecting disability
For my pain oh-oh-oh-oh

I filled out the forms that I know so well
And got a whole week off just because I fell
They said I had courage and that I’d be missed
Even though I’d just recovered from my broken wrist

So now I’m laid up and collecting my pay
I’m watching T.V. almost every day
My leg hurts a little but I really can’t complain
Cause I’m collecting disability
For my pain oh-oh-oh-oh

Now I’m doing fine and my leg is all better
I’m doing my job, which is sorting all the letters
I’d really like to quit but I got this plan
To go for all the disability that I can

So now I’m at work as a good employee
I’m so dedicated they’ll never fire me
But soon I’ll return to my slipping and deceiving
For I’d rather sit at home than do shipping and receiving

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?

You know I love you darling 
You’re my special loyal guy 
So I ask for your opinion 
For I know you never lie 
We both know that the truth 
Is the key to our success 
So I ask you 
Do I look fat in this dress? 

I know you love me darling 
You say I’m your only one 
And there is no other person 
Who can show you so much fun 
I want an honest answer 
To prove to me your love 
Is there any other woman you think of? 

They say that the truth 
Will set you free 
I won’t accept anything 
But total honesty 
You can hurt my feelings 
A little if you must 
But any white lie would be 
A betrayal of my trust 

You know I love you darling 
But you say the cruelest thoughts 
You think I’m fat and ugly 
And I learn you got the hots 
If you really feel that way 
You should keep it deep inside 
You had to say it all 
Just for your pride 

SOLO

We both know that the truth 
Is the key to our success 
So I ask you 
Do I look fat in this dress?

DOGDOO

Come on over
Visit me tonight
But when you get here
Please expect to tippy-toe across it
(Dogdoo!)
It’s just Rover
He’s my loyal friend
One side has a cold wet nose
Then there’s the end that makes the

Dogdoo! Peeyoo
You won’t mind a bit, it’s only
Dogdoo! Peeyoo
No one has as fit
Over a little dogdoo

See our parks
Provided by our city
See people look the other way
Some things aren’t too pretty
(Like dogdoo!)
See your street
A suburbian barnyard
There’s your neighbor
With his Dane and St. Bernard leaving more

Dogdoo! Peeyoo
I can’t get over it, it’s always
Dogdoo! Peeyoo
Those smells I won’t forget

Dogdoo!
The leash belongs on you
Dogdoo!
That allows that public poo
Dogdoo!
You claim that he did not
Dogdoo!
But I saw him do the squat

DOGS

Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs

Everywhere
In my hair
Everyday
In my way

Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs

There to meet
In the street
Noisy cur
Never purr

Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs

Howl at the moon
Snap at my boot
Dig up the lawn
You say they’re cute

Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs

Out for stroll
Piss on pole
Squatting on
Your front lawn

Dogs Dogs Dogs Dogs

DONT TELL ANYONE BUT ME L

You’re a very outspoken guy
Sometimes off the handle you fly
You call people names in traffic
Master of the wit sarcastic
You make yourself look foolish
Which I always hate to see
But when you think of loving
Don’t tell anyone but me

I see a volcano brewing
I’ve got a tiger by the tail
I can’t control the things you’re doing
Someday I might visit you in jail

You’re a man of charm and affection
You can also be so irritating
I sometimes wish you’d change your direction
But I won’t hold my breath waiting
You have to tell me your opinion
Bad advice is free
But if you say “I love you”
Don’t tell anyone but me

I hear a storm in the distance
I feel the anger in the air
Let me just give you a for instance
You hate it when I tell you what to wear

I’ll let you rant and rave
Then I’ll smile and agree
But when you think of loving someone
Don’t tell anyone but me

DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

I’d like to wander through this life
Leaving some happiness behind
I want to minimize the strife
And have a little peace of mind
I’d like to throw way the knife
And maybe learn how to be kind

DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

I’d like to skip the mental duel
And hear of something nice
Instead of all the usual
Unsolicited advice
Yes, I can admit I’m wrong
Without it proven to me twice

DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

All answers lead to questions
And the atmosphere gets chilling
I’ve sat upon the hot seat
With the torture and the grilling
It’s not my fault your Mommie’s love
Was something less than filling
I hope you’re happy now
That you’re out among the willing

I’d love to do away with the
“One-sided” conversation
I wish you’d never used me
As the vent for your frustration
You’ll never earn respect from just
A DNA relation

DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!

And in the place of what was caring
All there is is vulgar swearing
Please forgive us all for staring
But your lunacy is glaring
And it’s getting rather wearing
Our relationship is tearing

DOWN AT THE OLD SALOON

There’s a place down the street
Where the people you meet
Are your friends
And completely in tune
The drinks are priced low
The bartender’s a pro
Down at the old saloon

There are face to see
And the popcorn is free
Like a fraternity or commune
The music is loud (live)
It’s one hell of a crowd (dive)
Down at the old saloon

There is pinball and food
For the hungriest dude
And their sure to include a balloon
You can enjoy a steak
Watching folks on the make
Down at the old saloon

If you’re tired of thinking
Come and join us in drinking
You’ll be drunkenly stinking real soon
You should be one of us
And ride home on the bus
You got crocked at the old saloon

Down at the old saloon
Down at the old saloooooooooooooooooooooon

DOWNERS BRING ME UP T2O

When I was a boy in school
The teacher said I wasn’t cool
She said this kid’s a nervous wreck
He’ll hurt someone, he’ll break his neck

So one day while I ran around
They got some pills to bring me down
They gave me one, then two, then four
But all I did was ask for more

Cause downers bring me up
While uppers bring me down
Water makes me drunk
And liquor makes me drown

When I went on my first date
She said we would never mate
She thought she hurt my ego
I laughed because she didn’t know

That bummers bring me up
While uppers bring me down
Water makes me drunk
While air can make me drown

Now I am a man at work
The people there think I’m a jerk
They all say I talk too fast
They think my brain will never last

Cause downers bring me up
While uppers bring me down
Water makes me drunk
And liquor makes me drown…

DROPCLOTH

Crying at the drop of a hat
Trying to win a little sympathy
You won me, I can be so understanding
Why don’t you lay everything on me?

My mind wants to give you my all
Write your name on my first symphony
I indeed, try to be more than I have been
So feel free to dry your tears on me

Can it be that no two people can be tearless
Is it true that what we learned as children
Was all wrong?
Sometimes when the fearful lead the fearless
It appears appearances
Deceived you all along

I hear the drops of your pins
Sounds to my ears loud as timpani
So come on, lean upon me as your best friend
Cause together we’re good company

Can it be that no two people can be tearless
Is it true that what we learned as children
Was all wrong
Sometimes when the fearful lead the fearless
It appears appearances
Deceived you all along

Knowing at the drop of a hint
That’s when you’ve achieved true empathy
Needs arise, compromise, all for the union
Perfect as two human beings can be

DRUNKEN WEEKENDS L

I don’t know what I’d do without my drunken weekends
Always had a lot of brain cells to spend
So I drown them out with wine and cold dark ale
And I can feel my liver start to fail

I don’t know what I’d do without my love of writing
Somehow all the other things seem unexciting
So I crank it out with love and perspiration
‘Til I run out of beer and inspiration

Drowning in beers
Drowning in tears
Surrounded by the cans that build
A wall against fear
All future plans
Are they bottles or cans?
Drinking is becoming my career

I don’t know what I’d do without my broken pipe dreams
I’ve learned enough to know that things aren’t
Always what they seem
When you’ve done your best and it still
Turns against you
There’s another beer to get you through

I don’t know what I’d do
On those drunken weekends
Putting down a few
Drinking lots of brew
Anything to get me through
Drooling on my shoe
Colors lose their hue
Going to the zoo
Look at life anew
Getting rid of you
And the awful view
Learning who to screw
Haven’t got a clue

ELVIS AT THE DINER M

I was working in the diner
Serving a burrito
When I saw him in the corner
Dressed up incognito
He looked a little shabby
And he didn’t smell too fresh
But I knew that it was Elvis in the flesh

He called for me to serve him
And I recognized that voice
He said, “Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.”
As I reeled off every choice
He pointed to the menu
And I saw his golden ring
And I wrote fast as he ordered everything

It was Elvis in the diner
I knew Elvis was alive
I never stopped to think
Why he’d be eating in this dive
I wished I had a camera to photograph “The King”
I could really use the money it might bring

In a while he was finished
He stood, and said “It was the best”
He paid me with a hundred
And told me “darlin’, keep the rest”
As he headed for the door
I saw that wiggle in his hips
And I’ll always treasure seeing him at Bip’s

And as Elvis left that diner
And got in his truck to drive
I knew it wasn’t this place
That was keeping him alive
I hoped that he’d come back soon
And visit me again
His secret’s safe with me ’cause I’m a fan
His biggest fan….

Oh, it was Elvis in the diner
Of that I’m very sure

EON

You’re going out today, you’re a busy little bee
You’re taking care of business, but I wish you were with me
I know you’ve got to roam
But I wish you’d hurry home
For a day away from you seems like an eon

I know you have a job that sometimes takes you out of town
It seems to make my biorhythms cycle right on down
I wish that you could stay
So we can go and play
For a day away from you seems like an eon

You’re not the light of my life
You’re more like the blazing sun
There’s nothing that feel so right
As us when we make two one

I know when I’m all alone
I want you to be here
No matter the distance you go
It feel like a light-year

SOLO

So remember this the next time your gone
A day away from you seems like an eon

EVERYTHING

You’re everything I’ve wanted
Everyone I’ve been thinking of
Every dream undaunted
Every time I thought of love
Waited for a lifetime
As I waded through the giant crowd
Wanted so to meet you
But I had to part the cloud

There are pieces of this puzzle
That sometimes you never find
There are things that are in front of you
To which you’re always blind
You have to say you’re lucky
When you’ve made it through this life this far
But there’s a sliding scale
And it matters on it where you are

There are places on this planet
That you may not ever go
But it doesn’t really matter
It’s all people that you know
You ought to feel elated
When you see the things you’ve overcome
But there’s a big difference
Between life and the big humdrum

EXPLETIVE L

I love you because we think alike
I love you because you’re loyal
You smile when I make a joke
And you’re my favorite foil
You’re a wonderful example
Of the fairer sex
And today I love you more
Because I just talked to my “Ex”

I love your face when I come home
You’re always glad to see me
It’s great that you are on my side
I’m much more proud to be me
I know some people think that we’re
Not playing with full decks
But today I love you more
Because I just talked to my “Ex”

We like to talk a lot but don’t need to
A wink is as good as a nod
We’re similar in taste and style
Like two peas in a pod

I love you even when we fight
I love you when you’re weird
Someone has to love you right
I’m glad I volunteered
You make this life make sense
In a world that’s so complex
And today I love you more
Because I just talked to my “Ex”

EZRAS ROUND

It was late one night at Casey’s bar
And yet everyone was there
It was getting late when he walked in
And took the only chair
He ordered loudly as he looked around
As if deciding what to say
Then in a voice serene and proud
He started in to bray:

“You all look like a lively bunch
And I’m a stranger here
So I’d like to buy you all a round
As long as you want beer
My name is Ezra, sure enough
And I’d like to bend your ear
For I’ve important news for you
So gather ’round, come near.”

The gang had been about to leave
But like moths drawn to the light
They hustled close to get their drink
Prepared to stay all night
As long as Ezra’s dollars spoke
They’d listen to him, too
Good tales are hard to come by
But then again, so is free brew

“I’ve been to many places, folks
And done a lot of things
I’ve had a lot of women
And had many crazy flings
But there is one thing I have learned
From wearing all those rings
And that is LOVE is all that counts
Although it often stings.”

Well, we were disappointed
We were waiting for a joke
So we returned to darts and pinball
And the jukebox and the smoke
We watched as the old geezer left
Our crowd bid him good cheer
We spoke of him quite fondly
Not for his speech, but for his beer

FATGIRLS

Everybody says that you have to be thin
That you got to diet and jog or you just ain’t in
So you sweat at Jack LaLanne’s
And don’t worry about your brains
And when the pounds are off you pig out again

But I like fat girls
Bigger is better
Yes, I like fat girls
Can’t fit in her sweater
And I like fat girls
You always can get her Fat girls….

I don’t really like the modely sorts
You can find them in department stores
And they always have to be boss
Or they won’t come across
And they can’t open their own car doors

So I take fat girls
Shade in the summer
So I make fat girls
Warmth in the winter
You can’t break fat girls
Just don’t take them to dinner
I want a fat girl….

So give me a woman with lots and lots of fat
She’ll treat me right ’cause she knows where it’s at
And she’ll be really grateful
After gobbling up a plateful
And what more can you ask from life than that?

So I like fat girls Bigger is better I say
Fat girls They go all the way
Fat girls And they often pay
Fat girls

ALTERNATE SECOND VERSE
I don’t really like the modely kinds
You can find them in cheerleader lines
And though they look rather nice

FEAR OF GOD

Oh well, this country went to hell
After prayer was abolished
For all the little heathens in the schools
That’s when Jesus as our Lord
Was abandoned and demolished
And people all became Godless fools

So let’s bring it back
Everything will just be fine
For everyone’s beliefs
Should coincide with mine
The Church and the State
Should now unseparate
We need the fear of God
To keep us in line

Oh yes, the country will rebound
Once we vote the prayer back in
And everyone reverts to the good old days
And we must not just stop there
Must not let our effort slacken
We’ll change some other laws to fit our ways

So let’s bring it back
And we’ll post it on a sign
Any teachers that object
Will be requested to resign
The hymns we’ll all hum
Still no tax on that income
We need the fear of God
To keep us in line

It doesn’t matter what language you speak
For humans are just peas in a pod
I don’t care what customs you bring to this great land
As long as you pray to the good old Christian God

So let’s bring it on back
Everything will just be fine
For everyone’s beliefs
Should coincide with mine
The Church and the State
Should now unseparate
We need the fear of God
To keep us in line

FIFE AND STRUM M

At the height of your powers
Is when you put yourself in doubt
You always count the hours
That you counted yourself out
It’s the fear of rejection
And the push to perfection
That makes me wonder what you’re all about

At the peak of a performance
Is when you surely shine
But you still have inner torments
That strange enough, are just like mine
As we rise to the occasion
There’s the past and its persuasion
It makes me wonder where we are in time

The night is starry
As the ships pass by at sea
And your eyes look far away tonight
If only we would lighten up
We’d know that good things are enough
And not worry about the stage of fright

Now life is new each morning
And the best is yet to come
For it ends without warning
So why worry yourself numb
Don’t let your learned behavior
Do yourself a big disfavor
As long as there is life
We’ll have the fife and the strum

FIFTIES SONG

There’s a couple dozen Fifties songs written
With this chord pattern
Guess I thought I’d try to make up one of my own
But as you all know I can’t quite play
Anything that’s too normal
So I guess I’ll add a few things changing the tone

There- I went to a chord you didn’t expect
Jumped up to the next a measly half step
Now it’s more my style, just slightly bent like me
Aug and demented!

Now I gotta make up words of love
Or some such crapola
Guess I’ll make it seem like men and women get along
But as you all know it rarely works out that way
(It’s stormy)
So I’ll I guess I’ll make up lies so this thing will sell

Second time around there’s no surprise here
Now you can predict, the change is now clear
You won’t be beguiled it might just flow in key….

Time for a solo

There’s a couple dozen Fifties songs written
With this chord pattern
Guess I thought I’d try to make up one of my own
But as you all know I can’t quite play
Anything that’s too normal
So I guess I’ll add a few things changing the tone

Make it one of my own
Make it one of my own
Make it one of my own
Make it one of my own

FINAL DAY

I don’t believe
That this is all there is
So I won’t grieve
On that Final Day
I want to go
Where my soul can rest
Won’t someone show me
The easy way

Give me an answer that my hands can hold
Give me a reason to come in from the cold
Help me to understand whey everything gets old
Tell me why I just can’t seem to fit in the mold

I don’t agree
That there is no more
But why can’t we?
Get there different ways
I want it it all
And I’ll try to learn the game
But I don’t have the ball
And don’t know the plays

Give me an answer that my hands can hold
Give me a reason to come in from the cold
Help me to understand whey everything gets old
Tell me why I just can’t seem to fit in the mold

I don’t believe
That this is all there is
So I won’t grieve
On that Final day

FIRST LADY, THE

Well, here I am again to tell my story
I feel it’s time to let the truth be known
I’ve never liked the town of Sacramento before
But it’s there my heart has flown
Yes it’s there my heart has flown

You wonder why I’m singing about my sorrow
It’s because the man I love won’t govern me
I give him rope, forever hope tomorrow may bring
The chance to be the First Lady
I’ve got a chance to be the First Lady

Well, I am kind of down since my love has turned to Brown
I’ve had other loves previously
It would be my delight if her married me tonight
We’d move to a big house in D.C.

You all think my man’s a little distant
The state he’s in won’t let him be himself
So I play it cool and never get insistent with him
We play politics like no one else
Yes, we play politics like no one else

Well, I am kind of down since my love has turned to Brown
I’ve had other colors previously
It would be my delight if I married him tonight
We’d move to a white house in D.C.

Now I’m through being cheated and lonely
I’ve had it with reporters spying on me
But I would endure it for another hundred years
If I could be the First Lady
If only I could be the First Lady

FLASHER, THE T20

I’m just like the guy who drives his car nowhere
Showing it to lots of girls, they always stop and stare
And they wear smashing clothes and Supermodel hair
But I show more than them, cause I don’t have underwear

See me flash
Spread my overcoat wide
I’m unabashed
I’ve got nothing to hide
See me flash

I believe that what you see is what you get
So when you see me coming, don’t get so upset
I’ll show you something that you never will forget
And if you think it’s shocking well,
You ain’t seen nothing yet

See me flash
Spread my overcoat wide
I’m unabashed
I’ve got nothing to hide
See me flash

I show little girls, they always start to run
I show old ladies, it’s how I have my fun
I show everyone, don’t stop until I’m done
Even the men are shocked, cause I have more than one

See me flash
Spread my overcoat wide
I’m unabashed
I’ve got nothing to hide
See me flash, see me flash, see me flash

FLEABAG HOTEL T20

There’s a place in every city
Where the people aren’t to pretty
You wonder why they’re not within a cell
You may ask, “Where do they stay?”
Or how they got that way
I can take you there and you can stop and stare
At the Fleabag Hotel

At the Fleabag Hotel Yes, at the Fleabag Hotel
If you want to know what it’s like to go to hell
Stay at the Fleabag Hotel

You’ll find dealers and some gays
And some addicts in a daze
And the guys who earn a living with a gun
A transvestite with a limp
There’s some ladies with their pimp
And a guy over there
Asking for a fare
He’s just an ordinary bum, yeah.

At the Fleabag Hotel At the Fleabag Hotel
Where there’s always something to buy and sell
There at the Fleabag Hotel

I can see it in your eyes
That you think I’m telling lies
That these horrors that I’m speaking of aren’t true
If you think I’m indiscreet
Let me drive you down your street
You’re not looking for it
But you can’t ignore it
It’s just three blocks from you

It’s the Fleabag Hotel It’s the Fleabag Hotel
Where the doors are broken and the hallways smell
At the Fleabag Hotel

At the Fleabag Hotel At the Fleabag Hotel
If you want to know just what it’s like
To die and go to hell
Stay at the Fleabag Hotel

FONDER

We can’t always be together
We have jobs and separate ways
But we’re linked by a strong tether
As we mesh our time off days
So I tell you with no punch line
When I walk in your door
If absence makes the heart grow fonder
Than one day makes me love you more

How I love my humble home
I love my humor writing
But I let my brain roam
To the arms I find inviting
So I say to you sincerely
To the muse I can’t ignore
If absence makes the heart grow fonder
Than one hour makes me love you more

Yes I think of your love every once in a while
About as often as a teen gets a text
I think up things that I know will make you smile
And I’m look to you to see what’s next

SOLO

So I rehash the obvious
Hoping that I’m not a bore
If absence makes the heart grow fonder
Than one minute makes me love you more

FOREIGN LOVE

My girl’s in love with a mexican
A love that I’d hoped would not be
But ever since our trip to Tijuana last year
There’s been a Beaner between her and me

She’s also in love with the black boys
She says that I must learn to share
It’s very hard to do this, but one thing is clear
Wherever we go, a Negro is there

Foriegn love, foreign love
She’s not into borin’ love
Out’a her comes pourin’ love
Just not for me

Then she has this thing for Italians
Her love for other cultures has no cure
I know that when she finds another handsome gondolier
Then a Dago just may go with her

There’s also this thing with the Orient
By now our love is on shaky ground
When I went to see her to offer her a beer
It was an asian occasion I found

Foriegn love, foreign love
She’s not into borin’ love
Out’a her comes pourin’ love
Just not for me

You all think I’m not very sensible
But now you know I’m really a jerk
For I just saw another guy removing her brassiere
It was some Hebrew that she knew from work

Then she went off to the middle east
To see religeous conflict in the raw
When she came home I met her latest friend
There dressed in khaki an Iraqi I saw

Finally, she did the ultimate
I knew I could not handle the stress
I saw her walking up and down the street where I live
She was all ovah a Jehovah Witness

Foreign Love foreign love
She’s not into borin’ love
Out of her comes pourin’ love
Just not for me

FORTUNATE FLATULANCE

I was sitting in an office
There were lots of people there
When a sudden bloated feeling
Made me wiggle in my chair
I crossed my legs and clenched my teeth
But much to my chagrin
No matter how I grunted
I just couldn’t hold it in

A foul aroma filled the air
One lady left the place
And then some others joined her
As I tried to hide my face
One guy got up and said some words
And ran right out the door
And pretty soon there was just me,
The smell and the decor

A secretary came to get
The next interviewee
She came into the room and saw
That there was only me
I handed her my resume
That’s how I got the job
It goes to show it pays to be
A gross, disgusting slob

It really is ironic
When I’m out making rounds
I read each person’s meter
And ignore the snarling hounds
I think about the day
That I had to let one pass
And started working for
Southern California Gas

(Rover, get away from that man before he kills you!)

FOUL WEATHER FRIEND M

When my life was tough, she was there
Through the hard times all we had was misery to share
Then the dark clouds cleared
And the good times were so near
Then suddenly she didn’t seem to care

When the job got rough, she came through
When I needed advice she always knew just what to do
When our ship came in
And it felt like we would win
I found that we were no longer two

My foul weather friend
Can’t believe this is the end
As I put this little song to pen
Now our home is a shell
Maybe once my life is Hell
You might come back and love me again

SOLO

Now I’m all alone, she is gone
All that’s left for me is the memories and this song
But I’ve been here before
And there’s still that open door
There is nothing left to do but carry on

My foul weather friend
Can’t believe this is the end
As I put this little song to pen
Now our home is a shell
Maybe once my life is Hell
You might come back and love me again

You might come back and love me again

FOUR EYES

It’s not my fault I got poor eyes
So why do they call me four eyes?
I’m not bad looking and I exercise
But I feel I’m always in disguise

I wear glasses on my face
Why is that such a disgrace?
I’m my classes I excel
But my social life is hell

I hate those glasses
I’m four eyes
And I feel despised

They called me to the D.M.V.
I had to prove that I could see
They gave me letters to describe
With my bare eyeballs I sure lied

They told me sternly when I drive
If I want to stay alive
They said my glasses were a must
I gave them my best look of disgust

I hate those glasses
I wear glasses and I don’t like them
I wear glasses, a spectacle show
I wear glasses, what does it matter
Hate those glasses, a horn rimmed foe

I started feeling desperate
So I used my wits to compensate
I got myself some bucks to spend
Went out and bought some contact lenses

And now my social life is great
I’m finally got myself a date
A great weight lifted off my nose
For my four eyes I have disposed of

I hate those glasses…

FOURTH OF JULY T20

I remember when you left me on the Fourth of July
When I said goodbye, and you didn’t reply
I’m sure the crowd around us hurt to see us undone
Thought we’d ruined the fun that we’d only begun
We both knew we’d be better off as friends
And we knew that soon we’d laugh about
The times we had way back when

I think about the day the noise was loud in my ear
When we cried in our beer that bicentennial year
We worked it out and found we both sincerely did care
And that life is unfair, for we both did our share
We saw that we’d be better off as friends
And we knew how much we’d laugh
When we had seen it through to the end

And now the fireworks are over
It’s time to break out the champagne
We’re both a little older and wiser
We know that when we lose we also gain

I hope we learned a lesson that significant day
When we both had our say, and went our separate ways
We know love only works when personalities click
Or you can’t make it stick, and it’s over with quick
When you know you’ll be better off apart
Don’t fool around just tell yourself
It’s better to break a heart

On the Fourth of July

FREEDOM OF THE PRESS

Just the facts
The whole truth
Is what they used to say
Now all those hacks
Seem rather ruthless
And write the news a different kind of way

Got those rating wars
From the media whores

MSNBC sucks
Fox misquotes history
CNN’s misleading
Hard to solve this mystery

The Press has freedom
And sometimes freedom to excess

The endless…news anchors…droning on, they’re such a bore
A pain a canker, just like any other sore

See Ms. Information
She is looking very nice
Same on every station
Accuracy, roll the dice

The press has freedom
And sometimes freedom to digress

I tuned to a station, then 2 and then 3, reporting stories with a slant
You can go right and then to the way left
To find unbiased news I think you can’t
From the internet to your old TV set

Oh I think I’ll just
Go read a good book

The press has freedom
And sometimes freedom to oppress

FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE HARMONY

I know there was a time that I thought
I couldn’t stand by you
You did me wrong, I felt betrayed
By the things you put me through

But then I realized that who is “right”
Is not as important as it seems
If everyone would rather fight
There’d be few remaining teams

Friendship is like harmony
The dissonance resolves
And living things like you and me
Continue to evolve

I know there was a rhyme that I taught
To you, we played all night
We sang it very loud, but still
We’re trying to get it right

And then I realized that this is more
Than both of us alone
I theorize that what’s in store
Is something we’ll both own

Friendship is like harmony
The differences resolve
And loving things like you and me
Continue to revolve

FROGS M

I went through every sort of guy
Before I fell for you
Just like a little finger wart
You kind of on me grew
I finally got you to my pad
And I’ve been happy since
I had to kiss a lot of frogs
Before I found my prince

The last guy I was with
Was a horny little toad
He took me for a ride
And then he dumped me on the road
I saw you from afar
Across this dirty little pond
And ever since that day
Of you I’ve grown quite fond

I won’t forget that special night
You took me to the hop
I knew I’d found Mr. Right
And I don’t want our love to ever stop
When I promised you my loyalty
You weren’t hard to convince
And you turned into royalty
And have been ever since

I used to get real jealous
I used to be so green
Wishing I could be just like
What other people seem
We’ll always have the music
We’ll always share the joke
And I hope that we
Will always be together till we croak

I went through every sort of bum
Before I fell for you
Just like a little finger wart
You kind of on me grew
I finally got you to my pad
And I’ve been happy since
I had to kiss a lot of frogs
Before I found my prince

FUTUREHOOD T20

Oh, the world’s not faring all too well
We’ve all been going down for quite a spell
Can’t you tell
The time is near get ready for the flood
For you know that we’re not doing all the good
That we should

Well, you know about the lack of love in man
You might run and try to find a place to stand
If you can
Washington, there’s nothing left of you
Media, there won’t be any news to see you through
Ooooh

If you want I’ll tell you where to hide
Come with me, I’ll take you for a ride
Come inside

You’re not certain what I’m saying is all true
They surround you, look around you, when you do
If you do
You’ll see we’re all going down the drain
Try to fight and when you feel the pain
Try again, try again

If you want I’ll tell you where to look
Just turn to the last chapter of my book
Take a look, take a look

I will be the one you come and see
Just believe and I will set you free
Trust in me, trust in me

Oh, the world’s not faring all too well
We’ve all been going down for quite a spell
Can’t you tell?
The time is near get ready for the flood
For you know that we’re not doing all the good
That we should
That we should

GIRL OF MY DREAMS

The world is full of lovely girls to look at
There’s even some I look upon as friends
But there’s just one who shares my inner secrets
There’s only one on which my heart depends

She is very dedicated to me
I feel as if I’ve known her since my youth
But there are those who tell me she is phony
I stay away from then, I know the truth

The girl of my dreams is never far away
When she came to me she came to stay
She’s always in my head
When I lay down to bed
She’s someone that I dream about each day

Now I’m a handsome guy who works in banking
The office girls all make a pass at me
I tell them of the girl that I’m in love with
They curse their luck and then they let me be

My mom and dad both say they want to meet her
I say the girl I love is very shy
But she will come around when she is ready
For now she’s mine, yes I’m a lucky guy

The girl of my dreams is never far away
She never argues with me, she’ll do anything I say
She’s always on my mind
She helps me to unwind
She’s the sunshine of my nighttime
Come what may

She’s the girl of my dreams

GOIN HOMELY T20

I see the mirror every day
I see my face again
I see my hair all turning gray
And wrinkles setting in
Worse and worse as I grow old
My good looks disappear
I tell myself the obvious
Though I really hate to hear

I’m goin’ homely
Like I always knew I would
I’m goin’ homely
And my friends say I don’t look as good
As I

Used to get all the gorgeous girls
Once or twice a week
We’d have a ball, and short or tall
Be dancing cheek to cheek
But now I have to pay for what
I used to get for free
Yes, once I told them what to do
And now they’re telling me

I’m goin’ homely
Like I have for many years
I’m goin’ homely
And I’m not what I appear

I’m ugly now, it’s hard to take
You needn’t be so kind
You don’t have to flatter me
I know that you’re not blind
You see my face and you wonder how come
I don’t seem to mind
The truth is you’re the one in front
While I’m the one behind

I’m goin’ homely
Like I always knew I would
I’m goin’ homely
And my friends say I don’t look as good

GOING HOME WITHOUT YOU

There are two song titles
Every songwriter should skip
They’ve been so overdone
That you shouldn’t take that trip

One title is “Without You”
It’s an awful hackneyed phrase
And the other “Goin’ Home”
Has been done a hundred different ways

I was playing my guitar
And staring at the ceiling
When I got this inspiration
That expresses my true feeling

And I found the perfect title
For this song that’s spanking new
It’s called “ Going Home Without You”

Going home without you
I am looking forward to
Going home without you
Really changes what I do
Yes, I found the perfect title
For my cynic’s point of view
It’s called “ Going Home Without You”

How original it feels
And what joy the song conveys
All the comforts of my space
And no “You” around for days

In this solitude there’s peace
There’s no pressure from a spouse
I will sing this to the sky
While I wallow in the quiet house

Yes, I found the perfect title
For this song that’s spanking new
It’s called “ Going Home Without You”

Going home without you
I am looking forward to
Going home without you
Really changes what I do
Yes, I found the perfect title
From four words that aren’t new
It’s called “ Going Home Without You”

Going home without you
Going home without you
Going home without you

GONNA BE MERRY M

Can I marry you?
Can we make it official?
Can I change your name?
Or at least an initial?
Let’s have a go
And seek someone judicial
I’d like to form a permanent relation

Can I get assent?
Along with love and devotion
Now I know what’s meant
By the gamut of emotion
It’s never too late
To give in to the notion
I want you for a mate for the duration

For I’m gonna be merry when I marry Mari
Gonna be happy on that special day
Just say okay and I won’t make you sorry
I hate to be sappy but I feel this way

I know what it’s like
To be appreciated
The home that we share
And the music we created
I know we’ll have a blast
If we get legally mated
We’ll have a “Truly Us” type celebration

For I’m gonna be merry when I marry Mari
Always remember that you are my peer
We’ll be embarking on a new safari
Making the most of every future year

Gonna be merry…

GOOD OL’ COUNTRY BOYS

We’re good ol’ country boys
We like our country noise
We married the girls we took to our high school prom
We don’t care much for grammer
And we’ve spent time in the slammer
We beat our wives but worship dear old Mom

We’ll I was watchin’ “Hee Haw”
With a friend just yesterday
It’s that or “Grand Old Opry”
It’s all they ever play
I asked him to explain a joke
That went over my head
But he was so drunk
I thought he was dead

We’re good ol’ country boys
We’re Billy Bobs and Roys
Our slangy jargon often don’t make sense
We’re often darned possessive
And drunk we’re real aggressive
We make love like those guys from “Deliverance”

Yep, I was out a-hunting
And not having any luck
When suddenly I saw trees move
I thought it was a buck
I fired once , I heard a cry
I ran to see what’s whut
And found I’d shot Old Yeller
In the butt

We’re good ol’ country boys
And we love our country toys
Like pick-up trucks and several dozen guns
Yep, we haven’t got a care
Unless someone makes a dare
And wee pass on all our vices to our sons

GOT MY JOB BACK

My company just laid me off
They said that times were tough
My friends just got their paycheck cut
The bosses weren’t making enough
There was only one thing to do
To get my life on track
I moved to another country
And got my job back

I used to love the USA
The land we thought was free
But our fortunes have gone overseas
There ain’t much left for me
I just ran out of options
It’s all so out of whack
So I moved to another country
And got my job back

I had to learn their language
Unlike they do for us
But everything is cheaper
Another giant plus
Sometimes I miss the homeland
But there’s a lot less tax
And I don’t think that working here
I’m gonna get the ax

My country reps just pissed me off
They can’t see eye to eye
The president and congress
Waste a huge piece of the pie
Not saying this is paradise
But they got the work we lack
So I moved to this foreign country
And got my job back

GRAVEYARD T20 this was my first recorded song

When you’re working graveyard
You’ve joined the dead You’re far ahead
Of the regular crowd
Sleeping at day the Dracula way
Waking up when there’s no one around

When you’re on the graveyard
Get extra pay Your friends all say
That you’re white as a sheet
Isn’t it fun hiding from the sun?
Making darkness your only retreat

Graveyard, graveyard
Talking with deceased
Make employers pleased

(Take it, boys)

Yes, when you’re on graveyard
You’re half asleep You’re incomplete
Like the people on swing
Feeling alright while working at night
Is next to an impossible thing

Graveyard, graveyard
Never shave or sleep
Cause you’re always on your feet
And you always get such lousy food to eat

When you’re working graveyard
The girls all go Because they know
That you’re going to work
She’s getting hot at home where you’re not
Making you feel
That you’re really a jerk

Graveyard, graveyard
Get your signals crossed
From all the sleep you’ve lost

Graveyard, graveyard
Never get your say
Because the bosses work at day
Yeah

GREEN-EYED MONSTER

When the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head
All you can do is lay down and play dead
And that jealous rage can hit at any stage
And you can’t go home again to your own bed

It’s the mean, unforseen
Green eyed monster
It’s the mean, quite obscene
Green eyed monster

When the green-eyed monster gets into your brain
All you can do is give in to the pain
If you don’t make clear you want him out of here
He’ll get you down and make you go insane

CHORUS

Take it, Igor…

When the green-eyed monster gets the best of you
Sitting and crying is the best you can do
You can’t give in to his big ugly grin
Only time will tell if you’ll make it through

CHORUS

Go, Godzilla, go…

GRIDLOCK

I’m going nowhere, nowhere at all
It seems I learned to drive before I learned to crawl
Bumper to bumper, a good time to stall
There must have been mismanagement at City Hall

The traffic planners should have been fired
For years they took the money, then retired
Now we’re all paying, with smog and time
Don’t get on the freeway
For there’s a sign saying:

Gridlock!
Condition: Everyday
Just relax, you’re there to stay
Gridlock!
Trapped just like a rat in a maze
One of them goes but
More than twenty of them stays

I still remember when taking a ride
Meant going somewhere with your family beside
Some relaxation, a town filled with pride
I think somehow, somewhere (years ago) somebody lied

Now there’s new residents from lands afar
Most of them have roommates, and each one has a car
There’s lots of jobs here, there’s just no room
So if you gotta go somewhere, it better not be soon

For it’s Gridlock!
Condition: overload
Oh, my kingdom for some road
Gridlock!
Trapped just like a rat in a box
This is the land where opportunity knocks

Gridlock! Condition: overcrowded
Oh, I wonder who allowed it?
Gridlock! Condition: overtaxed
Now we have to face the facts
Gridlock! Condition: it’s too late
Time to leave this crowded state
Gridlock!…..

HAD TO BUY A BEER

I was driving down the highway
Through a one-horse town
I realized I had to “go”
And started to slow down
Passed a few gas stations
But the signs said ” SORRY, CLOSED”
I found an open bar at last
An answer to my woes

Well, I hustled in there mighty fast
Was pretty dark inside
I told myself relief at last
“Where’s the John!” I cried
The barmaid whispered in my ear
And filled my heart with gloom
She said “You have to buy a beer to use the bathroom”

So I forked out a couple bucks
She poured a frosty ale
I quickly ran into the back
I almost filled the pail
I knew I should have hit the road
But I couldn’t waste that beer
And while I drank, a pretty lass
Said “Hi, what brings you here?”

I told her I’d been on the road
And saw this cozy bar
I had my bladder to unload
And I didn’t have a jar
So I came right in here to whiz
Before I met my doom
And found I had to buy a beer to use the bathroom

And then this big gorilla sort
With a cowboy hat and spurs
Pulled that girl away from me
And started in to curse
“What do you mean, talkin’ like that
To my sweet girlfriend Nell?”
He threw me across the room and then
The whole place went to hell

A fight ensued, and glasses flew
I found mine on the ground
I put them on, and before I knew
I’d bought another round
I had a real good time that day
And I learned to use a broom
All cause I had to buy a beer to use the bathroom

HAIR PIE

Hair pie, hair pie, hair pie, hair pie

I—love the hair pie
On it I love to dine
I love the hair pie
Weather coarse or fine
When eating hair pie, I’m not in a hurry
For I love every morsel that is furry
I don’t come up for air-why?
I’m in love with that hair pie!

Give me more hair pie
I don’t think I’m quite full
Bring me more hair pie
Brillo pad or wool
Lemon, tasty choc’late or strawberry
I love every morsel that is hairy
It’s a treat I swear by
I’m in love with that hair pie

HALLOWEEN

It was the eve of Halloween
It was night of all things scary
I was looking for a woman
Who would make this night more merry
I went into this quaint bar
Introduced myself as “Larry”
And met a really lovely gal in there

I could tell that she’d be easy
I could smell her strong perfume
I undressed her with my eyes
And read a tag, “Fruit of the loom”
It was time to make my move
So I strode across the room
And asked her if she’d like a drink to share

I sat there on the stool
And I cracked a little joke
I ordered her a drink
And I offered her a smoke
I looked into her eyes
Until she opened up and spoke
“I guess that you’re a stranger to this place”

I wondered what she meant
And I heard a noise just then
I turned and saw the customers
And none of them were men
My eye fell on the figure
Of a woman six-foot ten
Who walked up and stuck her bosom in my face

She said:
“Listen to me, buster
Get your meathooks off my Rose
Or I’ll take your zipper thruster
And stretch it to your nose
I’ll make you sing soprano
And give my girl the souvenir
So get your macho hiney out of here”

I took her good advice
Got my butt right out of there
Didn’t have to tell me twice
I had gotten quite a scare
I think I’d rather grapple
With a wounded grizzly bear
It’s the last time I’ll go in there
To have a beer

And next Halloween
When I go out trick or treating
I’ll make sure I find a place
Where real women are a©meeting *another Mari rewrite

HARD TO GET ME

I was told it was better to put up a boundary
They told me it was better to keep the mystery
When I let someone in too fast it seemed to upset me
So I played hard to get
And I got no one to get me

The rules of love and intimates
Are so hard to define
You think that you are in the grey
Then wind up on a line
The shadows of the past
Just cloud up every move one makes
You put it all out there and find
You’ve made some big mistakes

I was told it was better to put up a big wall
It takes years to unfetter
And stop the childhood call
When I let someone in too fast it seemed to upset me
So I played hard to get
Now I got no one to let me

Someday it may end for me
And maybe then I’ll mellow
But as a work in progress
Sometimes whispers turn to bellows

I was told it was better to put up with the pain
I wrote someone a letter
And then wrote them again
When I let someone in too fast it seemed to upset me
So I played hard to get
And I got no one to pet me

Yes, I played so hard to get
That I got no one to get me

HAWAII

We want to go to Hawaii
Want to raise some cane..sugar
I wanna see the hula skirt wahinis
I wanna see Mark and Brian ..in bikinis

So aloha
Gonna go-a
To Mauna Lo-a..Yes!
In Ha-a-wa-a-ii

We want to fly to Hawaii
We hear they have some fine (that’s PINE)..apples
I wwanna spend a day or three there
I wanna get a lei (What?)
Around the neck for me there

So aloha
Wanna go-a
To Mauna Lo-a..Yes!
In Hawaii

We got to win a week in Hawaii
Want to see the surf-ace of the beaches
Maybe I’ll find some old relic
Maybe I’ll finally get to meet Tom Selleck

So aloha
Gonna go-a
With KLO-a..S!
To Hawaii
To Hawaii!

HE WAS MY DAD

He was my dad, so I was told
I was always young, he was always old
He said “Hello. Welcome to the fold”
“You will be the person I will shape and mold”

It was so easy way back then to love him
There wasn’t very much to understand
And no one else’s daddy was above him
For he was the leader of our little band

As I grew more and I gained new skills
I learned some lessons and I took some spills
And Dad was there paying all the bills
And we had the holidays with all the frills

It got a little harder to laugh with him
But when things got tough we rode it out
The ups and downs became a rhythm
And somehow still he kept his clout

Once upon a time he was my dad
But he got mad, it made me sad
And I still remember when I was his child
I still remember all the times he smiled

Then one day I left, like a bird that’s flown
And I found a nest that I could call my own
But when I looked back, once I’d finally grown
I saw a hollow shell that once was flesh and bone

I can’t select the year I finally lost him
His influence shines through me every day
The love he could have had would not have cost him
But he had to live his life in his own way

Once upon a time, he was my dad
But he went mad, it made me sad
And once upon a time I was his child
Yes, once upon a time I was his child..

HIGHER AND HIGHER

I went down with the boys to our favorite pub
The place place got hoppin’ around nine
Just another Monday for most folks
But to me, it was my night to shine
For every other week there was an open mike
And my singing’s smooth and fine
When I competed with the yokels and drunks in there
That 50 dollar prize was mine

The rules were always simple —You got one song
You sang until you forgot the words
Or the notes started sounding wrong
If that happened you stepped aside—And let another in
But as I proved here every week
There was no doubt who was gonna win…

Tonight felt slightly different than all the rest
Several new things I found
Instead of the usual Karaoke
There was a live band making sound
The place was so crowded I couldn’t see
The sawdust on the ground
And the pot now held two hundred bucks
And my friends bought me a round

The first guy up lasted one whole verse
The second the and third were even worse
Down the line they fell like dominoes
They didn’t know the words, or the la-ti-dos
It was my turn, and I stepped right up
I can sing most anything within my range
So I started singing the one they knew
When the band made a big key change

And the chorus got higher and higher
It was getting too high for me
Though I knew all the verses entire
I started singing out of key
That sneaky band was playing tricks
Just to see me in agony
And the chorus got higher and higher
It was getting too high for me

And the chorus got higher and higher
‘Til it got too hard to sing
Though I knew all the verses entire
I started singing… anything
That sneaky band was playing dirty tricks
Boy, was it embarrassing
And the chorus got higher and higher
‘Til it got too hard to sing

When the nightmare ended, I stumbled to the door
Knowing just how much I stank
Then my buddies pulled me back and bought another drink
And told me it was all a prank
They hired that band and set me up
Grabbed my chain and gave a yank
It was my attitude and my bragging ways
That I guess I have to thank

That’s why the chorus got higher and higher
And why I lost the contest vote
Now I’ve learned my lesson entire
Not the hero, now the goat
Now I’ve really gone and hurt myself
Trying for every high note
And I think I’ve done some damage
To my ego and my throat

HIT SONGWRITER T20

Well, he’s singing his song for you
Trying to burn your ears
Like he’s done all along for the last ten years
You may think his playing
Is really no delight
But you can bet he’ll sell a million overnight

Cause he’s a hit songwriter
And he sets a rocking beat
All the hearts get lighter
When he walks into the street

He’ll be on the charts
He’ll be on your mind
He’ll display his art, make you all unwind
Soon he’ll have you singing
With the radio
Cause you’ll hear his song everywhere you go

Yes, he’s a hit songwriter
And he sets a rocking pace
All the hearts get lighter
When he walks into the place

So when you buy that song
And turn it up real loud
You will make some friends, you’ll attract a crowd
They won’t ask who’s playing
Cause they all know his name
He sure is great
Although his songs all sound the same

Yes, he’s a hit songwriter
And though you’ve heard it all before
He’s a real hot tune igniter
And you’ll be coming back for more

HOLE IN THE OZONE

I just don’t know what’s the matter
This just ain’t my lucky week
For now my new car makes a clatter
And my plumbing’s sprung a leak
My body’s wearing out just like
Every other lousy thing I own
And I read in the news
There’s a hole in the ozone

I just found I’m unemployed now
Without a single week of severance pay
And the things I most enjoy now
Are all quickly going away
And my girlfriend left me a note
Saying, “Don’t bother to phone”
And on top of all that
There’s a hole in the ozone

There’s a hole in my socks
To match the one in the sky
All the scientific talks
Won’t fix the clouds or my tie
They say that there’s no harm in
All those clorofluorocarbons
But what the hey?
You gotta go
You gotta go someday

(Ooh, that sunburn hurts)

Now the doctors are on strike
And insurance is too high
Someone just ripped off my bike
And it’s too hot in July
I just got a nasty letter
Telling me how much my debts have grown
And to top it all off
There’s a hole in the ozone

And to top it all off
There’s a hole in the ozone
And there’s one big gaping hole
In the ozone

HOLLYWOOD REDNECK music by M. Levine

I was born a redneck but I don’t like thugs
And I never messed with no heavy drugs
‘Til a Hollywood party I was at in December
It was the strangest night I remember

They was smokin’ lots of grass and drinkin’ tons of beer
One group snorted coke while another acted queer
In the corner were some girls talkin’ sex and reds
And a guy on the floor I was sure
Was dead

Well, I never seen such crazy folk
But I didn’t touch what they all had to smoke
‘Til some pretty redhead said she’d make it with me
If I would just share some of her L.S.D.

Then we smoked a lot of grass and drank a ton of beer
We told a couple jokes and reviewed a couple years
In the corner were those girls talking sex and reds
And a guy on the floor that I swore
Was dead

Then I took off my boots, tie, hat,
Pants, coat and vest
Soon I was standing completely undressed
Everyone applauded, I felt like a fool
But my red neck washed off when I jumped in the pool
After that my memory gets a little dim
For I can’t recall ever learnin’ to swim
I know there’s a lesson that drugs are a sin
But if I had it to do over…
I’d do it all again

WE WAS
Smokin’ lots of grass and drinkin’ tons of beer
Someone had some coke and I helped it disappear
In the corner were those girls with the L.S.D.
And a guy on the floor that I swore
Was Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

HONEY NOT HERE

Every night, it’s the same old story
I try to make my love life a little less boring
But my wife is no adventuress
For when in a car I lift her dress
She cries, in surprise
With horror in her eyes

Honey, not here, not here, hot here
Someone might discover us
Someone might peek at my bust
Honey, not here, not here, not here
I’d die of the embarrassment
So please stop all this harassment

I’ve tried to find secluded places
So nobody will see all her denuded graces
But she always finds a new excuse
All my stirred up glands just get no use
She moans, she begs
But always with closed legs

Honey, not here, not here, not here
The ground is very lumpy
I’m feeling rather grumpy
Honey, not here, not here, not here
The birds and fish are watching
Please stop all this debauching

So we’re back home in our apartment
She’s got one last chance to give in and relent
And then I finally hear so loud and clear
She from the bedroom cries
“I’m ready, dear”
I go in with a grin
For so ling has it been
She cries in surprise
With horror in her eyes

Honey, not there, not there, not there
Where do you thing you’re going
I think the lawn needs mowing
Honey, not there, not there, not there
What do you think you’re doing?
You’re always misconscrewing!
Honey, not there, not there, not there…Ñ

HOT AND NASTY

I sing about cheap women while drinking cheaper wine
It stimulates the music, but makes it hard to rhyme
I know there’s nothing I can do that ain’t been done before
I know you’ll see my bedroom once you step inside my door

Cause I’m hot and nasty
I’ve got a one track mind
I’m hot and nasty
That’s just how I’m designed

There’s been a lot of action that has happened in my sheets
There’s even been a few that haven’t come from off the streets
I really like the groupies that come on to me real strong
If I remember a name I might use it in as song

If she’s hot and nasty
And lets me have my way
Hot and nasty
We’ll meet again someday

(Nasty type solo)

It take a lot of cigarettes to get my voice to sound like this
It take a lot of run on words to cover up it’s one noteness
But when I’m playing on the stage I sing of babes and bikes
I’m thinking of the after show and what us rock stars like

Just be hot and nasty
And be all mine
Hot and nasty
It’s wake up time
Hot and nasty
Give me what I need
Hot and nasty
Don’t even have to read
Hot and nasty
Yeah, yeah
……….

HOT DOG

When my life is going good I say….Hot dog!
When it’s getting boring I sleep like….a log
You may call me carefree
That’s because nothing scares me
When I want something to do I go….and jog

When good fortune comes along I say….Okay!
When I have bad luck I never feel….dismay
Take each day with whimsy
And life wont be so flimsy
When my Jewish friends hear this they’ll say….Oy vay!

Hot dog, hot dog
I sometimes think I’ve slipped a cog
Hot dog, hot dog
But I’m living high on the hog

When I want to vegetate I watch….T.V.
When I take a leak in France I say….”Oui, oui”
Let’s be frank, what do you think
Do I look like the missing link?
Say hot dog for it sounds better than…”Weenie”

Say hot dog
Say it loud

HOUSE OF CARDS M

You’ve got a very fine foundation
Built on a firm relationship
But you’re inches from frustration
If you feel you’ve made a tiny slip
I’ve told you you’re intelligent
You believe it for a while
But when you do just one dumb thing
You’re like a house of cards in a pile

You’ve got a lot of personal charm
Even though you make excuses
But you do yourself a lot of harm
From various self©abuses
You can be told that you’re as graceful as
A pelican flying in style
But if you trip and fall just once
You’re a house of cards in a pile

You get so hung up on people’s opinions
And forget the things you’ve been taught
You fall apart at a little rejection
And tie yourself in a knot
You don’t need a major overhaul
You’re playing a fine tune
Just don’t stop before you’ve even started
The time is now and not “soon”

You’ve got the chops that really beat the band
It’s widely known you’ve got the stuff
But you let your fears get out of hand
When you think you’re not good enough
You can be told that you are beautiful
A couple thousand times or more
But if someone says you look real down
You’re like a house of cards on the floor

HYMN FOR HIM T20

I’ve sat in church and sang these songs
Over a thousand times
Praying for You to come along
And give me a few new lines

All of these hymns have the same chords
The words are a boring mate
Sometimes I wish the organist
Would get down and modulate

God, Lord, Jesus, I can’t comprehend
How you listen to this every day
Over and over, it never ends
And in 5/8 they don’t play

So the next time we meet in church, my Lord
And sweet harmonies we sing
You’ll hear someone hit a dischord
Just to make it more interesting

I CAN’T GO THERE NOW

I went into a coffee house with my girlfriend last year
She met another man in there and now she calls him “Dear”
So when I go there I pass on by
I can’t go in, won’t even try
I can’t resist the urge to cry so I can’t go there now

I got another girlfriend with a temperament like me
We got into a lot of fights, some of them publicly
There’s a couple places where
They remember us when we were there
They saved a piece of broken chair but I can’t go there now

There’s a lot of places where the things I did weren’t nice
There’s a lot of faces that look at me like bad advice

I must have said some careless things to my boss at the plant
I told him what I thought of him and I was on a rant
He said I should get a grip
And then I think a bird did flip
He handed me a small pink slip and I can’t go there now

There’s a lot of places where the things I did weren’t nice
There’s a lot of faces that look at me like bad advice
So like a dog I get my nose rubbed in it
Have to watch what I say every minute
Seems like peoples’ memories are infinite

Now I’m looking for some peace in my own mountain pad
But since I live here by myself I think I might go mad
I am such a basket case
I wish sometimes I’d shut my face
I’d like to put me in my place but I can’t go there now

No I can’t go there now, No I can’t go there now

I DON’T TELL HER

I see her at the kitchen table
Sorting her stuff
I tell her nice things when I’m able
But I know it’s not often enough

As she picks out another trinket
I think how glad I am that she’s here
But she doesn’t know that I think it
Cause it rarely travels from my head to her ear

I don’t tell her
I just walk in and say hello
I don’t tell her
Cause I feel she ought to know
She’s my woman; there’s no doubt
She’s the woman that I just can’t live without

She calls me up when I’m away
Says that she’s missing me
I can’t wait until the next time we play
But I always say it jokingly

I hear the door slide in its track
And the good thoughts fill my head
I should say, “I’m glad that you’re back”
But somehow other words get said

I don’t tell her
I just gripe about my day
I don’t tell her
What I really ought to say
She’s my woman; there’s no doubt
She’s the woman that I just can’t live without

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH T20

I love you so much
I love you so much
You have a really nice car
I knew it was love
I knew it was love
When we first met at the bar
I never thought that I would fall for
A purple Porsche Carrera
A Rolls is more my style
But hey, your car’s okay

I love you so much
I love you so much
You have a lot of nice clothes
Your face looked real nice
After I looked twice
It has two eyes and a nose
I always thought looks are revealing
I’m a bleached blonde like you
I wanted something in suede
But hey, you dress okay

I love you so much
I love you so much
You have a house with a yard
I love the bedrooms
I love Encino (Los Gatos, any other city)
South of the boulevard
I always thought I’d live in a castle
With a real charming guy(gal)
I wanted wall to wall rugs
But hey, your floor’s parquet

I WISH I HAD A VOICE

Oh, how I wish I had a voice
That could sing any note
But I never had as choice
I was not allowed to vote
Yes, it’s not a pretty noise
That comes from my throat
Oh, how I wish I had a voice
That could sing any note

Oh, how I wish I had a face
That a mother could adore
I am not possessed of grace
Couldn’t find it in the store
I never seem to know my place
Always looking for the door
Oh, how I wish I had a face
That my mother could adore

I only have a range of a kazoo
But no one wants to sing these things for me
It’s hard to sell yourself as an artist
When your sound just suggests comedy

Oh how I wish I had the bread
That could buy anything
I wouldn’t need a pretty head
And I wouldn’t need to sing
I could hire real singers instead
Maybe own the publishing
Oh, how I wish that I had the bread
That could buy anything

Then I wouldn’t have to sing

I’LL SAVE YOU A SEAT BY THE FIRE

When this big old life is all over
When we’ve satisfied every desire
Since we weren’t discreet
In hell we will meet
And I’ll save you a seat by the fire

We sure did some mighty big sinning
We sunk pretty deep in the mire
We acted unkind
Our love was so blind
Now we’ll toast our behinds by the fire

[CHORUS]
I’ll save you a seat
Real close to the heat
Too late for cold feet today
How could be both know
That we’d sink this low
Now we’re just glowing away

We never questioned our actions
I guess it’s too late to inquire
So when we go there
It’s Hades we’ll share
I’ll save you a chair by the fire

Yes, I’ll save you a seat by the fire
And I’ll save you a seat by the fire

I’M IN LOVE T20

Well, I’ve seen everything that I’ve wanted to see
I’ve been everyplace that looks good to me
I’ve done everything that I thought I could do
But I’ve never been loved by a woman like you

(He’s in love!)
And I just can’t believe it’s all true!
And I never would leave one like you-oo-oo
I’m in love!

Well I’ve heard all the talk that I already know
All the straights and the hippies with nothing to show
I’d felt mostly nothing ‘cept for envy and spite
But now that’s changed since I met you last night

(He’s in love!)
And I just can’t believe it’s all true!
And I never would leave one like you-oo-oo
I’m in love!

Ooh-wah-wah ooh!

Well, you told me today you didn’t love me no more
I’m a heartbroken man, now that I know the score
I’ll go home tonight and I’ll inform my wife
And she’ll kick me in the pants like she’s done all my life

(He’s in love!)
And I’ll have to pretend I was good
That I took her right home like I shou-ou-oud
I’m in love!

I’M PRETENTIOUS

Oh, I’m a great rock singer
Played every dive in town
I talked this band into playing for me
With little money down

I told them all about videos
That we’d be making soon
And when I mentioned my manager
They were learning my songs by the following noon

And the next thing wee knew/We were playing the clubs
We were making some tapes/Even used overdubs
And the audience came/And they gave us a hand
But unfortunately/They were friends of the band
And the fans all agreed/That the band was okay
But you can’t understand /What the guy has to say

But what do I care ?
I’m pretentious

The guys are asking for money
Out of what we took in
I told them I’d pay them right after I sell
My bridge in Brooklyn

But finally they insisted
I bring my agent over
They didn’t seem to understand
That he was my dog, Rover

And the next thing I knew/I was looking at floor
I was high in the air/As I went through the door
I said “What about fame?”/”You’ll be sorry for this”
As they stood above me/And they all took a piss
But I didn’t mind/For this is L.A.
And a con man like me/Will find other suckers to play

Cause I don’t care
I’m pretentious

I’M SO HAPPY

You think that sometimes it’s not worth it
And sometimes it’s the blues
Oftener than not you’ll find
In people like you
In due time you will see
The softening of all your woes
And you’ll be just like me

I’m so happy it’s not over
Yes, so happy it’s so clear
I’m so happy that it’s happened
I’m so glad that we’re all here

SOLO OF THE VERSE

Verse2
So when you feel down and under
And you fell so depressed
Look at life like us and see
That this life is the best
If you do what we ask you
And set your feelings free
Listen to the voice of joy
And sing along with me

I’m so happy that I’m living
I’m so happy I’ve arrived
And with you to share it with me
I’m so glad to be alive

I’m so happy it’s not over
Yes, so happy it’s so clear
Ridiculously happy that it’s happened
I’m so glad that we’re all here

Slower, and out

I’M LEAVING YOU FOREVER

I loved you more than them
I wanted you to be mine
I thought you were a gem
I though your love was de-vine
But there was competition
Causing me such pain and sorrow
So I’m leaving you forever
I’ll call you tomorrow

We’re more than bosom pals
But I’m walking out that doorway
You’re the best of all the gals
But I’ll go mine and you go your way
It just ain’t in the cards
Either poker deck or Tarot
So I’m leaving you forever
I’ll call you tomorrow

I’ll never speak to you again
So let’s have coffee, it’s a date
Go away, leave me alone
Turn the light out, Dear, it’s late

solo, (as in the end of a relationship)

I’ll never see your face again
I got tired of the tease
Oh, we’re going for a walk?
Let me get my coat and keys

I’ve given you my all
But it just wasn’t enough
An affair destined to stall
I didn’t have the “Right Stuff”
So head off to your life
There’s no more time for us to borrow
So I’m leaving you forever
I’ll call you tomorrow

IDOLS

I saw her at a country faire
She was making love with no one there
She was a mystery
And then I saw beside her chair
A painted portrait tall and square
A face right out of history

She was making love to Lincoln
And it really changed my thinkin’
To see her making love to Lincoln
And I know I’ll never meet her
Cause I can’t compete with the idol she adores
And I’ve seen that lonely face
That lonely face before

And then I met a gorgeous blond
Of whom I could grow very fond
She was saving something good
I finally saw her bedroom walls
With the pictures and the books and all
Then I think I understood

She was in love with David Carradine
It was the strangest thing I ever seen
She was saving it for Carradine
And I know I’ll never meet her
Cause I can’t compete with that Kung Fu she adores
And I’ve seen that lonely face
That lonely face before

The girls of me are now in doubt
They don’t (by me) get taken out
I tell them that my heart’s not free
They ask me who it is, I show them
Though my love is only pro tem
It’s enough for me

Cause I’m in love with Joni Mitchell
And no others can compare
With the likes of Joni Mitchell
And I know I’ll never meet her
Cause I can’t compete with the others that she prefers
But I’ll save my lonely place
My lonely space
My one and only face for her

IF I SAID

If I said I love your mind
Would it be so hard to find
It in your heart to listen honestly?
If I said I love your eyes
Would you look back in surprise?
Or would you take my words seriously?
You don’t take praise very well
You’re the epitome of the hard sell
But if I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?

If I told you that you’re cute
Would you stand there deaf and mute?
Or can you take a compliment that’s offered free?
If I said I like your hair
Would you blankly stop and stare?
And think I must be making comedy?
You don’t seem to realize
That I’m calling you a lovely prize
And if I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?

It’s a fact
You’re quite attractive
The only one who thinks you’re not is you
Once again
I will explain it
All the nicer things that people say are true

Solo

And if I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?

IF IT AIN’T BROKE

Every song I write represents a broken dream
It’s a way of dealing with the pain
It sits on the shelf with the rest of the team
Try to clear that space from my brain

Every pick I break represents a song I’ve played
Though there’s not many people ‘round to hear
Little bits of plastic and the skin I’ve flayed
Try to keep an open mind and open ear

They say if it ain’t broke don’t try to fix it
I guess that’s why I always work repair
With my rear a-draggin’ ..someone kicks it
And I get another song to share

Every gal I’ve loved represents a broken heart
And another painful lesson learned
It’s a good thing I have my music and my art
It’s a salve to fingers that get burned

Every string I break I get out the pliers
And I also use that tape and glue
When I open my heart…in come the fires
And I’m walking in glass without a shoe

If it ain’t broke….don’t try to fix it

INSOMNIA

I can hear the faucet leaking
I can hear the neighbors’ dogs
I think my bio©rhythm’s peaking
When I should be sawing logs
I can smell the dishes in the sink
I think I left the laundry in a heap

What do I have to do to get some sleep?
I must have counted fifty thousand sheep

Yes, I think I’m going crazy
Here I lie awake in bed
My vision’s getting hazy
From the novels I have read
The Nytol at eight©thirty didn’t help me a bit
There were lots of murders on the ten o’clock news

What do I have to do to take a snooze?
I must have counted sixty thousand ewes

I wonder what the record is for going without sleep?
I think that Mr. Guinness I should call
I’ll take a long vacation and use it for hibernation
If ever into slumber I could fall

My eyes are still wide open
When they should be closed and tight
I was sorta kinda hopin’
That I would feel different tonight
Oh, but I worry ’bout my diet
And a couple hundred insecurities
What do I have to do to get some sleep?

I must have counted ninety thousand sheep
What do I have to do to catch some “Z”s?
I must have paid a hundred doctors’ fees
I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded on my bended knees
Maybe I’ve contracted some new disease
The song in my head sounds just like a jingle tease…

INTO THE RED

I remember in your younger years
You used to play by the rules
But the older that you got
The more you decided we were fools
And now you take a lot more chances
“Life is short” you said
Now at every intersection
You push it into the red

And when it came to making money
You used to play it fair
Now you use every scam or ruse
That other people wouldn’t even dare
The same with taxtime dances
Each loophole finds your thread
But someday someone will know
That you pushed it into the red

What’s going on inside that head
You beat yourself to death even though you’re not dead
If you picked on someone you own size
You might in for a big surprise
You’ve had a run of luck in the old shell game
But someday you’ll be stuck
And you’ll have yourself to blame

It’s the same with every partner
As you burn out mate after mate
You draw the line, then step over
And say they just can’t seem to relate
So now you don’t have romances
Love is something that has fled
Where there’s a heart that lies bleeding
You pushed it into the red

And it’s in the heart that you’re needing
But you push it into the red

IT ALWAYS HURTS TO LOVE YOU

Every time I try to talk to you
I wind up black and blue in the face
Every time I try to walk with you
I wind up with my leg in a brace
I know life is a little risky
And with you I’m never bored
But if it wasn’t for the whisky
They wouldn’t know my name
At the emergency ward

It always hurts to love you
But I can’t live without you
My Mom says you’re more trouble than you’re worth
But I know that I can’t leave you
That’s why I’m back for more
You’re like salt in my wounds
But your the salt of the earth

Whenever we go out somewhere
I’m the party’s main attraction
It’s nice to know that people care
It’s fun to see their reaction
They’re always glad to see me
They always shake my cast
They’re always making bets on me
They wonder how long I will last

Yes, it always hurts to love you
But I’ll never live without you
My bones may break but not my wedding vow
And I know that I can’t leave you
Although you make me sore
You don’t keep me in riches
But you keep me in stitches
And I keep healing up somehow

Yes, it always hurts to love you
(ouch)

Repeat

IT’S GETTING HARD

I’ve been happily married
For goin’ on twenty years
My house is almost paid for
And I don’t drink no more beers
My truck runs great, my dog feels fine
There’s only one thing wrong
It’s getting hard to write a country song

I just don’t hate my job
Ain’t never been in jail
When I take on somethin’ new
I succeed more than I fail
I’m aging pretty well
And I’m feeling pretty strong
Except when trying to write a country song

I don’t wallow in the mire
I don’t look for misery
Keep my hands out of the fire
And the Man’s not after me
My kids are doing well
My friends are tried and true
I got no horror stories to lay on you

It’s getting’ harder to complain
Cause my life is just too good
There’s no pressure on my brain
If I had a gripe, I would
It’s getting harder to blow up
At every little stupid thing
That’s why I have no country songs to sing

IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

It’s your birthday
We’re gathered here
To honor you and the things you’ve done
It’s your birthday
Here’s wishing you
A lot of luck in the yars to come

IT’S GOOD FOR YOU

I’m walking on a hike
I’m working up a sweat
There’s a blister on my foot
And we ain’t three miles yet
I tell my girl I’m aching
And that my ankle’s turning blue
And she says Of course it hurts, It’s good for you”

“It’s good for you so just grin and bear it
If it makes a scar, just proudly wear it
Don’t complain about it
It’s the price you pay for fit
So just remember, you can suffer through”

I’m dining natural
Organic fresh today
It’s verified and certified
No chemicals or spray
I ask her “Where’s the flavor?”
“I think I taste the poo”
She says “Of course it tastes like crap it’s good for you”

“It’s good for you so just grin and bear it
You’re not getting up until you eat that carrot
Don’t complain about it
It’s the price you pay for fit
So just remember, I’m eating it too”

Now we’re solaring our home
Carbon footprint to reduce
Those installers don’t come cheap
And those panels are a golden goose
I figure we’ll break even
By 2032
She says “It should cost a mint, It’s good for you”

“It’s good for you so just grin and bear it
It’s just one planet and we have to share it
Don’t complain about it
It’s the price you pay for fit
So just remember, we want our skies blue……

JACKPOT

I wanted a woman to love me
Wanted a woman that cared
Liked her to be pretty and heathy and fit
“Does she really exist?” I declared

I sent my prayers to the stars
Cast my wishes to fate
And though I don’t gamble
My luck ain’t that great
When I met you I hit the jackpot

I wanted a gal to share all
Wanted love that would endure
I longed for intelligent, sexy with wit
Was I asking too much? I was sure

Sent my request to the Gods
My wishes into the wind
Something in the universe
Finally gave in
Cause when I met you I hit the jackpot

I rolled a big seven
Got dealt a straight flush
Three cherries all in a row
Someone dropped you from heaven
My heart turned to mush
Now I’ll only play in your Casino

Life took a fortunate turn
Hit on the red in roulette
Though I was doubtful
When I placed my bet
When I met you I hit the jackpot

JOHN LENNON

John Lennon
You wrote the songs that made
All of us learn how to play
And it seems so long
Now that you’re gone
But we’ll carry a piece of you
Deep in our hearts every day

John Lennon
You were the working class hero
For all of the world
You showed us your pain
Never a game
So many lives changed by the way that
You gave us your soul

Nothing is forever
Even the best of us die
You made us all come together
And now you’re been killed
Tell me why

John Lennon
Is God mad at you cause you
Told us the truth long ago?
It seems so unfair
We were so unaware
We’ll remember the things
That you told us you want us to know

Like
Love, love love
Love, love love

JOSE THE WETBACK

My name is Jose and I live in L.A.
I work at a Two Guys From Italy
I send all my dollars to Guadalahara
To try to smuggle my wife to me

I got a good job with a boss that’s a slob
And he know my green card is fake
But I get minimum wage and overtime
And I take home the spaghetti I make

Yes they call me Jose the wetback
I tell them I’m trying to get back
To Juanita and my six boys
But I can’t stand all the noise
So I live in the USA
And I hope that they let me stay

I got a place in Van Nuys
My Chicano friends say it’s “van nuys”
And I cruise the boulevard
With my Chevyn pick-up with the mud guard

And I got a girlfriend named Lisa
She a cute Blonde who give me Visa
And she help me with bail
That time that I go to Jail
Cause I smuggle marijuana in a pizza

Yes they call me Jose the Wetback
They try to deport me but I come back
And now I got seven kids
Deport me again I get ten kids
So I live in the USA
And I hope that they let me stay

JUST BE FRIENDS

I think I should be getting home sometime tonight
I think you’ve kept me out way too long
I know you want to have me and you think I might
But baby, I think you have it wrong

It seems when I go out it always comes to this
It seems I always say it too late
I like you and I think you’re really fun to kiss
But you and I both know it’s our first date

I guess I’m just old©fashioned
I don’t know how to show you
I can’t get into passion
Until I get to know you
A little better

I know you’d like to see me in some sexy pose
I know you want me sleeping in your bed
Other guys can do it, I’m not one of those
I wish you’d get it through your pretty head

I’ve told the girls I don’t sleep with just anyone
I’ve got morals that my Daddy taught me well
But I’d really like to see you, you’re a lot of fun
Oh, please don’t leave and please don’t kiss and tell

I just don’t feel excited
I don’t know what to do
I would be so delighted
If I could just be friends
With you

(Stop it! Don’t touch me there! I’m not that kind of guy….That’s it ..Now you can take me home.)

JUST TALKED TO MY EX

I love you because we think alike
And I love you cause you’re loyal
You smile when I make a joke
And you’re my favorite foil
You’re a wonderful example of the fairer sex
And today I love you more
Cause I just talked to my ex

I love your face when I come home
You’re always glad to see me
It’s great that you are on my side
I’m much more proud to be me
I know some people think
That we’re not playing with full decks
But today I love you more
Cause I just talked to my ex

We like to talk a lot but don’t need to
A wink is a good as a nod
We’re similar in taste and style
Like two peas in a pod

I love you even when we fight
I love you when you’re weird
Someone has to love you right
And I’m glad I volunteered
You make this life make some sense
In a world that’s so complex
And today I love you more
Cause I just talked to my ex

JUST THE WAY I PRAY

I may not go to church too often
I may not go to confession
But I have my little ways of worship
My own little private obsession
When I’m holding up a liquor store
And I make a clean getaway
I thank the Lord for the stolen car
It’s just the way I pray

And when I’m spending all the loot
On a little gal I know
I call His name a couple dozen times
My appreciation I show
He helps me when I’m shooting craps
And making my big play
I look towards heaven when I’m rolling a seven
It’s just the way I pray

I’m always on my bended knees
At a party with free beer
I’m askin’ Him for help to
Make my headache disappear
I thank Him for the little plants
That grow by my back fence
I smoke ’em and my feelings for Him
Just get more intense

I’m always yelling “Jesus Christ!”
When I get in a fight
It helps my concentration
Since I’m usually high as a kite
I always use the Fathers’ name
When I get mad and curse
I figure that the next life
Can’t be that much worse

And now I’m calling to you, Lord
In here it’s just me and You
They don’t let me have a cellmate
They’re afraid of what I might do
I know that if I’m faithful
They might let me out someday
But till then I’m still your servant
It’s just the way I pray
Oh yes, it’s just the way I pray

JUST TWO

She’ the E to my A
She’s the everything that gets me through the day
She’s the treble to my bass
Only she knows the tasks I face

She’s the melody to my chords
She shields me from all attacking swords
She’s the fife to my strum
And she marches with me to that different drum

My-y-y-y Dear
You make muddy waters clear
I love you
In our lives and in this song there’s only two

She’s the A to my E
She understands the puzzle that is me
She’s the star for my stage
She’s the one I put the pen to on the page

She’s the note that I hold
She’s the one with whom I’ll get old
She’s the pin to my ATM
When I grow a little flower, she’s the stem

She’s the answer to my quiz
Helps me understand what this life is
She’s the light to my dark
She’s the muzzle when I bark

My-y-y-y- Dear
I will always have you near
I still love you
In this song and in our lives there’s only two
My Dear
You’re the one who lets me steer
I love you indeed
Sometimes two is all you need

KEEP THE CANS FROM THE HANDS

See them with the shopping carts
Patrolling alleys and shopping marts
See them trading tin for wine
All the people who live on the line

See them sleeping in the ruts
See them smoking someone’s butts
See them sifting through your trash
Seeking to convert it all to cash

So gain your foothold from their defeat
And don’t try to duck your bills
Keep the checkbook of you deeds in balanced sums
And keep yourself elastic when auditioning for bands
And keep the cans from the hands of the bums

The middle class receives the shaft
They bite the bullet fore and aft
The also pay the greatest tax
We’re supporting both the min and max

The rich value the metal gold
While the poor seek aluminum
You can’t hurt the rich but you can
Keep those cans from the hands of the bums

So keep the dust of your disease
From you picture of good health
Keep out from under governmental thumbs
And keep the wages of your sins
Invested in high interest plans
And keep the cans from the hands of the bums
Keep the cans from the hands of the bums
Keep the cans from the hands of the bums

L.A. RIVER

I was a big successful agent
I had a big office downtown
I met a girl by the name of ******
And it was her that dragged me right down

I’m livin’ here in the L.A. River
I lost my job, I lost my wife
It smells like beer in the L.A. River
This is my home for the rest of my life

I quickly hit the big rock bottom
I lost real big when I lost that bet
I can’t believe how fast I’ve fallen
And I haven’t quite gotten up yet

I’m livin’ here in the L.A. River
I live in a box that’s labeled “Sears”
It smells like whiz in the L.A. River
This is my home for the rest of my years

Old Harold died down by the water
Looked 106 at 22
We lit a match to his old body
It burned the whole week through

I’m livin’ here in the L.A. River
I changed my mind, I changed my ways
It smells like me in the L.A. River
This is my home for the rest of my days

So if you’re not too very happy
Just think of me and where I dwell
For this is really where life is crappy
Yes this is livin’ right here in hell

But I’m still here by the L.A. River
I lost my pride, I lost my heart
It’s muddy here in the L.A. River
That’s why I can’t find my shopping cart

*Any two-syllable name

LABORATORY WIDOW lyrics mostly Justine Green

I’d finally met the man for me I thought
Handsome and so charismatic
A man of science, chemistry he taught
But I never knew he was a chemistry fanatic
Soon the truth became quite clear to me
I never knew how strange a man could be…

This has gone too far
What’s the wife of a chemist to do?

Xenonhexafluoroplatinate
Oh, what a name for a child
I wanted to name the baby “Kate”
But he wanted something a little wild
I’ve managed ’til now
Though he named our three sons
Benzine, Argon, and Copper II
This has gone too far
What’s the wife of a chemist to do?

All day with filtration and centrifugation
Distilling and filling and washing glassware
One more condensation and then the titration
Resolutions of solutions, it’s too much to bear
Electrophoresis and diakinesis
Ethers and esters and quantum mechanics
Benzylic, allelic, it never ceases
I can’t take anymore of his chemical antics
And I need some acetylsalicylic acid…
…I mean, aspirin

I hate to say my husband has no feelings
Or that he has no taste in art
But molecular models are hanging all over my ceiling
And our wallpaper is the periodic chart
Then it happened last Sunday night
When he served our dinner guests
Hor d’oeuvres from a watch glass
Coffee from a filter flask
And our kids were from a test tube
This has gone too far
What’s the wife of a chemist to do?
What’s the wife of a chemist to do?
What’s the wife of a chemist to dooooooooooooooooooo?

LADY OF THE EVENING

Last night, I saw you back on the streets
Standing by the lamppost there
Looking for men to be indiscreet
I know the feeling’s not your care
Why did you return to it?
I thought you’d left the trade
Seems a force of habit
Maybe you should have stayed

Once again, a lady of the evening
It’s hard to kick the vices of your past
The wretched life you led is calling you again
You haven’t changed your prices
Or your point of view

Why did you go back to sell your soul?
I thought I had paid reservations
You told me you had quit that role
Now these midnight relations
I guess you showed me how
An old dog can turn new tricks
How could you break our vow?
Betrayal is too hard to fix

Once again, a lady of the evening
I should have known your virtue wouldn’t last
That sordid life you led is calling you again
It seems a lot to give up
But many do
Yes, many do

LAST SUPPER

I’ll stay with you this evening
Like so many times before
I’ll love you like I used to do
I’ve shared all of my feelings
Now I’ll share a couple more
For in the morning I’ll be leaving you

I’ll make this final dinner
I know you’re always famished
I’ll give you my best recipe
For tomorrow it’s all over
I will have up and vanished
And I don’t want you to think less of me

I want you to believe me when I say
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done
But I still love you
So one more night I’ll stay
I’ll be leaving in the morning sun

So remember this last supper
When you’re thinking of me
I know how much you like beef stew
And I’ll remember you
As the best who ever loved me
But in the morning I’ll be leaving you

LATE AGAIN

I’ve really got to hurry
I’m preparing for a date
I don’t know why I always worry
For I’m always rather late

I don’t know where the time went
I can’t seem to get in tune
And though I’m quite intelligent
I still think one o’clock is noon

I’m late again
Tell me nine o’clock
And I’ll be there at half past ten
I’m late again
Maybe someday I’ll be on time
Maybe someday I’ll toe the line
But I don’t know when
I just couldn’t tell you when

I’m going to a party
Where I know my friends will be
And since they know that I’ll be tardy
They’re all making bets on me

I hate to keep them waiting
But I couldn’t find my shoe
I hope that when the reaper comes for me
I’ll keep him waiting too

I’m late again
Whenever I walk in a door
I hear ” Where have you been?”
I’m late again
Maybe someday I’ll be on time
Maybe someday I’ll toe the line
But I don’t know when
I just couldn’t tell you when

LEAVING THE BAD TIMES BEHIND 2017 rewrite

Seems like all the gals that have passed through my door
Have managed to inspire quite a few songs
Sometimes that old muse I just can’t quite ignore
Helps me to address one or two wrongs

Friends and lovers told me many things I should learn
Often the best way is to show me
Then there are the ones where the bridge I did burn
Those are the ones that couldn’t know me

I’ve had a past of push and shove in the marketplace of love
I felt that I was shopping in the wrong store
Now I’m just living on my own
Making peace with the alone
Though it wasn’t what I longed for

And it feels like a great weight has left my mind
Living life and trying to be more kind
And each new day, I’m gonna jump into the fray
And I’m leaving the bad times behind

solo

Now and then I wonder what the future will hold
I tell myself that nothing is forever
Then I realize I’ve got to let it unfold
And make the most of every endeavor

I’ve had my heart smashed into pieces
But it just my strength increases
I have some regrets but nothing deadly
I don’t intend to rest on laurels
Try to push on without quarrels
And enjoy the music and the medley

And it feels like a great quarry has been mined
There might still be nuggets left to find
And each new day, I’m gonna jam and sing and play
And I’m leaving the bad times behind

LEAVING THE BAD TIMES BEHIND 1983 Version

Seems like all the men that have passed though my door
Have never given me the things that you do
Sometimes in the past I’ve wondered what it’s all for
I felt that love was some kind of voodoo

Friends of mine had told me that in time I would know
I told them it would never happen to me
Then you came and showed me how two people can grow
And I realized I never knew me

I’ve had a past of push and shove
In the marketplace of love
I felt that I was shopping in the wrong store
Now you have come into my life
And I’m proud to be your wife
This is something that I’ve always longed for

And it feels like for the first time I’m not blind
Living isn’t just a daily grind
And I’m so glad
I’ve given up the life I had
(It wasn’t worth it)
And I’m leaving the bad times behind

Now and then I wonder what the future will hold
I tel myself that nothing is forever
Then I realize I’ve got to let it unfold
And make the most of every endeavor

I had a blast but it’s behind me
Someone came to reassign me
And I don’t regret a single minute
I don’t pretend we have no trouble
But no one will burst our bubble
Hard for you to see if you’re not in it

And it feels like for the first time I’m not blind
Living isn’t just a daily grind
And I’m so glad
I’ve given up the life I had
( It wasn’t worth it to me)
And I’m leaving the bad times behind
And I’m leaving the bad times behind
And I’m leaving the bad times behind

LEFT HANDED AUTOGRAPH T20 L

How do I know what’s wrong or what’s right
I’ve always had twenty-twenty hindsight
Wish I could correct all my biggest mistakes
But I only learn them when it’s too late
I’m damned it I do or don’t
You say you will you won’t
You left me and left your left-handed autograph
On my heart

Who understands the strange ways of lovers
You get too close and they run for cover
Wish I could go back and do it all again
Try to find the time when I knew you were my friend
Treated you like dirt but I
Didn’t mean to hurt you
You left me and left your left-handed autograph
On my heart

It’s a tough business doing pleasure
Try not to crack under the pressure

What do you get when you’ve given all you got
Such a disappointment when it isn’t all you’ve sought
Now and then you cry a little even when you’ve joking
Got to try to be a little less outspoken
I call and you’re not home
Why do you have a telephone
You left me and left your left-handed autograph
On my heart

LEGACY

The Bible says we’ll someday go to heaven
As most religions feel that we’ll go on
I hope that it’s all true
But there’s one thing I don’t wish to view
The place of our birth
And realize what we did to the earth
And realize what we did to the earth

Our children will be stuck with what we leave them
Descendants trying to fix the holes we made
We now know that it’s true
But what’s a dad supposed to do
For his boy or his girl
But give them what we left of the world
But give them the mess we made of the world

We were in such a hurry
We had a lot of nerve
We didn’t want the worry
We just weren’t in the mood to conserve

So when you see the next world, don’t look back
You’ll feel much too ashamed of what we’ve done
Our planet was so blue
Now it’s quite a different hue
You’ll cry and you’ll moan
For the children you’ve left suffering back home
For the children we’ve left suffering back home

LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE

Don’t look now, my love
But someone is watching over you
You can’t see him now
But he only cares about you

You can’t hear his words
But somehow you know what he’s saying
You can block out his advice
But you can’t go on disobeying

Like the distant sound of crickets
Or the guilt you’ve tried to hide
Trying to remind you
Let your conscience be your guide

All the things you do
All the wrongs that you’ve willfully done
All come back at you
There’s a justice from which you can’t run

Call it what you want
Luck or Karma or God or just Fate
If you don’t believe now
You’re certain to grasp it too late

Like the distant sound of crickets
Or a nagging voice inside
Trying to remind you
Let your conscience be your guide

LISTEN TO YOU

“There’s nothing in this world more useless than a fat, ugly woman”
That’s what my father used to say to me
“We should gather up the queers and give them San Francisco”
That was his take on homosexuality

Pop, you said I never listened to you
You used to tell me that every day or two
You’re told as children things that aren’t always true
Today I’m very glad don’t have to listen to you

“Foreigners are great because they do the jobs that no one else wants”
That’s what Dad would say when he was an a roll
“And blacks are good at sports cause that’s what we bred them for”
A view shared by his friends, no one of whom had soul

Pop, I’m glad I never listened to you
I grew up with a brain that could think things through
You’re told as children things that aren’t always true
Today I’m very glad I don’t have to listen to you

“There’s nothing in this world more offensive than rock and roll music”
That’s what I heard in the 60s of my youth
I told old Dad I know of one thing more distasteful
A stupid bigot trying to impose his brand of truth

Pop, you said I never listened to you
Otherwise I never would have married a Jew
You’re told as children things that aren’t always true
Today I’m very glad I don’t have to listen to you

LITTLE BOOKSTORE

How sadly I recall the day they took the wrecking ball
To the building where I learned about life’s truth
I stayed in there for hours, viewing varied Venus flowers
The little porno bookstore of my youth

Yes, life was much more sweet when I wandered down that street
And went in and sat in my favorite booth
I still have fond affections for the multiple selections
The little porno bookstore of my youth

And now it’s been torn down since Jerry Falwell came to town
The mayor joined him in his moral cause
Though it didn’t sit too well with a certain clientele
For now a Starbucks stands where our store was

Oh how I cried that day when they took the books away
I said goodbye to Betty, Maude & Ruth
And though my ways are set, I signed on the Internet

But it’s just not the same
Never felt any shame
Cause they never knew my name
At the little porno bookstore of my youth

LITTLE DANNY DUNCAN

Little Danny Duncan was born today
Jumped onto the gut and began to play
Danced with the doctor as he cut a chord
Another little human that we can’t afford

He sang wah©wah©wah©wah
A baby beat with a smile so sweet
He sang wah-wah-wah-wah
His hairless head asking to be fed

Little Danny Duncan came home that week
Saw his daddy Rick and shouted “What a geek!”
Turned to Mom and said “Say, is he for real?”
“Let me just explain to you the way I feel”

He said wah-wah-wah-wah
A four/four scream with a rhyming scheme
He said wah-wah-wah-wah
So Dad jumped in with his mandolin

Little Danny Duncan met his relatives
Looked at Mom and said “Hey, what gives?
I opened up my peepers and thought Dad was bad.
Now I see this bunch, I gotta say EGAD!”

And also wah-wah-wah-wah
Momma Lynne, can I crawl back in? wah-wah-wah-wah
It’s plain to see, this ain’t the place for me
I’m so little, I’m so puny
I’m gonma drive Mom and Dad cra-a-zy

LITTLE RITUALS with Leslie Karst

The man in the limousine
Studs in his collar
Completely respectable
A gentleman and a scholar
But he’s got a secret
Locked up inside
And no one will know the truth
About the things he has to hide

He’s going home to observe his little rituals
Sitting in his bedroom ©© little rituals
He’s locking the door ©© little rituals
Hides it in his briefcase
Spread it out on the floor ©© little rituals

The people that live next door
Typical humanities
So many different styles
Variety of insanities
Mr. Clark in household goods
His wife in lingerie
Both are model citizens
‘Til the end of the day

When they head on home to observe their little rituals
Sitting in their bedroom….. little rituals
They’re locking the door…..little rituals
Hide it in the closet
Spread it out on the floor

It’s lurking in everyone
You always find it there
If you could scratch the surface
You probably wouldn’t dare
You don’t want to meet it
The evilness of mind
No matter how you hide it
It will always find
(Out about your life)

It’s coming out to observe your little rituals
Sitting in your bedroom …. little rituals
It’s knocking on the door…. little rituals
Hiding in your braincase
It’s hard to ignore

Little rituals

LOST YOUR LUST

You don’t seem to want me like ya used’ ta
Ya always got your nose in a Simon and Shustah
I’m startin’ to think that our love life is a bust
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?

Is it cause I’m gettin’ fat or because I’m ugly
Usedta be a time when you called me snuggly
Your Playboys in the cornah are gatherin’ the dust
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?

Have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?

I am really quite perplexed
For you once were oversexed
And you usetah hollar “NEXT!”
When you were through
I know you’re not turning gay
And I’ve never seen you pray
I just don’t know what to say oe what to do!

I’ve tried scanty clothes and heels while I’m strippin’
You say I’m in the way of your channel flippin’
I don’t need your love, I don’t need your trust
But I wish you hadn’t lost your lust…..

Have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Have you lost your lust?
Whatsamattah, have you lost your lust?

LOU QUEST, THE RUDIST NUDIST

We all love Camp Natural
We’re here for games and sun
We’re civilized and mannered
And we like most everyone
But one guest who’s a regular
Is ruining our fun
It’s Lou Quest, the rudest nudist

When we’re out playing volleyball
Or swimming in the pool
Old Lou attracts attention
To the women it’s not cool
While we keep our guns bolstered
He’s ready for a duel
It’s Lou Quest, the rudest nudist

Though no one here is modest and it’s no place for a prude
There are some simple rules for people living in the nude
Only muscles should be stiff and only fingers point
And the only people who erect
Should be the builders of this joint

(He’s making it hard)

We all love the atmosphere
We’d live here if we could
It’s very warm and friendly
The camaraderie is good
But one thing we don’t need
Is this bonehead sporting wood
He’s Lou Quest, the rudest nudist

The counselor has lectured him
The rules must stand for all
But still we must avert our eyes
When passing in the hall
And when we sing to our camp flag
it’s Lou who’s standing tall
Old Lou Quest, the rudest nudist

Sometimes we feel sorry that old Lou is such a loner……………….

But still I won’t subject you to a rhyme that’s quite a groaner
When mealtime comes ‘round and we’re ready to be fed
The line gets rather crowded so we let Lou go ahead

(He’s making it hard)

We all love Camp Natural now
Since no one gives a glance
We found a fine solution
For Lou’s softened up his stance
Our Suzie is a seamstress……..
And she made the guy some pants!
Yes, Sue dressed old Lou Quest
The crudest, lewdest, protrudest, rudest nudist

LOVE AT FIRST SLIGHT

R When I met my woman years ago
She asked me if my mom had children that lived
M He responded by telling me tenderly
I had a mind like a steel sieve

R She said I was giving uncouth a bad rap
Asked if the pizza was named for my face
M Then he said he could tell from the size of my lap
That I’d eaten at each pizza place

It was love at first slight
We didn’t mind a bit
It was love through all the spite
And that caustic, deadly wit

M Even to this day the barbs aren’t few
I ask will you’ve me when I’m gray?
R I say of course I do, do you love me too?
And I tell him, I just might someday

R People often think we got no class
M It’s because you flunked out of school
B But we’re just not us without the sass
There’s nasty good fun being cruel

It was love at first slight
We knew that we’d be wed
We trade insults every night
Because he/she’s lousy in bed

It was love at first slight
It was love at first slight
It’s still love at first slight

LOVE DENIED NO MORE

Hate me or love me
But just don’t call me boring
Kiss me or shove me
But don’t disturb my snore
Take me or lose me
I can’t stand you ignoring
As long as you choose
I’ll be on your side
Love denied no more

Say the lie, live or die
We’re actors in the same show
Your bag of tricks, the wounds I lick
The gamut of the rainbow

Well, I think I need the misery
To understand the good things
I shrink from all the easy ways
I need a challenge
And that’s why I’m after you

Love me or hate me
Don’t leave me in between you
Though you won’t date me
I know you always mean to
You give me a signal
That says “To be continued”
I see the open door
I’ll come inside
Love denied no more

Say it all, we have a ball
Collecting all the true quotes
You tune me out, but there’s no doubt
There’s harmony in blue notes

You have to have the counterpoint
To understand the whole score
Yes, I remember easy days
That was long ago
Before I fell in love with you

(first verse)

LOVE THIS COUNTRY

This is America, the greatest land on earth
I can prove it to you if you don’t believe
If you look at all the numbers of the people who want in
You’ll see fifty times the ones that want to leave

So you citizens that gripe about not getting a fair shake
Take a lesson from those coming off the boat
Get on down, kiss the ground, and be glad each day you wake
Love this country, learn its laws or learn to float

This is America, where speech is free and cheap
And the pluses should be obvious to all
And if you don’t quite see it or you feel you’ve been left out
Just ask someone who’s been there behind the wall

So Americans be glad, even those of you born here
You are free to follow every dream or whim
I’ll say it once again if the message wasn’t clear
Love this country, learn its laws or learn to swim

I’ll say it once again if the message wasn’t clear
Love this country, learn its laws or don’t come in

LOVE’S NOT HARD TO FIND

Cruisin’ bars in west L.A.
I’m lookin’ for some fun
I want some girls that play instead of run
I got my alligator shirt and shoes
I’m lookin’ good tonight, I just can’t lose

I talked to one cute honey
In between the country songs
She told me she felt lost
And somehow that she don’t belong
I saw my chance and bought her lots of drinks
I said my “lines” with slight suggestive winks

For it’s all in the mind
And sometimes unrefined
The nearsighted lead the blind
Love’s not hard to find

Soon we were a-kissin’ and I knew that I was in
I said we were a-goin’ and I guzzled down my gin
I took her to my place, as you might have guessed
I couldn’t wait for her to get undressed

And it’s hard to define
How lifetimes get entwined
But it’s how we were designed
Yes, love’s not hard to find

She crawled into my bed and I was feelin’ pretty high
She said to me “I hope you are an open minded guy,
“Cause I’m a man, but don’t be angry, please.
I was too drunk, now I’ve got a dread disease!

And it’s a sign of the times
And often it’s unkind
For the not too choosy mind
No, love’s not hard to find

LOVIN WOMAN T20

You think you can go drinking with the boys all the time
Well, it’s keeping me up at night
And all my friends are thinking that you’re really not mine
Well, it’s making me feel uptight
So keep on having you fun
While you still can
And when you come home
Just don’t ask where I am

Cause I’m a lovin’ woman
I expect to be treated right
And I’m a tender person
And I need my man home every night

I wish sometimes I had a farm with chickens and pigs
I’d be getting up with the sun
And everyone would come around and lend me a hand
We would laugh and have some fun
And with those friendly people
I wouldn’t need you
But until I am rich
I guess you’ll just have to do

Cause I’m a lovin’ woman
I expect to be treated fair
And I’m a patient person
But I need a love that I can share

So when you find me in a place that you’d like to be
Just remember how I got there
You were out drinking while I sat home alone
And you didn’t seem to care
So keep on having your fun
It will do you no good
For the feeling will fade
I wouldn’t try it if I could

Cause I’m a lovin’ woman
But you can only push so far
And I’m a patient person
But I won’t compete with a bar

LOW SELF ESTEEM

You say you’re not good looking
You’re a little overweight
Your hair is just a mess
And you cannot get a date
I’m not calling you a liar
But not a thing you say is true
And I’m glad you have low self esteem
Or I’da never got to dance with you

You say your clothes are drab
You don’t stand out in a crowd
You don’t deserve attention
So your voice is never loud
I see beauty, grace and wisdom
But you don’t have a clue
And I’m glad you have low self esteem
Or I’da never had a chance with you

You’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever known
But if you knew it, too
My shot might be blown
You’d have a coterie of men
That would kiss your every toe
So maybe I won’t tell you what I know

You say you’re nothing special
And perhaps not deserving
I’m afraid I disagree
And my opinion is unswerving
For when I see your face
There’s no horror that I view
And I’m glad you have low self esteem
Or I’da never had romance with you

MALLS ARE STARTING TO STINK LIKE XMAS

The malls are starting to stink like Christmas
The walls are starting to reek of holiday cheer
Like a thirst you cannot quench
Can’t get enough of that stench
It’s smelling a lot like Christmas
Right here

The merchants are redecorating
To meet the season’s need
The reds are flags in front of the bull
The greens represent the greed
The sprightly tunes refill the air
Like a happy hornets’ drone
To make you see it’s a wonderful life
Instead of a Twilight Zone

The malls……etc
This year

The standards of the industry
Are falling now in place
The ritual and rigamaroll
Are smacking you in the face
Everyone has the holiday spirit
At least that’s what we’re told
And all is well this time of year
Yes the happy souls have been sold

The malls…..etc
My Dear

That Christmas will hold on
After everything else is gone

MALPRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

So he made a slight mistake
So the test result were late
He’s a human after all
In the past you’d call it fate
But the vulture on a tree
Always pounces a fresh kill
There’s a profit to be made
From someone else’s lack of skill

And after all the pain
And after all the suits are filed
There is monetary gain
But it won’t bring back the child

So you got your “restitution”
Though they did their best and lost
Now we all pay through the nose
For no vulture works for cost
Yes, the leeches of the legal
Have brought doctors to the brink
And like the great bald eagle
They may soon become extinct

And after all is said and done
And the jury’s been beguiled
They claim victory for one
But it won’t bring back the child

So keep doing all your suing
There’s a market for revenge
That’s supported by a system
That’s as modern as Stonehenge
And the Hippocratic Oath
Can’t beat a hypocrite profession
Take your problems to the judge
It’s a nationwide obsession

And after all the bills were paid
And another doc exiled
It seemed a mediocre trade
For it didn’t help the child

No, it didn’t help the child
No, it won’t bring back the child

MAN OR MOUSE

You look like something the cat dragged in
When it’s me who’s been working like a dog
I’d like to ask you where the living hell have you been
But you’re rooting in the fridge like a hog
You’re as quiet as a clam but you smell like a skunk
I’m gonna kick you in the can next time you come home drunk
I wonder who’s living in this house
Is it a man or a mouse?

You’ve been running with those rats that you call your friends
Them boys are all dumber than a snail
You hang around like bats in that den of sin
Whistling at every chicken tail
You’re as handsome as a toad but as smart as a flea
You should be on the road coming home to me
I wonder who’s living in this house
Is it a man or a mouse?

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him think
He says that I just wouldn’t understand
But I’m a hoot owl’s daughter and I hardly ever blink
There are things that this fox has a right to ask of her man

Well, you snake in the grass, I knew you’d run out of luck
They slapped you in a cage like a bird
You thought that trouble stuck to you like water to a duck
This time I’m not taking your word
Cause this bunny’s out of here, flown the coop, split the scene
Bugging out, gotten clear, wiped the big slate clean
I wonder who’s alone in the house
Is it a man or a mouse?
Is it a man or a louse?
Is it a man or a mouse?

MARRY ME

Marry me
I’ll give you everything I’ve got
Marry me
I’ll make you happy
Share with me
All the pleasures that we sought
Marry me before I change my mind

I used to be lonely and spiteful
Til the day I woke up to you
Then I felt nervous and frightful
Of the person that you made me into
When we went out you were so nice
I thougtht I had found the one
Now the long courtship is over
You’re still lot of fun

Marry me
And I’ll love you all the time
Marry me
We’ll get ecstatic
Share with me
All our days of bread and wine
Marry me before I get too old

I used to love to party
Til the day I looked up at you
Then I felt like Billy Barty
You’re so tall and so skinny It’s true
When we went out you were such a clod
I thought I was gonna die
Now I no longer avoid it
You’re still somehow my favorite guy

Marry me
Give me reason to go on
Marry me
I’m saying that I love you
Share with me
All the jokes we thrive upon
Marry me because no other will
Marry me tonight
Marry me tonight

MARY THE MANGLER

Hi, I’ll pick you up in bars
Hi, I’ll take you in my car
We are going to get to know each other
Say, you look like you’re a real good lover

Come on, baby, my name’s Mary
I’m into S&M, you know
I hope you like my ropes and chains
Just let me show you where they go

Do you want to sleep with me?
I’ll make you feel agony
Hey, don’t mess around with my collection
Or you’ll need an officer’s protection

You think I’m just a little girl
You think that I can’t hurt you
You think that you are big and strong
Well, I think men are dirt!

(What are you doing the rest of your life?
Why don’t you slip into something a little
more ..uncomfortable! Ha! Ha! Ha!)

Hi, I’ll pick you up in bars
Hi, I’ll take you in my car
We are going to get to know each other
Say, you look like you’re a real good lover

I will make you beg for mercy
Dressed up in my leather suit
Got it in a shop in Jersey
Don’t you think I look real cute?

(Oh, this one’s no fun anymore. I’ll have
to go out and get another one!)

MAXIMA BLUES music by Tom Scharf

I had a car I loved
Treated it like gold
I thought we’d be together
Til it and I grew old
But one day leaving Kinko’s
Two big trucks in the street
Made an SUV sandwich
And I was the meat

I really wasn’t injured
But still I was in pain
My Maxima got minimized
It would never run again
There’s not enough insurance
To replace my loyal friend
I just stopped in traffic
Ant smaked in the rear end

I can copy anything
Except that old Nissan
We had a lot of good times
But now I must move on

I really hate the searching
The hunt for something new
There’s a space in my garage
And my heart is empty, too
I long for my old Nissan
It never won a race
But what those SUV’s stole from me
Can never be replaced

MEAT MARKET

I am in the marketplace
The grocery store of life
I see the people in the place
The farmer and his wife

The man who does the dressing
The butchers and the cooks
But it’s the women in the marketplace
Who attract the longest looks

Shopping in the meat market
Dropping in the meat market
The lamb is too expensive
The pork is unappealing
The chicken’s apprehensive
The beef is too unfeeling

When you’re in the marketplace
You must display your stuff
You have to sell you products
Tell people they can’t get enough

And when you get a customer
You then collect your pay
This market’s only open nights
And closed during the day

Shopping in the meat market
Dropping in the meat market
The lamb is too expensive
The pork is unappealing
The chicken’s apprehensive
The beef is too unfeeling

MISS YOU WHEN YOURE GONE

Now you’re leaving again
Got your hobbies, yet no time
I’ll be sitting here at home
With the T.V and the wine
I knew it years ago
And I’ve lived it for so long
But still I always miss you when you’re gone

I try to make you good meals
Gently chide you when you drink
Try to help you get in shape
Try to get you to the shrink
Though we’re getting on in years
My love for you is still strong
That’s why I’m going to miss you when you’re gone

We’re supposed to be a team
Lean together for support
Though we live in the same house
We both have built a little fort

Now I am filing for divorce
And I’m feeling very sad
After years of therapy
Found I went and married Dad
Soon I’ll still be by myself
But at least I won’t be wrong
And yet I know I’ll miss you when you’re gone

MIXED MESSAGES

She tells me that she loves me
But she treats me just like dirt
She has a gaping wound
But she says it doesn’t hurt
She says she wants it all
But she’s holding something back
She wants a mansion when she says
She’d love a shack

She sends me mixed messages
Says one thing but means another
Wants only me but also mother
She sends me mixed messages
She sees red when feeling blue
Has to have her cake and eat it too

She wants me to change 
But she’s solid as a wall
She says she wants a country life
But hangs out at the mall
She loves her little home
Yet can’t wait to get away
Loses arguments yet always seems
To get her way

She sends me mixed messages
Yells when she wants peace and quiet
Says she’s broke but then she’ll buy it
She’s sending mixed messages
Changed her mind and changed her song
But then she wonders what went wrong

SOLO

She sends me mixed messages
All her coins are double sided
Don’t know what she wants, she’s so divided
She sends me mixed messages
She says yes when she means no
And I just can’t figure out which way to go

MODERN FAMILIES

HIS PART: HER PART:

My girlfriend is a she-ee-ee ………Who transitioned from a he-ee-ee
Now we both are happily Pansexual!…..Pansexual!
Always thought that I-I-I…………..Was a little more than Bi-I-I
But I found out that it’s all ………Contextual (Key change)

And our son is three-ee-ee………….But we know she would agree-ee-ee
That he would rather be gender fluid!..Gender fluid!
So we call her “They”-ay-ay…………For the language of today
Ties you up in knots to say, so we’re Screw-ed!

We’re a very modern family No one in our clan is cisgender
We fly each color of the rainbow flag But our love is just as tender

My sister is quite poly…………….My brother is a “grey”
Or do we have the two confused?……..Or do we have the two confused?
It’s very hard to say!……………..I’s very hard to say!

My neighbors are all gay-ay ay………Though the term seems quite passe
We all like swapping lovely ………..Things to wear!
And you might ruminate-ay-ate……….How we keep each other straight
Oops, I think we made a silly……… Joke right there!

We’re a very modern family We’re so Varioriented
Can’t wait to see the next thing in the bag
That no one yet has invented

My girlfriend has a boyfriend……….Who used to have a slot
Since I am Gynosexual………………Since I am Gynosexual
Not liking it a lot………………..Not liking it a lot!

(Pause……Then both:)

Oh I’m so sorry, that was rude!
Politically improper Intolerant, unkind!
For choice is what we’re all about
Until We change our mind…………..

MOMMA HATES MUSIC

My dad played the banjo
My mother played the news
He’s go to all the concerts
But she would refuse
Dad took his position
And won it in a fight
Since Mom chose a musician
I guess it served her right

Momma hates music
She don’t know how to use it
And Poppa’s in a band
But he gets out of hand

I got a box guitar
I got a fender bass
I gather up my friends
And play all over the place
I gave up a girlfriend
And I gave up a wife
I guess I’ve got what Momma
Ran from her whole life

Mother where did I go wrong?
I know you’ll never hear this song

Momma hates music
Whenever I abuse it
But people sing along
When I’m out playing songs
Everybody’s crazy
Everywhere there’s loons
There are many vices worse
Than writing corny tunes
It’s a good obsession
It almost keeps me sane
To make a big confession
It’s how I block the pain

Momma hates music
That’s why I always choose it
And Poppa’s now long gone
But I still carry on

Mother where did I go wrong?
Mother where did you go wrong?
Mother where did we go wrong?

MOVING DAY

You find out who your friends are on moving day
You find the things you thought had all just gone away
Always seems unreal
This terrible ordeal
There’s nothing in this world that’s quite like moving day

You find yourself in places strange on moving day
Lots of things to rearrange and put away
Always on the run
And the work is never done
You swear that you won’t have another moving day

Dreaming that night of a larger rented van
In it are two guys with physiques like Superman
They’re doing all the work for you
Oh, how you wish it was all true

You found a lot of good things came from moving day
You’re reached another step, another place to stay
Soon it will be home
And they’ll reconnect your phone
Then you will forget there was a moving day

MR CLEAN

I’ll clean up my act
Now that I know dirt makes you gag
I’ve lived amidst the garbage for too long
But now I’m in your household
With a hefty load to bag
I know you’ll love me more when it’s all gone

I’ve let “untidy” lead me
Down a path that’s meant for swine
I never thought before to wipe my feet
But now you’ve laid the law down
And I’ll learn to toe the line
Or else I know I’ll wind up in the street

I mean I’ll take my galoshes off the table
And I’ll pick up my socks and underwear
I’ll put them in the laundry if I’m able
And maybe I’ll even wash my hair
Call me Mr. Clean
Call me Mr. Clean

I know I’ll miss the days of
Leaving dishes in the sink
And leftover pizza on the floor
But since I love you, darling
And I know you hate the stink
I’ll try to pick up a little more

I’ll even stop playing basketball with food
I’ll shave and even shower with some soap
I’ll get a new shirt and attitude
I’ll prove there’s a tiny ray of hope

Call me Mr. Clean
Call me Mr. Clean

MUSIC LOVER

When I was young I took piano lessons for a year
But I couldn’t seem to make the notes sound clear
So I gave it up three thousand dollars later
My teacher said my playing hurt his ear

I saw a banjo hanging in a shop one day
I thought it might be fun to learn to play
I bought and I took it home to practice on
In two weeks it was on my wall to stay

Just when I was thinking I should call it quits
I thought that I could handle single riffs
So I went and bought a fender bass guitar
I practiced for a year it gave me fits

Then I decided to take up the drums
At first I felt that I was just all thumbs
Now I believe I have the hang of the rhythm
But still when I solo everyone runs

I’ll never give up my dreams to be in a band
But nothing seems to work out like we planned
I’ll never be content being a wealthy accountant
All you musicians out there understand

MY BEST FRIEND

I called my best friend on the phone
Because she always gives the best advice
I needed her to tell me how to mend my broken heart
She listened to my mournful tone
And I may have cried once or twice
She said the best thing for me to do
Is to go and make myself a brand new start

For my girlfriend left me for another man
And I guess I only have myself to blame
But I’ll always have my best friend’s shoulder to cry on
But it’s tough because they were one and the same

I told her that my days are long
And there’s many awful sleepless nights
I need her to tell me that there’s
Gonna be some better times ahead
She just reminds me that I’m strong
And that it’s often dark before the light
But there’s still that missing her
And that empty space by me in my bed

Yes, my girlfriend left me with another plan
And I’m living with the sorrow and the shame
And I know I’ll always have my best friend’s love to rely on
But it’s rough because they were one and the same

For my girlfriend left me for another man
And I guess I only have myself to blame
And I’m glad I had my best friend’s life to try on
But it’s tough because she didn’t feel the same

And it’s rough because they are one and the same

MY GOOD SON

I have such a wonderful boy
Never in trouble — always a joy
Stays in his room
Unless I call
I tell you that kid’s on the ball

My good son, I’ll never let him go
My good son, I’ll never let him grow
Ever since his father passed away
He’s been my good boy every day

My boy left a few years ago
But he came right back when the money ran low
Takes me around cause I no longer drive
It’s 40 years he’s been alive

My good son, I’ll never let him go
My good son, I’ll never let him grow
Ever since his father passed away
He’s been my good boy every way

Never a week is gone
When he doesn’t say
That he loves his dear Mom
He’s always been my little guy
I iron his shirts
And I bake him a pie

He’s so very handsome, so strong
I’m lucky that he and girls don’t get along
Like a good mom I ignore all the noise
When he brings home the other moms’ boys

My good son, I’ll never let him go
My good son, I’ll never let him grow
Ever since his father passed away
He’s been my good boy, I must say

He’s been my good boy every day

MY LOVE FOR YOU

My love for you is like a big brass band
Cause to hire one would cost a dozen grand
My love for you is like a teddy bear
Because it sits all day in a rocking chair
My love for you will always stay with me
Just like the scars from major surgery
My love for you will stand the test of time
Like a life sentence for some major crime

It’s hard to find the proper metaphor
When love is so hard to explain
I love you like I’d love a two-bit whore
But I can’t afford the monetary drain

My love for you is like a soaring bird
When he’s just cut loose with a massive turd
My love for you is like an endless beach
The hot sand burning worse than Clorox bleach
My love for you will always take my breath
Like a freeway chase that ends in fiery death
My love for you is like a crimson rose
When the thorns cut in and the redness flows

It’s hard to find a good analogy
When my feeling for you I explain
Sometime I think in jail I’d be free
For my love for you is nothing but pain

NEIGHBORHOOD BOYS

Life is really dull around here
Mom’s at work and we’re all out of beer
I’m not gonna get my homework done
I’m gonna go right out and have some fun
And play with the neighborhood boys

The neighborhood boys…
I like the games they play
I always get my way
I remember when they used to taunt me
And now the guys all seem to want me
Want me
Want me

I get so tired of the video games
And T.V. shows all look just the same
So when I’m sick and tired of my sisters’ noise
I go and borrow some of Mommy’s rubber toys
Then go out and play with the neighborhood boys

The neighborhood boys…
They say I’m really fine
They want to be my valentine
I like to think that someone needs me
And so I go for all the lines they feed me
Feed me
Feed me

The neighborhood boys…
I don’t play hard to get
They tell me I’m a sweet nymphet
You should see the gifts they bought me
Because of tricks my Momma taught me
Teach me
Teach me

Gonna go and play with the neighborhood boys
Gonna kill a day with the neighborhood boys
Gonna go astray with the neighborhood boys

NEVER LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALL ALONE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND T20

Never leave your mother
All alone with your best friend
You can never see the future
You can never see the end
You may discover undercover
What you thought could not be true
For you never know what your best friend can do

Never leave your lover
With the words “I love you so”
Cause you might find that love is blind
You can change your mind, you know
She might relieve you and deceive you
And take you into her bed
And you’ll never figure out how you got wed

Turn your face
When you’re trying to find out
It will turn your head around

So never leave your brother
All alone when he’s in need
For you ought to know by this you show
Your pure and simple greed
Someday you’ll need a buck or a little luck
To help you get through the night
And you’ll wish you fished your brother
From his plight

[First verse]

NEVER TOO LATE

Don’t tell me about your father
And how he beat you
I don’t want to hear that mom and sister
Did mistreat you
You seem to want sympathy
But you won’t get mine
You only have yourself to blame
So if you want to whine
You can sit and cry and cry and cry and cry
But I don’t think that you should
Because it’s never too late have a happy childhood

It’s never too late
Though you never get it back
There’s a one-way gate
But the road ahead is never black

I never got the toys that I liked at Christmas
I never got the boys (girls) that were oh, so cute
My shoulder has a chip
And I lamely call it “style”
Got to learn to get a grip
And discover how to smile
I don’t want to sit and piss and moan and cry
For it doesn’t do me good
And it’s never too late to have a happy childhood

NEVER WHERE YOU LOOK

People search forever
For a mate that suits them well
Some turn life into heaven
Some make it into hell
The challenge of this voyage
Is the lessons of the quest
The ones who grasp it early on
Do better than the rest

And the secret of love
Won’t be found in any book
You may discover it somewhere
But it’s never where you look

And there is only one I’ve been thinking of
It must be love
Let’s be in love

Sometimes when it happens
It comes out of the blue
It shatters all the rules
All beliefs that you held true
It’s something learned by feel
It’s what sets us all apart
And it can’t be calculated
Or measured on a chart

And the wonder of it all
You won’t find in any book
If you find it anywhere
It’s never where you look

And there is only one I’ve been thinking of
It must be love
Let’s be in love

NEW LOVE

I met a new guy and I really liked his dog
He’s a lab named Buddy and he knows cool tricks
He’s three years old and ain’t’ been fixed
His owners’ name was Jim, I think
He invited me over to his place for a drink

So I went over there and I saw his place
He had his own yard and room to run
It looked like his owner might be fun
I saw his papers and his pedigree
I knew right then he would be a good friend to me

It’s been very hard since my Lucky died last May
I thought I’d never love again
I’ve seen so lonely since he passed away
I even tried dating petless men

But now I’ve got Jim’s number and the one for Buddy’s vet
They’ve promised to meet me in the park
I know I’ll hear that lovely bark
I bought a big box of canine treats
I may just love again after many defeats

But until that day I’ll just dream of him
I met a new love and I think I like Jim

NEW OPTIMIST GEEZER

I’m looking forward to adventure
Though real soon I might need dentures
My life is getting real near the end
Hoping to tie it with what I have to spend

Now there is some future left, I’m hopin’
Though it seems I’m often gropin’
But as long as I stay healthy
And just moderately wealthy
I’ll get my love life out of the freezer
I am a pro activist, new optimist geezer

My house is in a place I rented
And my furniture is dented
My home is disorganized but clean
And my view all around is very green

I’ve looked around for things to be doin’
And all the new song I will be spewin’
I’ll take my new information
And apply it to creation
As the first song this one is the teaser
I am a pro activist, new optimist geezer

As long as I’m here, I’ll find me a better way
Stay in good cheer, until that final day
I’ve opened a door
Put rugs on the floor
My clothes in a drawer
And hope to turn myself into more than before

I’m looking forward to adventure
Hoping for a real butt-clencher
I feel I still have some things to see
Even if I have to view them as only me
But as long as there is breath here
And I stay away from death, dear
I’m my Rome, I’ll be my own Caesar

I am a sensational, recreational
Fantastically, sarcastically
Obsessional, confessional
Pro activist, go optimist geezer

NEW WORD FOR LOVE

We need a new word for love
For its meaning is too vague and overused
We need a new word for love
Some more variety from which to choose
Because so many times
We have to live with rhymes
That fit just like a foot in a glove
Yes, we need a new word or two for love

I tried to write a letter to you while you were away
To tell you that I missed you, but I couldn’t think of what to say
As I pushed the pen to write
Old “I love you” seemed so trite
I tried looking in the book by Roget

We need a new word for love
For its meaning is too vague and overused
We need a new word for love
Some more variety from which to choose
Because so many times
We have to live with rhymes
That fly just like a baby dove
Yes, we need a new word or two for love

Somehow all those synonyms could not express the way feel
How I think of you at dinnertime and at every other meal
That old “L” word can’t convey
What I’d really like to say
There was nothing Mr. Webster could reveal

We need a new word for love
For its meaning is too vague and overused
We need a new word for love
Some more variety from which to choose
Because so many times
We have to live with rhymes
That flow just like the sea above
Yes, we need a new word or two for love

Well, I finally sent that letter and I got a swift reply
You told me you weren’t coming back, you had found another guy
I stood there silently
As many words came back to me
But most had meanings just the same as “cry”

We need a new word for love
For its meaning is too vague and overused
We need a new word for love
Some more variety from which to choose
Because so many times
We have to live with rhymes
That force a phrase like a big shove
Yes, we need a new word or two for love

NIGHT ON THE TOWN

It’s been a little while
Since we’ve done anything special
I know that you’ve been feeling kind of down
I’ll make you this proposal
You’ve got me at your disposal
Let’s go out and have ourselves
A night on the town

We’ll show a little style
As we lighten up our wallets
We’ll take in all the city’s sights and sounds
And stop the repercussions
Of our last heated discussion
Let’s go out and have ourselves
A night on the town

Lights in the city
Bright in my eyes
Make me feel giddy in the knees
But when I have you here
And the stars in the skies
It all becomes so clear
And I feel at ease

It’s so good to see you smile
Since your fifty-hour workweek
I think we need some time to fool around
So let’s ignore the prices
And give in to our vices
Let’s go out and have ourselves
A night on the town

NO ESCAPE

I tried running, I tried fighting
Tooth and nail and back biting
But it’s no use; there’s no excuse
There’s no escape

I had religion I got annoyed
There are things you can’t avoid
At war or peace, there’s no release
There’s no escape

No getting out of here alive
No easy road on which to drive
But you can take a stand
Maybe give someone a hand
Make the most of everything you try

You got your pleasures; you got your sin
Know where you’re at, it’s where you’ve been
All your work and play
Is here to stay
There’s no escape

We’re in a prison; we’re in a cage
Bars on the window, it’s all the rage
Just stay inside, you just can’t hide
There’s no escape

There’s a world out there that just can’t see it
That doesn’t understand the plan
No matter how you try to free it
You can’t let loose your fellow man

They’re in the valley; they’re in the street
They’re an example of a system defeat
Go to the store, we lost a war
There’s no escape

The future’s coming, looks like the end
You better grab onto a friend
It’s all been said, we made our bed
There’s no escapeÄ

NO INSURANCE

Well, I used to buy insurance
Cause I thought that I could win
But the average is against you
Notify your next of kin
But not to tell them you are dead
But that you’re poor and broke
A pact you made with Satan
Wouldn’t cost as much © no joke

I used to bet on horses
And I used to bet State Farm
That I’d pay them lots of money
Just in case I came to harm
But if my horse should come in first
And I live to be old
I’ll never see those dollars
But they bought good things, I’m told

My car has no protection
Don’t report me to the fuzz
And my life has no insurance
Then again, it never does

I won’t pay Metro Life one cent
To see me to my grave
All the bread I’d send Prudential
Now I think I’d rather save
You know Mutual of Omaha-ha-ha
Has nothing I will buy
There is no way that I will pay
Installments til I die

I’m scared to death to drive today
I know what can occur
For if I am in an accident
My ass is grass for sure
The Man will come and lock me up
And throw away the key
But these insurance companies
Will get no bucks from me

NO LYRICS

No lyrics, to this song
No lyrics, I got nothing to say
No lyrics, to this song
But it doesn’t matter anyway

No meaning, in these words
No meaning, like all the rest
No meaning, in these words
I got nothing to get off my chest

Songs need ideas
But I got none for this one
But most folks never listen
For ignorance is bliss, hon

Why bother? They never listen
Why bother? Phone to ear
Why bother? They never listen
All the words they never hear

Songs need ideas
But nothing’s come to me
Like so many others
They play on MTV

No lyrics….
No lyrics…….
No lyrics….

NO ONE RIDES FREE

Don’t stand there with your thumb out
Don’t be holding up a sign
Got no cash? Throw the bum out!
I’m not parting with mine

So if you want a ride
It’s okay with me
Gas, grass or ass
No one rides free

Don’t be waiting for a handout
Unless you’re ready to work
You don’t have to be a standout
Just don’t be a lazy jerk

So if you want a ride
It’s okay with me
Gas, grass or ass
No one rides free

Show some class and chip in for gas
Five bucks doesn’t get you far
I won’t pass if you share some grass
I don’t mind stinking up my car

(As for the last, that’s not for guys)

Don’t be waiting for spare change
There ain’t any such a thing
Flip some burgers on a range
Find some newspapers to fling

So if you want a ride
It’s okay with me
Gas, grass or ass
No one rides free

NO ONE YOU KNOW

No one you know
Loves you like me
Hope we’re forever together
No place you go
No face you see
Can match all the love I can bring you
By singing this melody
Doing more giving than taking
While making a harmony

No one we know
Sees our success
Through all the uncertain moments
While we both grow
Our love we express
All folks are the same, it’s a shame
That true love is a lucky guess
Remember that living is also forgiving
In friendliness

No one I know
Loves me like you
We make a good combination
Feelings we show
In songs that we play
I know that we’ll always be friends
To the end when we’re old and gray
Clichés that say lovers are blind
I am finding more true each day

No one you know

NOBODYS FAULT

How many times have I gone astray?
How many times must I fall?
How many dreams have I chased away?
When I didn’t answer the call

So many voices I couldn’t hear
So many chances I’ve blown
So many choices I’ve had this year
It’s nobody’s fault but my own

Sometimes I moan about the human condition
Life goes on just the same
Then I turn and groan about my lack of ambition
I wish I had someone to blame

Nobody knows what the future holds
Only passing time make the past clear
Since we are born we do what we’re told
Wondering why we’re all here

Sometimes I’m prone to make a rapid decision
To find it’s not the one I should have made
Oh, how I long to see myself with X-ray vision
And know what I can do without being afraid

How many options I didn’t try
How many things I should have known?
Big opportunities pass me by
It’s nobody’s fault but my own

NOISIEST TOY

Every little boy gets a bike
And all the kids’ bikes look alike or so they feel
So to be a little different
And to grab all the attention
He’ll put a playing card in the spokes of the wheel

And it goes:
Flapity flapity flapity flapity flapity flapity flapity
Flapity flapity flapity flapity flapity flap.
Hey, everybody notice me
I’m the boy with the noisiest toy

Every bigger boy gets a car
And since no one wants to notice
Every nut in every crowd
He tries to be more different
To grab some more attention
So he puts a giant stereo inside very loud

And it goes:
Rapity rapity rapity rapity rapity rapity rapity rapity
Rapity rapity rapity rapity rapity rap.
Hey everybody! Notice me!
I’m the boy with the noisiest toy

They say that men don’t grow up, and it’s true
They only keep on getting bigger toys
The way to a man’s heart is not through fancy food
You have to let him buy all the gadgets he enjoys

Bigger kids own louder things
The possessions that bigger money brings- Status Quo
So to be a little different
And to grab still more attention
He’s got to have the best in modern guns -He’s a pro

And it goes:
Bapity bapity bapity bapity bapity bapity bapity bapity
Bapity bapity bapity bapity bap.
Hey everybody! Now you’ve noticed me
I’m the boy with the noisiest toy
Hey, everybody that noticed me
I was the boy with the noisiest toy

NOMAD

He lives a life of hardship
In the desert of emotion
He crosses all his bridges as they come
He doesn’t seem to realize he’s
Deserving of devotion
He doesn’t know which way he’s coming from

He’s a nomad in the world of love
He moves to new locations every week
He’s a nomad in the world of love
And he has to have his love affairs unique

He walks across the sands of time
As if the beach is endless
Remembers every path and place he’s stays
His charming life of wandering
Has left him far from friendless
In numbers he can face life unafraid

He’s a nomad in the world of love
A life of short romance is all he’s known
A nomad in the world of love
And the only heart he’s broken is his own

He’s a nomad in the world of love
He’s a nomad in the world of love

NORMAL

I use my lures, I’m quite a catch
But I haven’t really met my match
There’s certain men that I attract
They’re often sort of lame

It must be the bait, or the way I cast
For I reel them in, then I’m aghast
Those certain men I throw back
For some are quite insane

But now I think I’ve found the one
I find myself elated
The first that didn’t make me run
You’re one of the more normal crazies
I’ve ever dated

I never like to rock the ship
I just don’t want that boat to tip
But when someone heads for the rocks
I know to say goodbye

I don’t like getting lost at sea
I’m not the type to mutiny
I like some sense when my man talks
Don’t like the waves too high

But now I think I’ve found a guy
That’s only complicated
The first that I don’t scream out “Why?”
You’re one of the more normal crazies
I’ve ever dated

You’re one of the more normal psycos
I’ve ever dated

NOT THE WORST THING

I know a man who’s angry
Life never treats him fairly
He’s gotten overcharged a few times
He’s going to sue the store
Then there’s his noisy neighbor
Another one out of favor
He sits and plots his path to revenge
Just to even the score

It’s not the worst thing that could happen to him
It’s not the worst thing that could happen
He doesn’t know how lucky in life he is
It’s not the best of worlds, we have to make do
It’s not the best of worlds we live in
Some people never learn
That’s how it’s always been

And I know a girl who’s lonely again
Her recent love just left her
She knows how to pick the wrong ones for her
She’s always asking me why
Yes, she has high ambitions
Knows how to make decisions
But she gets crushed be the unkindness
Dished out by some ignorant guy

It’s not the worst thing that could happen to her
It’s not the worst thing that could happen
She doesn’t know how lucky in life she is
It’s not the best of worlds, we have to make do
It’s not the best of worlds we live on
Got to enjoy what you’ve got
Before it’s all gone

I’m glad they both come talk to me
All of my good advice is free
My friends know I will listen to them
I’m going nowhere fast
I’ve lived a long and good one
Had many years of good fun
Now I’m sitting here with cancer but still
I’m going to smile to the last

It’s not the worst thing that has happened to me
It’s not the worst thing that has happened
I never knew how lucky in life I’ve been
It’s not the best of worlds we have to get through
It’s not the best of worlds we live on
Got to enjoy all there is
For soon it will be gone

Got to enjoy all, there is for soon it will be gone

NUMBER ONE

Whenever I see that look in your eyes
I feel my self esteem rise
I know from the smile on your face
That you’ve awarded me first place

When I come home and walk in the door
I never get the big ignore
As the front runner in your campaign
I’m in your city at First and Main

Now I’m here with you
It feels so right
The songs get sung
I felt like number two
But now I’m number one

It wasn’t always like this in the past
I ran so hard and still finished last
In the band I was lost in the middle
Trying hard playing second fiddle

But now I feel like rising at dawn
Now I’m getting to hold the baton
You put me up on a riser
And somehow I got younger and wiser

Now I’m here with you
It feels so right
The songs get sung
I felt like number two
But now I’m number one

I won when you became my true blue woman
A free man am I at forty
Alive, alive, a mixture of heaven
A mate who is mine without the tension

Now I’m here with you
It feels so right
The songs get sung
I felt like number two
But now I’m number one

OCCASIONAL SPECTACULAR FURY

I’m looking forward to her fighting
Because it’s usually enlightning
My girl sees life as a great debate
Loves to argue and I can hardly wait

For when we have an insane tiff
I plead my case like a plaintiff
But she’s so much more attendant
When she’s made me the defendant

I’m so glad I’m not the judge or jury
She’s got an occasional spectacular fury

Our house looks like a model home
But it’s a secret battle zone
My girl is stormy before the calm
And it sometimes turns into a verbal Vietnam

I’ve asked myself “What’s a girl for?”
I didn’t ask for a third world war
But she’s never more delightful
Or dependably insightful

When she’s mad I never have to worry
She’s got an occasional spectacular fury

As long as she cares
She’ll make me a better guy
As long as she swears
I’ll always know the reason why
We opened the door
Now we understand war
And what fighting is for
And we’ve become so much more

I’m looking forward to her fighting
Though to some it may seem frightening
All of the ire I get doesn’t faze me
Cause I know that I’m just as crazy

And though I might want to hang her
When she’s showing all that anger
I wait it out, I’m in no big hurry
She’s got a recreational, sensational
Fantastically, sarcastically
Obsessional, confessional
Occasional, spectacular fury

ODE

How still and warm and silent lies
The fragrant waste of time
How utterly dependent are the
Plants of every clime

How sad that people turn away
And shun where it is laid
When all of life owes it a debt
That seldom is repaid

Other signs of life are revered
In other poems and prose
Like food and love and breath itself
No disgrace in those

But the lowliest will often rise
To high exalted rank
As any venture outdoors shows
Deposits in every bank

So show respect for the humble turd
When you see it in the grass
It represents life’s biggest truth
That everything must pass

OFFBEAT

Always marched to music
That is somewhat off the track
It makes my social circles be
A bit out of whack

When I hear a song that
Other people think is great
I fight the mass opinion
Make it the one I hate

I’m offbeat-always been
On off beats- uncommon that way
I’m offbeat – always been
I’m offbeat -not like “them”
I have a little game that I——-play

Always had a rhythm sense that
Gets me out of sync
People think I’m crazy
Or I’ve had too much to drink

When I hear a tune that
Has odd time or a weird phrase
It makes me start humming it
To see where the beat lays

I’m offbeat-always been
On off beats- uncommon that way
I’m not neat never been
I’m offbeat –don’t know “when”
I have a little game that I——-play

OFFICE GIRL

She loves, loves, loves to talk non-stop
She loves, loves, loves to talk non-stop

Office girl
Shares her world of vast experience
Must be the smallest planet in creation
On she goes
No one knows if she’s quite making sense
But she excels at volume and duration
She’s totally lacking conversational invention
Never feels secure unless she has someones’ attention
Her kids do well in school
Says the secretary pool

Office girl
Tells us more of her great married life
Must be a marriage that was made in heaven
Seems no one could have such fun as husband and wife
Especially with kids of ten and seven
Intelligence and beauty aren’t the only thing she lacks
The stories that she’s telling are some distance from the facts
Her husband is a fool
Thinks the secretary pool

She loves, loves, loves to talk non©stop
She loves, loves, loves to talk non©stop

Office girl
Comes to work one day in tearful silence
One can finally hear the other noises in the place
Then she cries and tells us why in words of bitter violence
Her husband found another girls’ embrace
She still can’t believe that her man found something missing
Everyone was not surprised, for she would never listen
It’s kinder to be cruel
Knows the secretary pool

She loves, loves, loves to talk non©stop
She loves, loves, loves to talk non©stop

OLDER BUT NOT UP

I was told when I was young
That someday I’d be a man
That I’d outgrow all my baby toys
And follow Nature’s plan
But I’ve found out that it isn’t like
A kitten or a pup
I find I’m growing older but not up

Yes, they say you’ll go to school
And someday you’ll be smart
You’ll stumble through the system
And find your counterpart
But I’ve found there are no rules
We all have to improvise
And I find I’m growing older but not wise

I’ve substituted contents of my bottles
I have toys now that cost a whole lot more
I whine a little louder than I used to
I crawl to work instead of on the floor

So now I’m telling someone else
You have to act your age
But adulthood’s not that far removed
From the playpen or the stage
There are lots of holes on someones’ plan
But it’s really not that bad
And I find I’m growing older and I’m glad

I’d like to make a simple toast
To life I raise my cup
As I continue to grow older but not up

ON CHRISTMAS EVE

I met her in a chatroom
I saw her photo posted there
I’ve always had a “thing” for older gals
Didn’t mind all the gray hair
I thought she was a sweetheart
And we E-mailed back and forth
She said she’d like to meet me
If I’d only come up north

I have to tell you, people
It was the best night of my life
It didn’t bother me at all
That she was someone else’s wife
This story might sound crazy
But I ask you to believe
That I boinked Mrs. Santa Claus On Christmas Eve

I traveled there by reindeer
A great expanse of ice
I met her at a little red/green house
She was jovial and nice
She told me she’d been lonely
Her hubby left her to herself
And she’d never felt attracted
To a toymaker or elf

I got to tell you, people
It had the best time of my life
It didn’t bother me at all
That she was some fat ass’s wife
This story might sound crazy
But I ‘d like you to believe
That I boffed Mrs. Santa Claus On Christmas Eve

I decked the halls, I harked the herald, jingled all the way
O, come all ye unfaithful -is what I sang that day

I’m glad we weren’t discovered
For her old man was out all night
She said that he’d be very busy
Treating other people right
I don’t regret a minute
For it was very pleasant
But I noticed when I got back home
I got anthrax as a present

But I have to tell you, people
It was the best night of my life
It didn’t bother me at all
That she was some big legend’s wife
This story might sound crazy
But I want you to believe
That I banged Mrs. Santa Claus On Christmas Eve

Yes, I nailed Mrs. Santa Claus on Christmas eve…

ONCE A YEAR

Christmas comes but once a year
So make the most of it
Re-listen to those songs so dear
Each one a major hit
It’s time for generosity
There are plenty open hands
Say goodby to animosity
And hello to major brands

Once a year it’s Christmas
Once a year it’s green and red
It’s living for the present
For the past just won’t lay down
And act dead

Remember those traditions
Don’t be like Ebeneezer
For if you do, your social life
Will end up in the freezer
Christmas comes but once a year
So relish every little bit
It’s over very quickly
After six or seven weeks of it

Yes, once a year it’s christmas
Once a year the same old thing
Go to the malls and listen
You can hear the cash registers ring

ONE MAN

On the roller coaster of love
I’ve had my yups and clowns
I’ve been carnal in the carnival 
When the circus came to town
But now I’m going steady
With the best one that I’ve found
I think I’m finally ready
To love one man and settle down

And I said that I’d be true, now
For our love was so sublime
For I’ve never cheated on a lover
With more than one man at a time

He said he felt unsure
He didn’t want to trust
I tried to make him feel secure
I told him I would tame my lust
This time would be forever
Yes, this time would be a must
This time I would never
Let our love crumble into dust

I said that I’d be honest
That I’d commit no crime
For I’ve never cheated on a lover
With more than one man at a time

It was a movie screen romance
And I played a leading part
As the credits rolled my name
The music throbbed like Mozart
It seemed to me the end
Came soon after the start
I’ll splice the film and try again 
To watch “Affairs of the Heart”

I said that I’d be back now
Another mountain I would climb
And I’ll never cheat again
With more than one man at a time

ONWARD

Never know what you’ll find
In the mind of a person you know
Never show what’s behind
We’re so blind and we’re rather slow

Looking in, looking out
From the doubt and the walls we erect
It’s so hard every day
See the way from the falls we inspect

Onward
Stumble on this road
Onward
Trying to crack the code
Onward
To the bitter end

Never know who to trust
When to lust, when to grab a chance
Always go where you must
In the dust when you weren’t asked to dance

Looking out, looking in
Where you’ve been, where are you going to
Need to love, need to eat
Who you meet is what gets us all through

Onward
Stumble on the way
Onward
Make it through each day
Onward
To the bitter end

ORGAN RECITAL

My heart is full of pain
I can hear my stomach growl
My ankle’s got a sprain
And my face has a big scowl
My knees are growing weak
My bladder’s sprung a leak
But every part of me is in love with you

My ears are burning hotly
My eyeballs see a blur
My noise is running snotly
And my tongue’s picked up a slur
My throat is going dry
I think I now know why
For every part of me is in love with you

I know I’m not in the best of shape
I’ve never eaten right or lifted weights
Some parts of me stay on with tape and glue
But I try to hold it together just for you

My hands are always shaking
My palms are always damp
My bones are often aching
And my leg has got a cramp
My liver’s almost shot
My brain has got a clot
But the whole big mess is in love with you

ORGY

This event is very special, dear
I want to look my best
You’re going to wear a suit and tie
And one expensive vest
For me it’s a lot harder —I just don’t know what to wear
I need your wise opinion to prepare

So what should I wear to the Orgy?
Don’t want to be underdressed Before I bare my chest
Oh, what should I wear for the Orgy?
Though my clothes won’t be on long
I want my first impression to be strong

This evening will be special
With the loving people there
How can I  choose the perfect shoes 
Or even underwear?
It’s ever so important —To set the tone just right
For me it just might be a real long night

So how should I dress for the Orgy?
I want the party guests to flip
When they see the things I strip
Oh, how should I dress for the Orgy?
I want to turn every head 
Before the whole gang hits the great big bed!

So what should I peel at the orgy?
I want to show my stuff Before I’m in the buff
Want to show my appeal at the orgy
I’ll dress to impress
Sometimes just a little more is less

Sometimes just a little more, more, more, more…..

OVERCOMING THE GAG REFLEX

When I was a little kid, I was very insecure
And humor is an outlet for the young and immature
Some of my role models were named Larry, Curly, Moe
I was always lighting matches to a toe

I couldn’t make a friend, and I tried so very hard
As the life of every party, I was told I was a card
But at my eleventh birthday, there was no one there to hug
Must have been that phony poo-poo on the rug

And when I was a teenager, I would overcompensate
I would crack a lot of jokes, but I couldn’t get a date
I would ask a classmate out, but she’d tell me to drop dead
I guess she didn’t like the arrow through my head

Then I went to get a job, and the interview went swell
The personnel director said insurance I would sell
I would have had an office and a couple dozen grand
If not for that joy buzzer in my hand

Well I finally got sued, for I guess I got too cute
Because my dribble glass got grape juice on some guy’s expensive suit
Things went from bad to worse, and I knew I was a goner
When I used my whoopie cushion on His Honor

I guess I got what I deserved
I guess I got what I had coming
Should have used a paper check when I paid bail
I must give the court my thanks
I’m completely cured of pranks
There are very few that laugh in this here jail

OVERSIZED PUPPY

She said I was a big puppy dog with great big feet
And when I got bigger I’d outgrow the yard
She’d either have to move 
Or throw me in the street
Or maybe keep me as her bodyguard

She takes me for a walk with that leash on me each day
Yes, her feelings for me sure the hell are mixed
She said she’d trade me in
If I did not obey
If I’m not careful she might have me fixed

I’m just her oversized puppy
Her slobbery great dane
She locks me in the bedroom
For she says I am a pain
I’m her oversized puppy
What will she do with me?
I hope she let’s me stop here by this tree

Now I’ve gotten bigger and I hope that she won’t sail off
I sit here by the window hoping she’ll come home
And then I hear her call
And I almost wag my tail off
And I’m hoping that tonight we’ll share a bone

I’m just her oversized puppy
A pet she cannot hide
She takes me in her car
For I’m in it for the ride
I’m her oversized puppy
What will she do with me?
She’ll either take me in or else she’ll set me free

I’m just her oversized puppy
Her slobbery great dane
She locks me in the bedroom
And I leave an awful stain
I’m her oversized puppy
What will she do with me?
She’ll either take me in or else she’ll set me free

PEDESTAL

When I was a little girl
I was told someday I’d meet my prince
And I’d go and live in his castle
I wasn’t too hard to convince
Well, sure enough he came along
And he made his love very plain
He said he’d put me up on a pedestal
But he left me out in the rain

Our lives got homey and domestic
We had a couple kids to prove our love
I knew that while he was working hard
It was me that he was thinking of
And he’d come home tired and quiet
And I didn’t want to add to the strain
Yes, he put me up on a pedestal
But left me out in the rain

He told me many times I was his goddess
He said it was only me he adored
But promises must be backed up with the deeds
And I started feeling lonely and ignored

So I left him and I took the kids away
You should have seen the look on his face
He cried and begged for me to return
He said no one would ever take my place
But my emotions had all turned to stone
It’s true, a statue feels no pain
He put me up on that pedestal
But forever left me out in the rain

PERFECT XMAS TREE

A tree! A tree! The perfect Christmas tree!
It doesn’t feel like Christmas without the perfect tree
It’s something that you must have and you cannot disagree
I’ve got to have the perfect Christmas tree

A tree! A tree! The perfect Christmas tree!
It doesn’t feel like Christmas without the perfect tree
It’s something that you must have and you cannot disagree
I’ve got to have the perfect Christmas tree

It always looks so festive
It always smells of pine
It once lived in the forest
And now it’s dead, but mine
To make my loved ones happy
I’d travel space and time
So take me to the place that bears the sign

A tree! A tree! The perfect Christmas tree!
It doesn’t feel like Christmas without the perfect tree
The whole extended family will be so proud of me
I’ve got to have the perfect Christmas tree

My kids spend many hours
Making it look right
The customary trinkets
The strings of burning light
So I must buy a winner
No matter what the cost
Work overtime to make up what I lost

A tree! A tree! The perfect Christmas tree!
It doesn’t feel like Christmas without the perfect tree
Last year my neighbor had a better on than me
I’ve got to have the perfect Christmas tree

To avoid the fire hazard
I always cut it fresh
I roam the lot to pick one
Then chop into its flesh
I drag it through the traffic
Though I can hardly see
I’m hoping everyone drives carefully

A tree! A tree! The perfect Christmas tree!
It doesn’t feel like Christmas without the perfect tree
Here comes another pick-up truck who doesn’t notice me
I’ve got to have ………..

POLITICALLY INCORRECT

I’m a little too male
And a little too white
I don’t lean to the left
I don’t lean to the right
I somehow don’t fit in
I can’t seem to connect
I’ve discovered that I’m
Politically incorrect

I never joined a church
Don’t belong to a “persuasion”
It used to be the thing to be
A middle class caucasian
Never had a disability
Or mental defect
That’s why I’m now so
Politically incorrect

It’s almost out of “vogue”
To be just a heterosexual
If you’re not bi or an artificial guy
You’re politically ineffectual
If you call someone a name
You’d better show respect
Or you’ll be labeled in the press
As “politically incorrect”

I’m more than a little upset
I’m sore and not amused
Just because of who I am
I find I get abused
I guess I’ll form a group
And write the people we elected
Then maybe I will find myself
Politically corrected

POP UP MOMMA

I was surfing there on Google working on my P.H.D.
When I must have typed a letter wrong and hit the “enter” key
And there she was in all her glory beckoning me on
I took one look at her and I was gone

I hit my “favorites” button as she began to flash
In my haste I kicked the power strip and my computer crashed
And when I had rebooted, and gotten back on line
She had disappeared in cyberspace and time

Now she’s my Pop-up Momma
My Goddess of the net
I’m searching for her every day
I haven’t found her yet
I’ve tried Babe Dot Comma
And a thousand other sites
The search for her is wasting all my nights

I didn’t catch her name or her lengthy web address
But I won’t give up looking, till I achieve success
I know she’s in there somewhere and I’ll bring her back to me
After all how many porn sites can there be?

Yes, she’s my Pop-up Momma
My Goddess of the net
I’ll pay for DSL until I’m wallowing in debt
I’ve tried “Girl with llama”
And a thousand other sites
The search for her is wasting all my nights

But she’s my Pop-up Momma
My Goddess of the net
I’m searching for her every day
I haven’t found her yet
I’ve tried Alpha Beta Gamma
And every other key
I hope someday she’ll come on back to me

PORTOSAN

The atmosphere is thick
There’s a fear I can’t defeat
The walls are closing in
As I get near the hot seat
It’s trials like this
That turns a boy into a man
As I endure the torture
Of the Port-o-san

Like a plastic monolith
It stands there on the lot
Very green and artificial
And inside, stale and hot
I enter with a shudder
Wishing that I had a fan
As I brave the adventure
Of the Port-o-san

My business now complete
I run out and gasp for breath
There are many ways to die
Besides the final mortal death
I’d be a weathy person
If I came up with a plan
That ended any need
For a Port-o-san

POSTCARD

Well, it’s six o’clock in the morning
I awake and find that you’re gone
Vacations are so short but when you’re home
They feel so long
And as I rise
I think of you and smile
For in a while
I’ll be getting your postcard
But till then my emotions are a ghostyard

Now as I’m making breakfast
My gaze falls to the floor
I notice a small paper
That I hadn’t seen before
My spirits start to soar
For I see that it’s from you
As I read it ten times through that postcard
Staring for so long makes my toast hard

I see our whole world in this postcard
Everything that makes me think of you
Pictures from you mean much more than words do

I’m glad you’re having lots of fun
I wish that I could be there
It’s such a lovely picture
With the surf and sand and sea there
I’ll love you through the mail
And I see the boat and sail
Hailing me from your lovely postcard
And in the distance
I can even see the Coast Guard

PRAISE THE LORD

Back in the old Bible days
We looked to God with so much fear
We begged for His forgiveness
And we prayed for the sky to clear
We read about the great flood
And how He turned a woman to salt
And He drowned a whole lot of egyptians
Though it really wasn’t their fault

It’s been a long time since He sent his son
And we’ve been pretty much on our own
I just want to say on this beautiful day
“Praise the Lord!” Now He leaves us alone

I know that we’re often not nice
There is plenty of dishonest men
But study the stories in the Holy Book
And you’ll be glad that you weren’t living then
I think that our dear Lord has mellowed
I think that He’s acting His age
Now if you worship someone that isn’t Him
He doesn’t fly off in a rage

It’s been a long time since old Noah’ ark
And we haven’t blown up the place yet
I just want to say on this cloudy day
“Praise the Lord!” Cause He don’t get upset

I hear on the news about crime
And the people who cheat on their spouses
I’ve seen every sin that there’s ever been
Most of them in my relatives’ houses
But it’s better than biblical times
When your first©born could go on the block
And an apple could get you in trouble
And you had to be part of some flock

It’s been a long time since the garden and such
I’m glad all that wrath stuff is through
And I’d just like to say on this thunderous day
“Praise the Lord!” Don’t call us, we’ll call you

PUMPING A DRY WELL L

The mine has been stripped
It’s now bereft of ore
The lemon has been squeezed of every drop
The leeches drained the blood
The vacuum’s sucked the floor
Just tell me when this waste is going to stop

The forest’s now a desert
It used to have some green
There’s nothing in the barrel left to scrape
Now that the vultures had their say
The bones have been picked clean
You built the jail now there’s no escape

You’re pumping a dry well
There’s nothing in it left
But the memories and the smell
You’re pumping a dry well
What once had life is now an empty shell

You’ve thrown it all away
Flushed it right down the commode
The savings of a decade gone so quick
You dragged your heavy feet
Like a tortoise on the road
And now you’re shocked because you’re up the creek

Yes, once you had it all
But it still wasn’t enough
You had to have your cake and eat it too
You lost your sense of justice
Now you’re losing all your stuff
There will be nothing left when you are through

From pumping a dry well
The hole is dark and deep
And continues down to hell
You’re pumping a dry well
Your soul will be the last thing left to sell

PUT YOUR JESUS GLASSES ON

Put your Jesus glasses on and you’ll know the wrong from right
Put your Jesus glasses on and you’ll focus all the light
If your world seems all a-blurry
There’s a cure for all your worry
Your problems will be gone put your Jesus glasses on

I drove the Devil’s highway
And I couldn’t see the signs
All my maps led me to side roads
They just showed me crooked lines
I stayed in Motel 6’s often three times a week
And I wondered why my life was up the creek

Then I put my Jesus glasses on the prescription was so right
I put those Jesus glasses on and I focused all the light
If your world seems all a-blurry
There’s a cure for all your worry
Your problems will be gone put your Jesus glasses on

All my lovers came and went 
They were searching just like me
We were stumbling in the darkness
We were vain and could not see
When finally I saw the word I didn’t have to squint
And suddenly could read the finest print

When I put my Jesus glasses on and I gained a new insight
I put those Jesus glasses on and I focused all the light
If your world seems all a-blurry
There’s a cure for all your worry
Your problems will be gone put your Jesus glasses on

Put your Jesus glasses on and you’ll know the wrong from right
Put those jesus glasses on and you’ll focus all the light
If your world seems all a-blurry
There’s a cure for all your worry
Your problems will be gone put your Jesus glasses on

If your world seems all a-blurry
There’s a cure for all your worry
Your problems will be gone
Put your Jesus glasses on

READY TO PERFORM IN THE BEDROOM

Oh, the commercial on the radio said if I take THIS pill
I’d be ready to perform in the bedroom
So I went down to my druggist and prescription he did fill
So I’d be ready to perform in the bedroom!

And when I got back home, I popped a couple down
I invited the wife in, told her “Honey, watch me now!”
I picke up my guitar and sang a favorite song
I said “Was it good for you?” And she said:
“Dear, those ads were wrong”.

“But the commercial on the radio said if I take THIS pill
I’d be ready to perform in the bedroom!”
And now I’m feeling foolish cause I just don’t feel the skill
I’m not ready to perform in the bedroom

So I tried another act, I got out mu juggling balls
And I tossed them in the air, and they bounced on down the hall
The I read some Shakespeare lines, to try out my acting chops
And the wife laughed out loud and said I’d only star in flops….

Yet the commercial on the radio said if I take THIS pill
I’d be ready to perform in the bedroom
I think, that announcer, I really like to kill
Still not ready to perform in the bedroom

I thought I’d be a better man, that shouldn’t be so hard
Won’t be doing that again, felt like a big retard!

These “performance” enhancers are nothing but a lie
They just take your money, and leave you high and dry
I felt so upset about the lack of good effects
I looked at my wife and said “Dear, we might as well have sex!”

(Cause I’m suddenly in the mood……..)

REBOUND WOMAN

Broke up with my darling, left me for another
Funny lookin’ guy who should have been her brother
Felt I was stranded on a reef
But I couldn’t hide my anger, couldn’t hide my grief
Needed someone right away
To mask the pain

Went out on a limb, climbed another tree
Someone seemed attracted to the loneliness in me
Got right back on that horse
Immediately, of course
Needed someone who would say
I’d love again

Rebound, rebound, rebound gal
Came in as a lover
Went out as a pal
Rebound, rebound, rebound woman
Sometimes you’re not ready and you get
What you got comin’

Holes in my britches, holes in my emotions
One is fixed with stitches, one feels like the oceans
Can’t believe I’m back out there
For it’s always been a jungle, always so unfair
Still need someone to stay
And share the strain

Rebound, rebound, rebound gal
Came in as a lover
Went out as a pal
Rebound, rebound, rebound woman
Sometimes you’re not ready and you get
What you got comin’

RED GREEN COLOR BLINDNESS BLUES

I can’t see no color
I’m as blind as a bat
My world is awash in shades of grey
It was rough growin’ up
I was one sorry cat
That’s why this old guitar I play

I got the red-green color blindness blues
If only I could see the difference
Maybe my suit would match my shoes

I can’t call you yellow
Cause everything’s black and white
To me the color purple’s just a flick
I won’t catch you red-handed
Cause of my limited eyesight
I guess I’ll just play just one more lick

I got the red-green color blindness blues
I’ll never know a rainbow
But I can read the morning news

(Blues Jam)

I got the red-green color blindness blues
I don’t need no kid’s crayolas
I just need a way to express my washed out views…

REDGRASS SONG

I’ll tell you a true tale
Of a tortured sorry life
A driver hit my dog
But he missed the old ex-wife
And then my house burned down
Before it was insured
This story is the gospel every word

There was blood on the pavement
Red on the grass
Telling me this hasn’t been my day
All of my dreams are
Shattered like the glass
I guess I just better learn to pray

Then my life got stranger
Locusts ate my crops
Rain and big tornados
The flooding never stops
My whole town was destroyed
In the last 8-0 earthquake
There isn’t very much here left to break

And there is blood on the pavement
Red on the grass
Telling me this hasn’t been my week
All of my dreams are
Shattered like the glass
It looks like we are really up the creek

The sun has just gone nova
The flash was very bright
And us here on this planet
Know the jig is up tonight
I’ll see you in the next world
The so-called afterlife
And if my luck don’t change
I’ll still be paying off the wife

And there is blood on the pavement
Red on the grass
Telling me this hasn’t been my year
All of my dreams are
Shattered like the glass
It looks like there is nothing left to fear

REMEMBER THE ALAMO

Oh, down in old San Antonio
They got this sacred place
Where fought the men like Davy Crockett
They say come on, we’re friendly
Com and show your face
Your tourist money goes in
The city’s pocket

You can’t shoot pictures in the Alamo
You can’t shoot your mouth off in the Alamo
Or you might get shot in the Alamo
For that’s where a lot of cowboys died

You gotta show respect at the Alamo
You gotta genuflect at the Alamo
Or you might get ejected from the Alamo
Cause those Texans got their pride

You can’t sleep or snore at the Alamo
You can’t stomp the floor at the Alamo
Or they’ll show you the door at the Alamo
They’re very strict inside

You gotta be quiet in the Alamo
Or you might start a riot in the Alamo
And they’ll boot you from the Hyatt near the Alamo
Watch out for Texan pride

You can’t take a picture in the Alamo
For it’s a place you must revere
But someone took a picture in the Alamo
You can buy one in the gift shop
As a two dollar souvenir

Yeehah!

REPETITION

What makes a song a big seller today
Repetition, repetition
What makes a song a lot easier to play
Repetition, repetition

You don’t need to be a slave
From your birthday to your grave
Practicing those scales for years
You don’t need to read or write
Or to go to school at night
To have rock and roll careers

What do you do to hypnotize a crowd
Repetition, repetition
And if they resist, then you just play it loud
Repetition, repetition

You don’t need to be discreet
You just have to have a beat
Get a goofy gimmick and some words
And then sing them twenty times
It don’t mater if it rhymes
It don’t matter if it sounds absurd

It’s not as if you’d notice
That there’s nothing said
As long as your foot’s tapping
You’re not thinking with your head

How did you learn all the things that you know?
Repetition, repetition
What do you sound like when your mind doesn’t grow?
Repetition, repetition
Where’s the musical training in our neighborhood schools?
Repetition, repetition
They’re trimming the budget and turning out fools
Repetition, repetition

RHYME DOESNT PAY

I’ve always been a poet
In my heart and my soul
I’ve never ever tried my hand at prose
Yes, rhythm and structure
Have always been my goal
But people tell me “Oh, you’re one of those”

It’s hard to get respect
When you have a way with words
The public doesn’t hear the things you say
And as for making money
This job is for the birds
I know for sure that rhyme doesn’t pay

I’ve been to many publishers
To newspapers and stores
I’ve tried to sell the poems in my book
But though I’ve been persistent
Stuck my foot in many doors
It seems no one gives me a second look

I know my stuff is great
As I write it in my hovel
I crank out half a dozen every day
But all I hear is “give it up!”
Or, “Why don’t you write a novel?”
I’m telling you that rhyme just doesn’t pay

It’s a poets’ life to be so full of strife
It’s hard to get a wife but it’s okay
I do it for the art for it comes from the heart
I knew right from the start rhyme doesn’t pay

Now I’m walking down the road
And I hear a noisy sound
It’s someone talking loud but rhyming good
He’s got a drum machine
And spinning on the ground
His clothes and hair remind me of a hood

And then I realize
This is where the money be
You got to say your poems to a beat
And grammar don’t be need’n
And the spelling kind of free
I guess rhyme gets some respect..
In the street

ROADKILL CAFE

If you’re feeling kinda hungry
And you’re not that big on romance
Come have dinner at our diner
Try a little game of chance
For the menu’s always different
It depends on what’s out there
The cook is waitin’ with a shovel
For our daily bill of fare

We’re on the highway near a curve
And the woods are quite alive
But the truckers never swerve
Or go less than 85
There’s always something in the pot
It’s the special of the day
We’ll just see what’s out on the lot
At the Road Kill Cafe

There’s usually a chicken
That tries to cross the road
There’s usually some reptiles
Like a snake or horny toad
We like to get a deer
That keeps us busy for a week
But we hate to get those skunks
‘Cause the whole place starts to reek

We’re on the highway near a curve
And the woods are quite alive
But the truckers never swerve
Or go less than 85
There’s always something in the pot
It’s the special of the day
Sometimes we don’t know what we got
At the Road Kill Cafe

On the menu here tonight
We got a tasty baked racoon
We guarantee it’s fresh
‘Cause it went splat this afternoon
We also got a chef’s surprise
It came in really flat
It’s either possum or a badger
Or else somebody’s cat
So come on down tonight
Bring the wife and kiddies here
We’ll whet your appetite
With a salad and a beer
And remember every child
Gets a rabbit’s foot for luck
Each patterned with the tread
From the tires of the truck

We’re on the highway near a curve
And the woods are quite alive
But the truckers never swerve
Or go less than 85
There’s always something in the pot
It’s the special of the day
‘Cause we don’t let nothin’ ever rot
At the Road Kill Cafe

SHAUNA RAE

Our family is now complete
You filled the missing fraction
And everyone is pleased to meet
The newest main attraction
We can’t believe we finally
Went and had you
Wait ’til we get a chance
To Mom and Dad you

Shauna Rae Shauna Rae
Born today now she’s here to stay
She the little girl we longed for
She’s the one we sing this song for
Shauna Rae Shauna Rae
That’s the name we’re gonna say

You’re going to make a lot of friends
You’re going to be a cutie
How can you miss?
With genes like this
You sure surpassed our beauty
Wonderful how the laws of chance
Have blessed us
Were so darned happy
Someone should arrest us

Shauna Rae Shauna Rae
Born today now she’s here to stay
She’s the little girl we longed for
She’s the one we sing this song for
Shauna Rae Shauna Rae
That’s the name we’re gonna say
That’s the song to you we play

SHE AIN’T THE WOMAN I DON’T LOVE

I ain’t got nobody in my life
I don’t have no woman in my home
And it’s great she ain’t got no feelings for me
I don’t have to write her no love poem

I ain’t got no one to have and hold
She ain’t got nothin’ positive to say
And she’ll always push me out no door
I don’t feel no love for her today

She ain’t the woman I don’t love
My words roll off my tongue and back again
She ain’t the woman I’m not thinking of
As I sing this double negative refrain

And I want her to never leave
I want her to say no rotten things
She can’t make me do nothing for her
I won’t never know nothing that love don’t bring

She ain’t the woman I don’t love
My word roll off my tongue and back again
She ain’t the woman I’m not thinking of
As I sing my double negative refrain

SHE CALLS ME

She loves me, holds me, she shapes me and molds me
In my life, she’s the complete kit
She gets me, knows me, hears me, consoles me
Best of all, she calls me on my shit
 
She smells the B.S., she sorts through the crap
Knows when I make a mess and which things that I say to scrap
There’s no pulling the wool over her green and lovely eyes
She doesn’t let my turds collect the flies
 
She loves me, holds me, she shapes me and molds me
Lets me know when I’m a hypocrite
She gets me, knows me, hears me, cajoles me
Best of all, she calls me on my shit
 
Uses a scooper, sifts through the litter
She’s such a trouper, somehow I fit her
Sniffs out the sewage, plunges the drain
Even though I’m hard to potty train
 
She loves me, holds me, she shapes me and molds me
Separates sarcasm from my wit
She gets me, knows me, hears me, bathroom bowls me
Best of all, she calls me on my shit
　
　
SHES MY GIRL

She’s my girl
Stuck with me forever, this I feel
All our days together
I can’t believe she is real

She loves me
Though I’m often cruel or I curse the world
If I was a jeweler
She would be my pearl

Yes, I know I’m going home to her tonight
And I know no other place that makes me feel so right

People have to live, have to laugh a lot
Someone there to give
Not to take everything you got

She’s my world
Puts me in my place when I am wrong
I look into her face
And I know I belong

Yes, I know I’m going home to her tonight
And I know no other place that makes me feel so right
If you’re like those guys who hang around
And drink in smoky dives
Something’s very wrong, you’re living lousy lives
People have to live, have to love, have to laugh a lot
Someone there to give
Not to take everything you got

She’s my girl
Someone that I don’t get tired of
Someone who just won’t let
Me ever lose my love

SHOES FULL OF SAND

When you go dancing the night away
See a show- Rock and roll band
Call on me, I’ll be there right away
Holding your delicate hand

We’ve not been Romeo/Juliet
Way back when we had our fun
Our life just like russian rouliette
Gave us a daughter and son

When I’m sad you always cheer me up
I’m so glad you’re in my life
You always know when to beer me up
That’s why I made you my wife

I can’t gripe, though I still bitch and swear
You’re my type, the one I dreamed of
Our house is full of useless kitchenware
But I still call you my love

When we go dancing the night away
Fast or slow, be in my band
Call on me, I’ll be there right away
Holding your devilish hand

Making another demand

Emptying shoes full of sand

SIMPLE LIFE

My house in Bel-Aire
My big easy chair
Prove I’m a man of position
My large city cars
And my Cuban cigars
Are the fruits of a life-long ambition

Yes, somehow it seems
I’ve achieved all my dreams
But still there’s an untold desire
Were I to do it again
I think that I would refrain
For there is little I really require

I wanna sit in a tree with my harmonica
I want a simpler life on a farm
I want some cows named Lucille and Veronica
And be dating the local school marm

My butler and maid
I would happily trade
For a tumble down shack on the range
My gardener and cook
I would swap for a brook
Yes, I’m ready for some kind of change

I want to go to a dance and play violin
A hillbilly hoedown for me
We’d all head for a hay stack and pile in
And forget about things like money

I wanna sit on a horse in the countryside
I want to find a new garden to hoe
My love for the city has up and died
There’s a much better place I can go
There’s a much better place I can go

SOLUTION, THE

My wife and I have been together
For quite a lengthy spell
Although sometimes it’s bumpy
We’ve found Heaven through the Hell
It’s these few simple words
That’s kept us married for so long
I tell her I’m a dick, that she was right and I was wrong

And just like real-life magic
Or a medical breakthrough
It fixes every problem
And bonds us just like glue
It’s those great simple words
That keeps our love so strong
I tell her I’m a dick, that she was right and I was wrong

Sometimes the solution means you must dig deep inside
Got to pick your battles carefully
There’s no big revolution when you swallow all your pride
There’s always something on which that you
Both agree…………..

So if you’re just like us
And want to keep the peace
My advice for menfolk
If you want the war to cease
Is say those simple words
Or sing them in a song
Just tell her you’re a dick, that she was right and you were wrong

SOON

There’s a moron in our house
And diseases on the prowl
There are animals afoot
And the odor’s getting foul
Love is getting hard, life is getting rough
This planet is about to call our bluff
The Apocalypse can’t come soon enough

Our music follows formulas
The movies are all sequels
The books all sound alarms
And we didn’t heed the prequels
Laughter’s hard to find, Lady Libertys’ in ruin
We’re just about to hear the final tune
The Apocalypse is coming very soon

The signs are very clear
The cut-off point is near
But there’s no need to fear
The coming end
We’re standing on the ledge
It’s like a razor edge
There’s no bets left to hedge
The Earth is done, my friend

So welcome the new plague
We’ll get a nice clean slate
Just restart the clock
Begin a brand-new date
It’s getting hard to breath, each one might be your last
Have a party, make sure it’s a blast
The Apocalypse is coming very fast

SORRY

We share a lot of love, we share a lot of faults
But usually you’re up when I am down
And sometimes I don’t say the words you want to hear
But I’m still so happy that you’re still around

Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one upset
I know you sometimes ask me “what’s the use?”
I hope that you’re not ready to give up on me yet
Because I’m sorry and I have no good excuse

We share a lot of laughs, we share a lot of fears
Your mind is sometimes here when mine is there
But even when I’m angry or too quick to criticize
I want you to know that even then I care

Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one who aches
Sometimes we ignore the things we planned
I’ll make a small confession, I’ve made some big mistakes
And I’m sorry and I know you understand

Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one in pain
I’m like a mule it’s often hard to move me
It’s much too complicated when I over-explain
Well, I’m sorry and I’ll try to improve me

SPORTS AND BEER

I used to be a considerate guy
Just ask my wonderful wife
But something changed, I think I know why
I let obsession enter my life
I got into athletics and brew
Guys hitting balls with a stick
After seven innings I knew
Sports and beer turned me into a dick

Sports and beer, sports and beer Can we talk about when my head’s clear
Sports and beer, sports and beer There’s a game on every day of the year

I used to say, “I love you Fran”
She’d tell me she felt just the same
Now it’s “Honey get me another can”
It’s time for another big game
I’m watching big guys running down the grass
Til my thickening neck gets a crick
It seems I don’t get off of my ass
Sports and beer turned me into a prick

Sports and beer, sports and beer Can we talk about it later my dear
Sports and beer, sports and beer There’s a game on every day of the year

Hockey and golf, basketball too
Buds and the buddies all share
Boxing and wrestling gets us all through
But now my old lady just glares

I chip in all of the office pools
Covering every bet
Arguing all of the college rules
Don’t think I’ve won the pot yet
But I’ll be cheering some home team again
I think competition’s a kick
As an A-hole, I rate a “10”
Sports and beer turned me into a prick

Sports and beer, sports and beer Can we talk about it when I can hear?
Sports and beer, sports and beer There’s a game on every day of the year

STACCATO

Words are sharp and pointed
Every one I see and hear
Separate and disjointed
Rat-a-tat on my ear
Like a big jackhammer
Pounds into my brain
Won’t be very before
I go insane

It’s all staca-ca-cato
Zeros and ones repeat
It’s all staca-ca-cato
A tiny rest, then the beat

Work gets done two-noted
Too much cut and paste
The products get promoted
Where went all the taste?
Like automatic weapons
Rounds keep being fired
How long can we go on
Feeling wired?

It’s all staca-ca-cato
The strings get too much bow
My life needs more legato
The tempo needs to slow

STUCK IN THIS TOWN

Stuck in this town
Stuck in this town
Just can’t believe that I’m still here
That I can’t leave and so I’m
Stuck in this town
Stuck in this town
It’s for your company I stay

Stuck in this town mmmm
Stuck in this town mmmm
Watching the strangers come and
Most of the old friends go I’m
Stuck in this town mmmm
Stuck in this town mmmm
I know I’ll never get away

There’s so much doubt that I just can’t get out
There’s so many places with less rodent races
There’s so much to see but I just can’t break free
I don’t want to be one of the crowd

And since I can’t find a niche, I’ll just sit here and bitch
Sit in my rut with my couch on my butt
And a bad attitude at my life that is viewed
With a voice that is singing too loud …Yeah!

Stuck in this town
Stuck in this town
They tell me to make the best of it
Try to enjoy the rest of it
Stuck in this town
Stuck in this town
But there’s a woman who makes my day

And maybe someday we’ll get away…..?*(Thanks Mari)

SUCH A MAN

I met him at a sunny shore
He was the one I’d waited for
A man to beat all men
Sculpted like a bronze Rodin
I instantly became a fan
I was in love right then
Once I saw him there’d be no others
We talked about about our nagging mothers
Then I saw him hug his “brothers”
And I knew I’d never have him
I cursed my awful luck
But forever I will say
He was such a man
Was much a man but also gay

I don’t know what got in my head
I guess that I had been misled
This was a co-ed beach
We sat and watched the buff guys flashin’
As he spoke of food and fashion
In that cute lisping speech
Now I’m not into perfection
And this guy passed first inspection
But he needed one correction
Cause I knew he’d never have me
And I cursed my lousy luck
As he pranced off towards the bay
He was such a man
Was much a man but also gay

Some things are a shameful waste
There’s no accounting people’s taste
There’s no explaining mine
That man was all my Playgirl dreams
But nothing is quite what it seems
But I refuse to pine
I just had my best friend phone me
So tonight I won’t be lonely
Though I’ve always loved men only
She’s coming right on over
We’ll curse our crummy luck
And we’ll have ourselves a cry

We’ll find something to do
Once we toss down a few
And we just might give something new a try…

TALKING TALKING TALKING

I’ve been playing the old club scene for forever and a day
I must do it for the music cause it isn’t for the pay
With each long drive I play some dive and don’t get home till four
But I sure wish the audience would listen to me more

For they go talking, talking, talking during my set
I know that every time I play they don’t hear a word I say
And they’re talking, talking, talking during my set
When everybody talks, I might as well be a jukebox

Now I’m up upon the stage again and singing my best song
The chorus is so catchy I just know they’ll sing along
But they don’t hear me through their beer I’m just a background noise
With everyone ignoring me, it’s hard to keep my poise

And they’re still talking, talking during my set
I hope I get someone’s attention by the time I draw a pension
And their talking, talking makes me upset
I wish they would all go home and save all their yakking for the phone

(crowd noise)

I’ve decided I’m all through with this old rock and roll band grind
I’ll give this crowd just one more chance to prove that they’re not blind
I know it’s rude, but I’ll play NUDE..perhaps they’ll notice me
I may not have been great to hear…..but I’m not bad to see

And now they’re cheering, cheering, cheering over my set
I never thought this lazy crowd would be hollering this loud
And they’re cheering, cheering, cheering about my set
If you’ve got it you should flaunt it, for it seems all the people want it
It seems all the people want it……………..Oh, I give up!

TATTOO

There are people in this world that must accessorize
Get a matching purse and dress and shoe
Then there are the ones with the adornments on their thighs
Who get themselves a great big fat tattoo

Sometimes one or two just doesn’t seem to be enough
Sometimes most of flesh is blocked from view
For each one applied the torture can get kind of rough
I guess it’s worth it for each fresh tattoo

There might still be room left on your body
Somewhere you can cram another in
Might have to be where some consider “naughty”
But at least you found a chunk of skin

solo

There’s a great backstory on your body
Something that is special just for you
Though sometimes the the image might seem gaudy
It will be right there your whole life through

And when you get old the shapes all change and colors fade
They don’t look the same as they did new
You can have them all removed with file and razor blade
Now scars remind you of that old tattoo

Ink created, Illustrated
So artistic, but sadistic
So extensive. and expensive
Self expression, an obsession
Each endeavor, there forever

THANKSGIVING

Darling 
Don’t be lonely now
It’s been a little trying through the years
Darling
Find your place somehow
And let’s forget the lying and the tears

Now it’s time to give our thanks for everything
I know this time it won’t be you and me
Still we must remember love is deafening
And though our ears are burning
It’s all a part of learning
It amplifies the yearning to be free

Darling 
It’s a biter game
The player in it never know the rules
The give and fake, the big mistake all stay the same
We don’t always win, but we never have to lose

Now’s the time to give our thanks to everyone
So I give my first-hand round to you
Still you must remember I was never one
To waste my time in grieving
So soon I will be leaving
But thanks for all he seething points of view

Darling
Let’s enjoy the holiday
The food and fun and family are all here
And though we really have nothing at all to say
The sight and sounds around should bring us cheer

Thanks for caring 
Thanks for sharing
Thanksgiving

THAT LOVE WORD

We’re doing everything together
You’re teaching me fun, I’m teaching you play
We seem like birds of a feather
We’re thinking about us almost every day
After four great months of loving the weather
There was just one thing that we needed to say
We got that “love” word out of the way

It was right there looking us both in the face
I liked you and you liked me
There’s a whole new us exploring the space
And eye to eye we seem to see

We’re trying out a lot of things
While going out, or wherever we stay
Adventure is whatever this romance brings
Planning out the month of May
Stretching out our brand new wings
There’s no more barriers or delay
We got that “love” word out of the way

It was the elephant in the den
It was the song as yet unwritten
I think we both were counting to “ten”
But it’s out now that we’re smitten

We’re doing everything as one
I’m teaching you games, you’re teaching me coping
We have no place left to run
We’re looking forward always hoping
After four great months of loving the sun
After several years of misery and moping
We got that “love” word into the open

THAT SAXOPHONE

I wanna rock
I wanna roll
I wanna play
A little soul
There’s just one thing
I gotta do
I must get rid of that guy on the saxophone

It’s so distract-
Ing when he blatts
Cuts off my words
And scares the cats
Till he is gone
I can’t relax
I must get rid of that guy on the alto sax

(solo)

I saw that he
Has contract signed
There’s no loophole
That I can find
No matter what
I gotta pay
So go and tell that saxophone he better play

(more solo)

THAT’S ENOUGH

I work for a big corporation in this land
I like my job, yes things are looking up
But ever since this drug testing thing got out of hand
Each month I have to fill a little cup

The boss says it’s the rule for every employee
Or else we’ll never climb the corporate ladder
I wonder whose idea it was to check one’s honesty
By checking out the contents of one’s bladder

Oh, how I wish they’d let me be
I do my job and I think that’s enough
I hate having someone watch me pee
And I wonder what they’re finding in that stuff

I spoke with my boss about my shyness in the John
I said that all my life I’ve used closed doors
He told he would miss me very much after I’m gone
So now I keep a plastic bottle in my drawers

Oh, how I wish they’d let me be
I do my job and I think that’s enough
I’ll get me revenge on them, you’ll see
I’ll show them some surprises in that stuff

Last time they called for samples
I used a trick or two
I slipped the lab a sample from my wife
The tests showed I was pregnant
And in eight months I’d be due
Now I’m interviewed by Newsweek, Time, and Life

And I think that’s enough!

THAT’S WHY I GAVE UP DRINKING

I used to hit the bars with my buddies
We liked to go on karaoke night
We’d get up on the mike and sing the songs we liked
And applaud when we got most of it right
Then my friend came in with a camcorder
And I watched my performance the next day
An eye opener it was, for I heard all of my flaws
That’s why I gave up drinking

I used to tell the bottle that I’d give it one more chance
After it cost me my wife
But after the cars, I just had to lose the bars
And find me another big romance

And I used to be employed with a comp’ny
We had a few too many while on breaks
In the afternoon a nap, and the boss would give me crap
And at work I’d make a few mistakes
Boy they’re strict when you’re an air traffic controller
Now they’re docking me for three weeks pay
Yes, a plane went on it’s side, but at least nobody died
And that’s why I gave up drinking

It’s an easy thing to do, you just have to see it through
I’d done it many times before
This time it’s gonna stick, for I’ve learned a little trick
You stop when you can’t get up off the floor

solo

I had the best time with my new gal
We made love and did all sorts of things
It was a very special night, and my world seemed very bright
It’s amazing what a new love brings
At least that what I heard the next morning
She remembered each detail
So the next thing we do, I want to be there too
And that’s why I gave up drinking

THEY TOOK THEM AWAY

One fine sunny day
They put me in the car
They took me to the guy they called “the vet
Something happened in there
Cause when I bent to clean my pair
I was missing a part of the set

Oh, they took them away, they took them away
How I wished they had stayed on me
Oh they showed no regret, doing this to their pet
How I wished they had stayed on me

That night I had a date
I always jump the fence
I was going to “get some” till that knife
Girls go look under there
Now there’s nothing but hair
They completely destroyed my love life

They took them away, they took them away
How I wished they had stayed on me
Oh they showed no regret, doing this to their pet
Not as frisky as I used to be

I loved the doggie park
Where bitches were in heat
We’d frolic after dark
And share some meat
I used to love the beach
Where crotches were in reach
Now I just want to sleep all day or bark

I used to chase that stick
And fetch their morning paper
And this is what I get for all my chores
Get you back for this gyp
You might come home and slip
From what I leave on your nice, clean floors

Cause they took them away, they took them away
How I wished they had stayed on me
Oh they showed no regret, doing this to their pet
Not as frisky as I used to be

THIS IS THE LIFE

I’m living in America
I’m living off the land
Don’t get a yearly salary
But I pull in thirty grand
How do I accomplish this?
I use my gun and knife
And rob my fellow citizens
Yes, this is the life

This is the life that nobody enjoys
But I have no real training or skills
So i steal and rob
Cause I can’t get a job
So please hand your money to me

You hear that crime just isn’t nice
I’ve found that’s not quite so
The cops have caught me once or twice
But they’ve always let me go
The courts are a revolving door
My lawyer is my wife
I’ve never had to beg before
Yes, this is the life

This is the life that I’d hoped to avoid
I’ll be glad when someday it’s all over
My history of crime
Will end sometime
Till then I’ll just get things for free

This is the life that’s so hard to maintain
Yesterday someone ripped off my stereo
It makes me upset
How low people can get
Whatever destroyed honesty?

Whatever destroyed honesty?

THIS LIFE

Our children all grow
As we as parents get smaller
Memories go
And the re-told tales get taller
The more age we show
And the more that we claim to know
The more we appreciate this life

Middle age is rough
To be in tune with the teenage
Got to be tough
As you deal with an obscene age
You can’t just give in
But you know that you’ll never win
And it’s hard to appreciate this life

The elderly fall
As the children find new friends
Their memories are all
They hold dearly to the end
This mortal shell will fold
But it’s only then we’re truly old
The we appreciate this life

TINNITUS TONIGHT

THIS IS OUR SHOW
WE NEVER SLOW
WE HAVE A SOUND
AND COLORED LIGHTS FOR YOU
JUST TAKE A GLANCE
TWO DOZEN AMPS
ALL UP TO “TEN”
WE’LL PLAY ALL NIGHT FOR YOU

IT’S ALL IN FUN
BUT WHEN IT’S DONE
YOU’LL HEAD ON HOME WITH
MORE THAN A T-SHIRT
YOU HEARD US SING
YOUR EARDRUMS RING
YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD AND SAY
“WHAT IS THIS AWFUL HURT”

TINNITUS TONIGHT
TINNITUS TONIGHT
TINNITUS TONIGHT
TINNITUS TONIGHT

IT’S ROCK AND ROLL
YOU PAY A TOLL
BUT YOUR STILL YOUNG
IT’S NOT THE GREATEST PAIN
THOSE SONIC SPURTS
OF MEGAHERTZ
ARE ONLY JUST
A MOMENTARY STRAIN
BUY THOSE CDS
WITH HIGH DBS
BUT SOMEHOW STILL
YOU’LL NOTICE SOMETHING MISSING
AS YOU SAY “WHAT?”
HEAD UP YOUR BUTT
YOU’LL CLOSE YOUR EYES
WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO LISTEN

TO BE ATTRACTIVE

The best thing to be in this world
Is a beautiful and blue-eyed blonde
Big-busted kind of girl
For physical appearance is a tool
The few and fair can slip by all the rules
A face and figure fine
And the boys will all stand in line
Around their little fingers the men twirl

To be attractive
Is more than a state of mind
To be attractive
The pretty ones get wined and dined
To be attractive
This is life and it’s most unkind
To be attractive
What do we have to do to get redesigned

The best thing to be in this land
Is a macho modelish, smug and handsome kind of man
Genetics and an overdose of luck
Is all you need in life to make a buck
They get the jobs they want
They choose the restaurant
From birth we’re trained that beauty’s in demand

To be attractive
How I’d love to look like you
To be attractive
To be one of the select few
To be attractive
To do the things I see you do
To be attractive
You look so good, I want to be one too

No one ever told me life is fair
You have to play the cards that you’ve been dealt
But when I see those perfect teeth and hair
I know that Fate’s a fighter
That hits below the belt

To be attractive
I guess I’ll just stay me
To be attractive
It’s better than being unhappy
To be attractive
I guess I’m not that bad
To be attractive
Especially compared to the other ones you’ve had

TOMBOY with Leslie and Richard Karst

People always ask me what did I want to be
When I was a little boy
Hey, I came from a rural town and all of the kids around
Wore dungarees and played with baseball toys

It never occurred to me by being the only girl
That there was anything there to annoy
For it was accepted by all of the guys
That I was as good as any boy

I don’t want to say that men and women are the same
But I refuse to play the sex roles game

(Cause she is a, yes she is, I’m telling you
She really is a Tomboy)
Cause I’m a Tomboy
I don’t want to be as model
Tomboy
I’m not coy and shy
Tomboy
I’m not one to mollycoddle
Tomboy
But I don’t feel like a guy

People always ask me “Why don’t you wear a dress?”
And be a little bit more feminine
I say “Why should you care?
I’m happy with what I wear
I try to be a bit more genuine”

Why do people have to fit into roles?
Why can’t they instead just look into their souls?

(Cause she is a, yes she is, I’m telling you
She really is a Tomboy)
Cause I’m a Tomboy
I’m an individual
Tomboy
So don’t tell me how to be
Tomboy
I don’t have to follow rituals
Tomboy
When will you learn to see?
That I’m a Tomboy
I don’t want to be a model
Tomboy
I’m not shy and coyÁ
Tombo
I’m not one to coddle, I’m a
TO-OM-BOY!

TOO BUSY

You know I love you
I’m thinking of you
But there’s so much
I have to do around here
I’m always busy
I’m in a tizzy
It seems there’s no time
For you, the kids and career

This week’s edition
Of my condition
Reads like a calendar
That has no days to spare
But I see a space where
I just might fit you there
But something happens that
Proves that life is not fair

Too busy, too busy

I’ll take a peek at
The coming week and
Maybe I’ll find the
Time to sit and chat
Oh, you say no way
For that’s your big day
You have to work
And I’ll get used to that

Well, that’s okay, now
We need the pay now
We have big plans
And bigger steps to climb
But I can’t wait, dear
For our big date dear
I hope I’m not too
Old before that time

Too busy, too busy

TOO GOOD LOOKING

Hey, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
She was such a knockout
I had to check my eyesight
I’ve got to tell you, Charlie
You know I’d never lie
That woman can’t be dating you
Just let me tell you why

She’s too good lookin’
For the likes of you
How did you ever meet her?
What did you have to do?
She’s too good lookin’
She just can’t be real
Who did you have to murder?
What did you have to steal?

I just got to say
How lucky can you get
All of your closest friends
Would have lost a bet
I know it’s not your looks
Or your personality
Whatever she sees in you
You must have hid from me

She’s too good lookin’
For the likes of you
How did you ever meet her?
What did you have to do?
She’s too good lookin’
She just can’t be real
Who did you have to murder?
What did you have to steal?

She’s too good lookin’
You’ve got us all impressed
Have you run into money?
Or is this some kind of jest?
She’s too good lookin’
She must be lots of fun
Is there more at home like her
Why can’t I find someone?

TRAINS OF LOVE

I met this woman in the downtown station
We boarded on the wrong side of the tracks
But it wasn’t very long before I fell in love with her
It must have taken thirty-seven clacks

She was good in looks but thin as a rail
We both had on the same color ties
As we approached the tunnel and the horn sounded alarm
I could see the red lights flashing in her eyes

Soon we were a-kissing in the diner
We moved from car to car and became loose
And pretty soon discovered we had now gone all the way
From engine to the end of the caboose

We lost ourselves in forward and e-motion
As we shivered in the cold of the outside
The rumbling of the cars was quite a powerful love potion
I’m glad I bought a ticket for this ride

But it had to end, we’d reached our destination
I asked if she would join me at the pub
She said sorry, she must leave, and now all I have to show
For our romance is her crumpled ticket stub

So now I travel lonely in a car or an airplane
I can’t erase the memory, the anguish or the pain
I have to think of other things to occupy my brain
I no longer can abide the thought of train

TRUCK DRIVER, THE

I’m a grizzled old truck driver
And I drive that lonely road
Travelin’ this great big land
Just droppin’ off each load
I liked to pass the time
With my country music tunes
But one day I heard somethin’
That made my old heart swoon

A station I never heard before
Really showed me the score

It was someone called “Beeth-Oven”
And there was only fiddles
Yet that music I was lovin’
As much as hotcakes of the griddle
I heard that “Beeth-Oven”
Now my tastes just ain’t the same
Now every other kind of music just sounds tame

The radio announcer
Said this was a “sim-phone-ee”
And some dude played the pianer
And those keys called out to me
Now when I’m out there truckin’
I’m blarin’ Ludwig Van
I also play “Back” and “Moe’s Art”
Every mile that I can

There’s a station like this in every town
I go “Classical” and boogie down

Listening to that “Beeth-Oven”
And there are flutes and horns
Yet that music I am lovin’
When I’m passin’ fields of corn
I hear that “Beeth-Oven”
Now I’m done with country songs
And every other kind of music sounds so wrong

Beeth-Oven

TWO SIDES

You know I hate to disagree
But there are things you ought to know
All the tenets you adhere to
Have a fabricated glow
Your beliefs are quite beyond
All normal comprehension
But I truly must admire
Your talent for invention

Oh your eloquence is smooth
And your language far from salty
But your assumptions are misplaced
And your reasoning is faulty
Your facts are but opinion
And conclusions so refutable
That everything you say
Is intrinsically disputable

There are two sides to everything
Lacking premises and proof
There are two sides to everything
Then there’s the truth

Well I hate to burst your bubble
But there’s no room for debate
All your best pontifications
Are too little and too late
The facts are loud and clear
And your motive plain to see
That you just won’t accept it
And behave defensively

Well I have to beg to differ
You won’t let me otherwise
The world is picture perfect
As you see it through your eye
Your conclusions are foregone
Not to mention forced and frozen
I understand now why the road
You’ve taken is not chosen

There are two sides to everyone
Be they old or in their youth
There are two sides to everything
Then there’s the truth

ULTIMATE WEAPON

In the skirmishes of war
Many wounds can be severe
But the weapons that inflict them
Can be small
No one wins the battle
But the ugly head will rear
Once you’ve backed the enemy
To the wall

The ultimate weapon
Is a powerful offence
As offensive as it seems
For one to use it
The ultimate weapon
Has a fallout that’s intense
But the warring factions
Always seem to choose it

On the battleground lay victims
Some must be nursed for years
Though the scars that linger
Can’t be seen
And though many do recover
It’s a struggle through the tears
As conflict was created
To be mean

The ultimate weapon
Has no viable defense
It’s defenseless for it’s youth
By definition
The ultimate weapon
To be used at great expense
For no child should be used
As ammunition

UNFAIR

I called her up on the telephone
I knew her man was out of town
I invited her to the carnival
Sometimes the way to be alone
Is to stand near a clown

But things just didn’t seem to work out there
We found that life was unfair
The day we had our affair at the fair

I bought tickets for the Ferris Wheel
It seemed the perfect place for me and his girl
We tried the hot dogs, beer and the Bumper cars
It was a real good time until we tried the Tilt-a-Whirl

I didn’t mean to throw up in her hair
We found that life was unfair
The day we had our affair at the fair

I told her I would take her on the ride of her life
I only wished that she wasn’t someone else’s wife

SOLO

I told her I would take her on a ride right after dark
But before that we would go and try the old amusement park

Soon we had recovered and we washed ourselves
And decided to stay nearer to the ground
We went to have a shoot at the rifle booth
And standing at the gallery an evil eye we found

Her husband loading guns gave us the stare
We found that life was unfair
The day we had our affair at the fair

UP AND LEFT ME

My girlfriend up and left me
Now I’m sad and lonely
After I had told her
That she was my one and only
I guess I’ll go back to my wife
And hope she’ll understand
My girlfriend up and left me
For another married man

I won’t forget the day we met
The kids were off at school
I liked the way she looked me
Up and down from that barstool
She said let’s go and see a show
I was her kind of guy
I told her I was married
And she whispered, “So am I”

But then she up an left me
And now I’m sad and lonely
After I had told her
That she was my one and only (girlfriend)
I’ll go back to my wife
And bring her back the van
My girlfriend up and left me
For another married man

We had a fast and fun affair
We got in lots of trouble
But one day sure enough she went
And burst my little bubble
She said I’d been replaced
It was time for her to roam
And now my wife is sorry
For she’s got me back at home

Oh, yes my girlfriend left me
And now I’m sad and lonely
After I had told her
That she sort of was my only
Now I’m back with my wife
Because it’s better than my hand
My girlfriend up and left me
For another married man

My girlfriend up and left me
For another married man

VALENTINES DAY

It’s Valentine’s Day
It’s Valentine’s Day
You have to buy flowers
That’s what some people say
But they’re dead within hours
And they cost a week’s pay
On Valentine’s Day

You cannot forget
It’s on the T.V. today
The kids in the school
Can’t go outside to play
They must make Mommy cards
In the traditional way
On Valentine’s Day

And every male shakes in fear, my friend
If they screw it up they’ll never hear the end……….

You gotta buy candy
You must buy a card
If you were on a diet
Say hello to some lard
There’s enough in each box
To make your arteries hard
On Valentine’s Day
On Valentine’s Day
On Valentine’s Day

VIRUS SONG words by Chris Storey

It can’t be true, must be in dreams
This town of mine, not what it seems
No one in sight, no sound is heard
Windows are dark, no cat or bird

I know this street, a happy place
Where people pass, or run and race
To get to stores, to work, to bars
Now have desserted all thier cars

An eeriness is what I feel
Fearfullness if this is real
Contagion lurks, round every bend
I need a mask, a gun, a friend

Too many movies do I see?
The Walking Dead or World War Z
I stay indoors, don’t go outside
If I see someone, I must hide

An eeriness is what I feel
Fearfullness if this is real
Contagion lurks, round every bend
I need a mask, a gun, a friend

I cannot wake, though I may try
It’s not a dream is reason why
This is no random T.V.Show
This is now the world we know

It’s fearfullness we all now feel
A virus spreadsand it is real
Contagion lurks distancing frinds
Defenses fail, our time may end

Do what you can and stop the wave
The situation’s very grave

VOYEUR

I like to watch all the girls through a window shade
Then I can sit and watch just like in second grade
Cause I am satisfied when I can see my fair maid
Sitting in bushes, just sitting and laying low
Looking at ladies instead of the radio
I really think they put on a more interesting show

Cause I’m a voyeur I’m a peeping tom
I’m a nasty young man with a dirty old plan
I’m a voyeur

Oh, she’s brushing her teeth
Now, she’s washing her hair
Oh, she’s taking her clothes off
Now, she is bare

Looking around me arriving alone at night
Watching through windows, just staring and sitting tight
She’s in the shower, I’m watching and seeing the sight
I stepped on a stick, what a trick, it was noisy loud
Now I am caught I thought, now I’ll attract a crowd
I think she can hear it, I fear she’ll start
Searching this shroud

Cause I’m a voyeur I’m a peeping tom
I’m a nasty young man with a dirty old plan
I’m a voyeur

Oh, she’s brushing her teeth again
Now, she’s washing her hair
Oh, she’s taking her clothes off
Now, she is bare

Oh she’s out of the shower
Now she’s dialing the phone
Oh she’s calling the cops
I’m going home

I tripped on the sprinkler that leads to her back door gate
Saw a police car pass by just a bit too late
I tried to run away, oh, what a terrible fate
Now I’m not spying, I’m sitting and feeling blue
Soon I’ll be free though and find something else to do
When I get out I’ll come creeping and peeping at you

Cause I’m a voyeur I’m a peeping tom
I’m a nasty young man with a dirty old plan
I’m a voyeur Hahhahhah!

WAR TO SPEND ALL WARS, THE

We toddled off to war again
To fight another foe
We don’t recall the reason why
But still we had to go
We were ill prepared and underpaid
We did it for the pride
Just like our fathers did before
Though may of them died

In camp we learned to march along
And how to hold a gun
They wanted just a few good men
I looked hard to find one
They told us not to ask or tell
To do so was unkind
Without a word from Sarge we learned
To cover our behinds

CHORUS
And it’s hey, here we go again
With the brave and other kinds of men
God on our side for sure
Like every other war

We stepped out on the battlefield
The danger sure was dire
We were less scared of the enemy
Much more of “friendly fire”
Well, the captain wasn’t brave or smart
He liked to drink his wine
He wandered out to take a leak
And stepped right on a mine

CHORUS
And it’s hey, here we go again
With the brave and other kinds of men
God on our side for sure
Like every other war

We set out on our mission quest
To fight on foreign land
I think there were some missing links
In that chain of command
I thought the big idea was
Defending our own soil
We’ve gone now from the blunderbuss
To using heated oil

CHORUS
And it’s hey, here we go again
With the brave and other kinds of men
God on our side for sure
Like every other war

The Generals announced that peace
Was very close at hand
We did our part, we sacrificed
The lives of several grand
Recovery from every war
Economy makes strong
Now who is that over the hill?
This calm won’t last too long

CHORUS
And it’s hey, here we go again
With the brave and other kinds of men
God on our side for sure
Like every other war

WAY I AM T20

There’s some thoughts I’d like to try to communicate
It seems we have some differences to air
Sometimes when I’m being me you get so irate
Then act like it’s too much for you to bear

You tell me that I’m never serious
That I make life a comedy
And it’s such a shame you can’t accept me
Just the way I am cause
That the way I’ll always be

Many times I’ve felt I’m not the right man for you
It seems like only yesterday we met
Strange we’re still together after all we’ve been through
There are certain things you don’t forget

You tell me that I act so immature
That I cause you anxiety
My excuse is lame and I admit
I’m not a perfect man but
That’s the way I’ll always be

Never in my life have I been charming and cool
I always wished that I could be like you
So when next I’m being bad and playing the fool
Please take my hand and tell me what to do

You tell me that I don’t appreciate
The customs of society
But until you came I thought I was my only avid fan
And that’s the way I’ll always be

Yes, that’s the way I’ll always be
Yes, that’s the way I’ll always be

WAY TOO MANY TIMES

I like my country music
I listen in between the rounds
That pedal steel makes me feel
Like somethin’s in there making sounds
It don’t matter if the songs are old
Cause they age just like good wines
But one thing that I notice
Is that they repeat the hook,
Repeat the hook, repeat the hook
Way too many times
Yes, way too many times

I love those country singers
They sooth and stay on pitch
They seem to be just like me
‘Cept on the radio and rich
The songs are often sad
And sometimes they use poor rhymes
But the only thing that bugs me
Is that they repeat the hook,
Repeat the hook, repeat the hook
Way too many times
Yes, way too many times

Oh, they repeat the hook
Over and over
Like a horse that isn’t dead
I’ll go read a book
If I want to have a thought
Beaten into my undereducated head

I still love country tunes
Cause there’s humor and emotion there
All the harmony just stays with me
It makes me almost want to care
I sing along in my car
And I miss the highway signs
I get so distracted
When they repeat the hook,
Repeat the hook, repeat the hook
Way too many times

Yes, they repeat the hook
Too many, way too many, way too darn many
Repititious times
Repititious times
Repititious times

WELCOME TO AMERICA

We got food stamps and free health care
And lots of charities
Interpreters and welfare
Just come on in, say please
And if you’re hungry elsewhere
We’ll send it overseas

Welcome to America
Welcome to America
Welcome to America
But now go home

We got perverts and abusers
That were born here by the score
Offenders and accusers
And muggers by your door
A million types of losers
We don’t need any more
Welcome to America
Welcome to America
Welcome to America
But now go home

This land is my land This land is your land
We’re so glad we could extend a hand
To every nation’s scum
Give us your poor and tired And the folks that can’t be hired
We want to be admired
But we’re kind of dumb

We got, we got, we got
Tiny rooms to lease you
Just sign the bottom line
We got products here to please you
You can buy them all on time
We got lots of ways to fleece you
Come on in the weather’s fine

Do us both a favor
Do us both a favor
Do us both a favor
And just stay home

Welcome to America…

WELCOME TO THE NEWS

On the news tonight / We’ve got a big sensation
It’s a gory sight / But you’ll keep it on our station
An exclusive scoop / We want your full attention
First some Campbells’ soup / To sooth your apprehension

Welcome to the six o’clock news
We’re not only here to amuse
There are fourteen advertisements coming
So the next five minutes will be numbing

Now the commercial’s on / But the good stuff’s soon to follow
It’s an age-old con / That we expect you all to swallow
Here’s a famous guy / You know him from the big screen
Telling you to buy / Some Breath Assure or Valvoline

Welcome to the ten o’clock news
Truth and facts are things that we lose
It’s a money-making operation
In the station identification

Every single penny
Comes from ad we lay on you
So for us to serve the public
We’ve all got to serve the few

Now we’re back on the air / And we’ll get to what we told you
It was a blatant dare / But since you’re here I guess we sold you
So now here’s the news / Only first the sports and weather
I guess you like abuse / But we’re in this thing together

Welcome to the twelve o’clock news
It’s a common media ruse
Just a lousy media game
Making me feel like I’m insane…Ä

WERE COOKIN NOW

Welcome to our restaurant
We’re the biggest, we’re the best
The diner down the boulevard
Just can’t compete with our complete success

Our menu has variety
You always get what you want
Every cook is professional
At our company wide restaurant

From the waiters and the maître d’
The chef and busboys too
We’re proud to say we’re cookin’ now
It’s amazing what we do

We cater to the public need
Our customers are number one
So many people that we feed
Our fine cuisine will never be outdone

Our service here cannot be beat
And to this goal we commit
We satisfy our customers
We do it for their benefit

From the managers and employees
The gang that all works here
We’re proud to say we’re cookin’ now
We’ll be around next year

We’ll show you that we’re cookin’ now
New recipes each year

WHAT A PLUMBER NEEDS TO KNOW

I work hard for a living
I got big bills to pay
I got the hungry kiddies
And the wife needs bucks to play

I’m not a brilliant man
But there are three facts I can say
Gas goes up, shit goes down
And the wages come on Friday

My brother knows a lot of stuff
He’s good at “Jeopardy”
He thinks that I don’t know enough
But he don’t work hard like me

I’m just a lowly plumber
But three facts earn me my pay
Gas goes up, shit goes down
And the wages come on Friday

My kids look down on me
They mock my puny brain
They speak in computer Greek
While I unclog a drain

I know I’m not a genius
But I think I know the way
Gas goes up, shit goes down
And the wages come on Friday

WHAT MANNER OF MAN

What manner of man is this
You just cannot say
He doesn’t do things
In their appointed way
He may not be just
What you’re looking for
Unless it’s a routine existence
You abhor

He poses, he postures
Perhaps he pretends
It’s opinions, not knowledge
That he will defend
He’ll counter your bargain
And fight to the end
No matter the offer
Or what you intend

You know that you know him
You’ve met him before
He’s just like the man
You just can’t ignore
I see that you see him
He’s right by your side
He’s only your best friend
And you love him with pride

You won’t live life normal
You won’t get too bored
You’ll have to reform all
The knowledge you’ve stored
You’ll have to endure all
The roles he will play
You won’t find a cure-all
For the things he might say

WHATEVER

Do you want to go out, Dear?
Sure, whatever
Would you like another beer?
Sure, whatever
Would you like to make love?
Sure, whatever, just don’t bug me with
A lot of talk or noise

Would you like to sing?
Would I ever!
Would you like to play?
Would I ever!
Are you slightly gay?
Hardly ever, or I wouldn’t have
To take care of my boys

Life just happens to us
Never what it seems
Take an attitude that should
Mirror broken dreams

So dear would you like to dine?
Sure, whatever
Oh, and can I make you mine?
Sure, whatever
Can I have your love?
Sure whatever, just be quick because
I’m always rather tired

The red lights are flashing
Yeah, whatever
Now the car is crashing
Yeah, whatever
Now the reaper’s coming
Yeah whatever, just don’t bug me with
The screaming or the fire

WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid I was told about Santa Claus
How he put all the presents by a tree
He lived up north and he did fantastic things
And spread good cheer with generosity

Then I grew older and discovered the truth
I realized back then — I’d been had
For it turned out old Santa was a happy tall tale
Supported by a brainwashed mom and dad

And we all remember about the Easter Bunny
The candy, eggs and games we’d play
With big long ears and a white fluffy tail
A legend for another holiday

Then I grew older and discovered the truth
I realized back then — I’d been had
For it turned out The Bunny was another happy tale
Supported by a brainwashed mom and dad

Parents never feel that it’s a lie they’re telling
“Everybody does it” says “The Voice”
Children have to buy what the world is selling
They never get to make an honest choice

When I was a kid I really loved the Tooth Fairy
I’d wake and find some money in my bed
And though I never saw her, I’d thank her sincerely
And try to pull more teeth from my head

Then I grew older and discovered the truth
I realized back then — I’d been had
For it turned out The Fairy was another sappy tale
Supported by a brainwashed mom and dad

When I was a kid I was told about Jesus Christ

WHIRLWIND

I was in a whirlwind
I had gone astray
I was in a whirlwind
I had lost my way

No one knew my sorrow
No one knew my pain
Looking to tomorrow
Knowledge I would gain

I was by my river
Ducks were splashing down
Sitting in my garden
Leaves were turning brown

I was out there singing
From my balcony
In my hammock swing
Finding harmony

Someone heard the chorus
And the melody
Now there’s none before us
Now at last I’m free

Someone in my corner
Now she knows me well
Nature did inform her
To break through this shell

I was in a whirlwind
I had gone astray
I was in a whirlwind
I had lost my way

WHIZ

Whiz!
I gotta take a giant whiz
I never felt as full as this
Man, oh how I hafta piss
Gotta stop and take a whiz

Pee!!!
I gotta find a place to pee
Oh I am feeling such distress
Soon there’s gonna be a mess
Better stop so I can pee

Oh yes relief- is what I seek
At least three (ten) times a day
Now I’m feeling dizzy/weak
Just get the hell out of my way

Leak!!!
Yes now I’m gonna spring a leak
Oh, let me answer nature’s call
Or soon you’ll have Niagra Falls
Cause I have to take a leak

Oh yes relief- is what I seek
At least three (twelve) times a day
Now I’m feeling dizzy/weak
Just get the hell out of my way

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

WORLD OF TEMPTATIONS

Everywhere I turn there’s a hand offering a vice
They push it on the T.V. but they don’t tell you the price
The radio, the billboards
The magazines and “friends”
It’s all around us in the air
We all support the trends

So buy another Playboy
Smoke a reefer, drink a beer
Eat a bunch of fast food fries
Don’t worry, have no fear
Lust after your neighbor
And have intimate relations
It’s a nasty world of temptations

Everyday I learn about another type of sin
Like harboring a “fugitive” or hiring his kin
The churches have big open doors
And so do all our jails
If they ban it from the stores
You can get it in the mail

So drink a lot of coffee
If you got to have that buzz
Lie about your taxes
That’s what everybody does
Smuggle in some fruit
And to hell with regulations
It’s a nasty world of temptations

Every way I yearn seems like grasping for straws
Every resolution yields further broken laws
When politicians lie like logs
And cops are on the take
And educators feel like dogs
What lessons will they make?

So sign up for some modern times
Spray some dirty words on walls
The reason for these chintzy crimes
Seems to boil down to gall
Our self-justifications
And our rationalizations
In a nasty world of temptations
In this nasty world of temptations

WRONG THING RIGHT

I was only kidding when I said I had a goal
I’ve always been a joker with an ace in the hole
I need to be fulfilled
Need my “amour” in shining white
And now that I have you
I know I’ve done the wrong thing right

I’ve made some big mistakes
I’ve thrown some big fish back
But now I’m casting better lines
And there’s a flounder in my sack
I’ve gone from feeling low
To getting closer to my height
Now I’m here with you
I know I’ve done the wrong thing right

I’ve left them in the lurch
I’ve left them out to lunch
I’ve thrown reason to the wind
And sailed on just a hunch
I’ve learned from my old flames
I think I’ve met my match
I’ve listed all the names
And stuffed them down the hatch

I’m gazing at the future
And it’s looking pretty bright
Pressing on without a clue
And yet I feel I’ve done a wrong thing right

WRONG TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME SOMETIMES, THE

You’re coming home late when we had a date
You’re tired and sore and can’t take any more
You say “Honey, not now”
But I’m seeing the signs
For the wrong time is the right time sometimes

We’ve traveled so far by plane or by car
Locations we’ve been, some are new, some again
You say “Honey, not here”
But I read between lines
And the wrong place is the right place sometimes

There is never a mistake when two people agree
Sometimes when things seem the worst
Opportunity comes inconsistently
And the ideas that you had gets reversed

Learn to compensate, and to appreciate
The weird ways of love and the challenge thereof
You say “Honey, you’re strange
Guess it takes all kinds”
And the wrong rhyme is the right rhyme sometimes

Like a square peg in a round hole
A little jazz in your rock and roll
Like the words of a song
Some of them don’t belong
But the wrong line is the right line sometimes

And the wrong time is the right time sometimes

XEROX COPY

I felt so sad that day that John and I broke up
I thought I’d never find a man like him
I stayed away from dating for a little while
But then one night I went out on a whim

I headed for the place that was our favorite dive
I wasn’t hoping for too much that night
I heard a voice behind me asking if I was alone
I turned and saw a quite familiar sight

He was a Xerox copy of my former love
He had the same approach, the same old lines
He was a Xerox copy, like a matching glove
I felt I was reliving the old times

I was so glad the night he asked me out again
I didn’t see my condo for a week
I felt as if we’d known each other for a dozen years
It just goes to show that no one is unique

He was a Xerox copy of my former guy
The same kind of silly boyish grin
He was a Xerox copy and I don’t know why
The same mistakes we’re bound to make again

Well yesterday by accident I saw my old friend John
I asked him how it felt now to be free
He told me that he wasn’t as this girl walked up to him
And I swear she looked exactally like me

She was a Xerox copy of his former love
She could have been my sister or a twin
It was this Xerox copy I was thinking of
And the trouble she was getting herself in

Just like a Xerox copy of my former love
Just like a Xerox copy of his former love
Just like a Xerox copy of our former love

YOU GET ME

What I love about you is that you get me
You understand my jokes and who I am
And with you around less things upset me
And I know I’m a much better man

What I love is the subtle innuendo
It’s the nuance that we love to share
Your mind goes to the places men go
Eye to eye in humor is so rare

It sure seems you get me
I seem to get you too
What I need to do you let me
You approve of what I do

What I love about you is that you know me
You picked up on that in record time
When I need a simple clue you show me
And when you need to talk I’ll be your mime

It’s a fact you get me
You know I get you too
What I need to do you let me
You approve of what I do

As the booby prize in this life
You get me…

YOUR LOVE

Your love can turn convicts into kings
Objects into things of beauty
Your love can turn jesters into nights
Darkness into light above

But to me
You’re my future and my past
Can’t you see
We’re forever first and last
And I’ll love you more and more
With time

Your love gives me joy I never had
Never felt so glad inside
Your love gives me reason for my laugh
No reason that I have to hide

But to me
You’re my future and my past
Can’t you see
We’re forever first and last
And I’ll love you more and more
With time

Our love is a test we always pass
In this post-graduate class we live in
Our love is a diamond in the rough
Doesn’t seem to be enough to give in

Doesn’t seem to be enough to give…

YOURE MY FRIEND

We’ve always been two guys
That have always loved our fun
But there’s a few things that I should tell you
I’ve fought the war of growing up
And I think I’ve won
But I’d really like to see you get well, too
You still have an appetite for drugs and drinking
A substitute for something else
Your friends are getting fewer from your clouded thinking
There’s no happiness in man made hells

I see you drooling over those girls walking by
You say that there’s no law against it
I’d like to point out to you
That they’re both in junior high
They don’t understand your lust, but they can sense it
Stop talking about those teenage cuddles again
I don’t want to hear it anymore
The only thing you’ll get from them is trouble again
Stop pretending you don’t know the score

Why do you say it? When you know it’s a lie
You’re my friend But I don’t know why

You want someone to help you But there’s an outer limit
You want someone to help you But no one’s patience is infinite

We’re walking through the shopping mall
You’re eyeing the merchandise
I know that you’re thinking of stealing
I’ve told you more than once or twice
It’s easier to pay the price
I don’t like the traits you’re revealing
And by the way, what have you done
For work besides dealing?
Unemployment is becoming a crisis
This lending you money has become so unappealing
Just to see it go to your many vices

What makes you such a dishonest guy
You’re my friend, but I don’t know why
Who do you talk to when you need to cry
You’re my friend, but it’s now goodbye